I cannot believe the last time I wrote was 2016.
What the heck have I been doing.

My writings always reflected where I was at, how I was feeling, and what I was up to.
Have I been doing nothing for the last 2 years.

Well I guess the biggest thing and probably what has brought me here, is the loss of my Lion,
My Hero, My Dad.

Its been 5 months now, and I still think about ringing him, at 2pm on a Sunday afternoon.

I think about him everyday, and miss him everyday.

He was a wonderful man, grumpy git, no airs or graces, on occasions poor manners, but the marrow in my bones, he is what made me strong, made me a survivor, He is the best man I will ever know, and if my Son achieves half of what my Dad did, I will be happy with the man he is.

My dad was a character, he was a bear, a lion and a pussy cat, all rolled into one.
He and I well we never really got over losing Mam, but we plodded along, with the rest of our family, and each day became another, until 7 years had passed, and my Dad, who had fought the fight, battled greater than any superhero, got tired, and living became hard too hard, and he was done. 

I started this post in 2018, in september i never posted it. I dont know why, maybe I just didnt want to post about my dad, and that he was gone from us. maybe I still dont.

My dad passed away on 26th April 2018, he was one month short of 82 years of age. He fought some fight to stay in this world that long, but he was done, he told me, "When living becomes harder than dying, its time to die, Maria". He passed very peacefully in the Mater hospital, surrounded by his family that loved him, nurses and doctors that mourned his passing as he was such a big part of their day, friends that miss him, especially Paddy his school friend, and many friends and people that just knew him, but wanted to say goodbye to this wonderful wild/funny/giving and loving man. 

We miss him everyday, but he is at rest now, his work and fight all done, and I have no doubt, he is up there with my Mam and all the friends and family that went before him and after him, making up for the dancing he missed doing in his last few earthly years. The singing he never stopped, and was known to randomly break into song, especially Irish ballads, or the odd rude song,  but got away with it because he was wild wonderful and in a wheelchair. Onwards and Upwards he used to say, and that is what we try to do.

 "Carry on regardless", get up and into the world every day that God lets you.

To the best man I have ever known, I miss you Dad, Thank you for being you, for showing us how to live, how to party, how to forgive, (not always forget), how to fight for your right, and may I get to pass as you did, gently holding the hand of a loved one, with my family around me, and maybe even older than 82 years. It was my privilege to be your daughter, an even bigger privilege to be your buddy, this one is a great character is how you introduced me, I dont know what I would do without her. For your love, your stability, your character, your help and your strength. I will love you forever, and cherish my memories. Sleep peacefully My Hero, My Lion, My Da.  

Till we meet again. hugs to Mam xx 

Wow, its been awhile,
How quickly the time flies, into another year.

So much happens but it is really more of the same,
Now dont get me wrong that is not a bad thing,
and in my world, sometimes the day to day stuff, well
thats what keeps me going, keeps me grounded.

I am as usual, still in battle with the banks,
trying to keep my home, him, my ex, still refuses to engage to pay up,
but Im done worrying about that,
I think in the end the banks will win, and it will go,
but until then, il battle on to the last chance.
cause im a stubborn one lol.

Nah its not that, its about being where I want and need to be,
its about stability, its about right and wrong.
and when its time, it will be about acceptance of what must be,
and then I will start again.

I will be okay, I will make sure my kids (well young adults) are ok.
in my words
"it will be grand"

M

Wow May since I posted,
how quickly time flies,
loads happened,
mostly good things.

My baby girl finished her leaving cert.
she did great, she is now started college,
I think she will love it, but like my older girl,
all I want is for her to be happy if she is not
into college, get into the world,
work, play, live,
be happy.
be good,
be nice,
makes me happy too.....

My older girl is working, she is a great little worker,
well in the outside world,
at home, nah.. not interested..
her room is a no go zone,
If there was such a thing as
a monster under the bed,
he would have died of suffocation by now.
It causes disagreements in our house,
I hate that, but Im her mam, I love her to bits
but Im doing my job telling her clean it up,
its her personal space, but its a fecking mess,
Its gross.Tidy it
makes me happy too.....

My son is off to America for a week or so,
he is going with his job, he is doing very well,
He too is a good chap, they are great kids,
Im so lucky they turned out so well.
He seems to be happy,
that
makes me happy too....

They make me worthwhile...

My man is still the same man,
I did pretty good with him, I hope...
Its hard to know, because I was
so unaware of the ex and the trust is hard,
but I do trust him, this is just not blind trust,
and I know that I could get hurt,
so I keep a bit of me back, not enough to damage
our relationship, but enough to save me,
if I need saving again.
Hopefully not, but Im not going to sit at home,
and wait to be hurt,
I am so glad I am who I am,
I am so glad I am what I am,
Life is for living,
I hope to do plenty of living for a long time.
makes me happy too.

Oh my God, its good to be alive........

M

Well, all is good in the hood. haha
My dad came home from hospital on monday.
Eighteen months in hospital wow.

For us the time has passed very quickly,
even though it has been a long saga with many
ups and downs.
For dad it has been a long long time, and
so many changes and sickness for him to deal with.
However he is going good, and doing his very
best to be as independent as a wheelchair dependant
person can be.

He is strong in his core, pity his outer shell keeps
letting him down.

Anyway Im delighted he is home,
and looking forward to him getting
stronger, and better, every day.

