Where do I get posts like the last one,
when I spend ages avoiding the poor me,
suffer the martyr syndrome.

Thats an easy one to answer,
I went to see a friend, she opened a bottle,
we talked, I opened the box,
my poor me, and my misery box.

Dammit, I either give up the misery,
or give up the few bevvies,
the bevvies is the usual one, I stay away
from but sometimes, I just like to unwind,
so I guess, its up to me now,
to try and give up the misery,

Ah sometimes, a bit of an aul wallow,
it does release some of the misery,
one day, I hope that box will be empty,
one day.

M

So, I haven't posted in awhile,
why? is it because I have nothing to say,
Nope, of course not, I always have something to say, haha

It is because things have been so goddam awful
I havent wanted to share or burden the misery with anyone,
but the lighthearted jokes just dont cut it anymore.

My mam is seriously ill, thats all I want to say,
life sometimes make you wonder, you know,
the worst thing you can think is jeez, things are so
hard, it couldnt get any harder, because when you think that
its jinxed and
things just get harder.

The priorities in life with me have always been family,
always.
I think that there is nothing wrong with that, although I
recognise that sometimes the family that was prioritized was
sometimes my extended family, like mam and dad, and sisters,
and I still dont see like he did, that it was wrong,
but it seems to me that what you hold dearest to you,
is easiest hurt, broken or destroyed.

The worst thing I have seen in the time since I found out about
him and whore, and the whole sorry saga,
is the loss the destruction,
the falling apart of my family,
dont get me wrong as four we are together,
my kids are my life, they know I am there for them,
I know they love and  respect me,
but the dent in our life is palpable,
its obvious
it is irreplaceable.

So we looked to our extended family, my sister, my dad, my mam
(although her illness made us her support rather than ours)
and now she is ill, and again I am afraid,
I want her to be okay, to heal,
to be well again.

I feel selfish too, like how much more can we take,
why does the shit have to hit
again, give us a break, give me a break,
let me rebuild, I have had enough.

How selfish is that?
how selfish am I.?

M

So I did two kerryman jokes that came
from way back in the recess of my mind,
sometimes when I open those recesses,
the divil in them wont go away,
so the worst jokes from my childhood are obviously
the only ones I remember and they want out too.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Cause it saw the zebra crossing!

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
cause it didnt see the truck coming!

Why the did other hedgehog cross the road?
cause it wanted to see its flat mate!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
cause it was the chickens day off!

Hopefully now that I have got them
down in print they stay outta my head!!!

M

Where I work there are two separate sections,
one is the compound were the maintenance crew work out of,
this is quite a bit away from the main area.

So I only get to really communicate with them via phone,
they check in each morning.

On my shift when the boss checks in,
he and I have a routine conversation,
which I think I actually started.

He rings I answer, Hey Ben, how are you today?
he goes, good Maria, and how are you?
Well Ben, I'm still upright, so that has to be a good start!!
He laughs congratulates me for being upright,
says thank God for that and I'll talk to you tomorrow,
I say, bye Ben and laugh back.

Every day, I thank God that I'm upright,
and on the right side of the grass!
Its such a good place to be.

 M

How do you get a kerry man
onto the roof of a pub?,
Tell him the drinks are
on the house!!

M

I would like to post a funny story,
a cheer me upper, to take the dulldrums
after the last few post, but
nothing funny happened.

However, I am as I say upright,
and above the ground, so I am grand,
and life moves on, and so am I.

I could do a typical Irish joke,

'how do you confuse a kerryman,
put three shovels in a hole and
tell him to take his pick!!'

(apologies to any kerry reader,
but Im a dub and its what I was reared on)

M

Although, I'm as I say grand,
I have been affected by the events of last week
in the court.

I find myself down in the dumps,
not depressed because I rarely do depressed,
there is not enough of me to give to depression anyway,
and that is definitely in a glass half full category.

He is of course the reason behind this,
his refusal to come or communicate on the day
of court was bad enough, but much much worse than
that was his failure to communicate with his kids,
its like he plays a pathetic game with them, he waits for
one of them to contact him, then says he hasnt heard from the others
doesnt he realise, its up to him, to heal their pain,
They are kids, he is suppose to be the adult,
he is the one who is not here, he should be fighting for their
love, their attention, their forgiveness,
not them.

I suppose that may be because he is also down in the dumps,
life isnt the fabulous life he must have imagined it would be
without us, or maybe he is happy, it doesnt seem so,
or maybe he is happier without me, and not without the rest,
the kids, our home, his job, I dont really know,
what I do know is I am definitely not happy, and until all
this I was, and I do hold him and whore completely responsible,
but have accepted that it is what is is, I am where I am,
and I have got to make the most or best of it.

The thing is sometimes stuff affects me, like sad stories,
happy stories, but mostly I am affected by music.

There are a few artists who have perfected the art of touching
my heart, Adele is one she is great, the other is Christina Perri,
she with one song in particular, brings emotions out in me,
its called Jar of Hearts.

Some of the song does not apply to me,
but most of it so does,
I guess all of it would except in my life
he is not trying to get back in, but if he was,
I would be follow her train of thought, because
the trust would be gone, and I trusted him with me,
with us, with our love, life, our family, and he gave it away,
he gave it away, without remorse, without second thought,
without