You the man dad...love you xxx

M

SOMETIMES I just want to stand up and scream
at the top of my voice. Not in joy, not in anger,
I guess the word is frustration.
Frustration at the crap that comes into my life.
I dont.

Instead I find myself sitting in front of this screen,
typing, and as I type,
silently tears slip out my eyes
and down my cheeks.
Its my insides,
my body and soul,
coming together and acknowledging
the unfairness of the life situtation I find myself in,
because of the uncaring, selfish and mean actions
of someone else, someone who should know better,
someone who should do better by me.

I look up see three smiling faces looking down at me,
I know I have done good in my life, in my deeds,
I know I cannot change what someone else does
or does not do.
I sigh, not scream,
 ce cera cera.

I ring my son, sing happy birthday to him, smiling
knowing he is probably cringing.
I have lived twice his 25 years,
he is without doubt a good grown man.

May he always stay that way.
I tell him so, I tell him I love him,
he says thanks mam, I love you too.
The words cheer my heart.

Life is a struggle, but I am upright and above the ground,
I am happy to be here.

M

This week I passed another milestone.
THE BIG 50....
How do I feel about that?
well Im kinda bordering on
OH MY GOD
and its grand...
Mostly OH MY GOD wins

Now  getting old, well it sure
beats the alternative.....dying young.
Of course I definitely dont want that,
but when I was a kid, 30 was old,
when I was 30,
50 seemed so very far away.

So how come,
 it only took a blink of an eye,
and here I am!

I have alot of blessings in my life,
all of them I am grateful for,
and am mostly happy with my lot now.
Just 50... yuck....

I had two good nights celebration,
one with my regular go out at nighters,
and one with my kids and the other half...
It was very nice, actually the regular go out
at nighters was like a bachelorette party we
had mad craic.

The night with those who are most important to me,
was lovely quiet (unusual for me) but very enjoyable.
and we did that on the night of my birthday, so it
was extra nice.
Sunday I had lunch out with dad and the girls, that was lovely
and so nice to be out and about with dad for the day,
The hospital lets him go out most weekends so we take it in turns
It must be the highlight of his week, as he is going stir crazy. in.

This week Ive been a bit out of sorts, tired probably,
my youngest says its because Im officially now old!!
cheeky mare....

My mates say welcome to the 50 club, as I am the baby amongst them.
anyway I reckon I have another 30years in me at least.

Blink of an eye,
Id better get lots of living packed in there!

Chat soon.
M

Its been awhile since I wrote,
things have been as usual in my life,
varying from the extreme to the ridiculous.

My dearest darling dad, is still in hospital,
not in the one he orginally was in, they were
a poor excuse for a hospital, they in my opinion
neglected my dad, and sent him home when he was too ill,
to be home, so my sister drove him to another hospital the
day after he was sent home from the beaumont.
He was immediately admitted and
after many trys to get his foot to heal,
he had his leg amptutated below the knee.

He fought long and hard to keep it,
as did the hospital in fairness, but diabetic patients,
are at severe risk when there is damage to the feet,
and his had been so badly damaged
it was a lost cause.

Now its not all negative
since the amputation my dad has got stronger,
yes he has his sad and bad moments,
but he is no longer being poisioned by his own body,
and his natural survival instinct has set in
and he is doing his very best to get well.

He is my hero,
an awesome, inspiring stubborn man,
god I love him...

My life is going along good.
Im still seeing my lovely guy,
rose tinted glasses and all :-)

My son wonderful brat is working away,
visiting occassionally,
he is a great chap,
keeps me informed of things in his life,
and stays in touch he visits his grandad,
nags me when Im scatty  I am so proud to have him
my lovely son, my pride, my joy.

My eldest girl got a job for the summer,
she is getting stuck into it.
She is a good quiet girl,
she doesnt say much but she thinks plenty,
although she is shy
she has a deep fire within her,
that sparks and flares like the bright sun, when she lets loose on the world,
she is another reason for me to smile,
 my lovely girl, my pride, my joy.

My youngest is the fieriest and fiercest of the three,
yet has the softest nature.
she is creative where the others are practical
yet she is a get up and goer, an organisier, a talker,
an absolute headwrecker when she wants to be .....
as they all are.... get it from me....
she is another happiness bringer for me.
my lovely baby, my pride, my joy.

I write these things for when they ever do read it,
may they know that without doubt,
they are the best  that ever happened to me,
and despite all the crazy ups and downs in my life
they are my wins,
my gold medals,
my shining stars,
my greatest triumph.
 xxx

I know how lucky I am to have wonderful people in my life,
Those who are no longer with me I miss shocking
my mam especially, even after two and a half years,
I find it hard to get used to her gone, visiting her grave is no comfort really
but yet its nice to go there sometimes...

My sister Noreen my earth angel who used to be my champion,
well I miss her so much,
but she cannot accept the changes in me,
whether it is the guy im with or the time I spend with him instead of where she wants me to be,
so sadly I am without her and sadly I think she is without me.

When I look deep inside and question
what I do and how I do it,
 I think that I am doing the best I can
with my kids my dad and my life.

Whilst it may not be good enough for her, its not her life its mine.
I get to make those choices and live with them as best I can,
she cannot change me,
I cannot change her,
so we are without,
sad but it is...
 the way it is...

We all mull along with each other anyway,
visiting dad, living our lives, working paying our bills,
trying to keep the best side out
and sometimes tipping the light fantastic......
Let the good times roll huh.
So in conclusion,
Im doing okay.
chat soon...

M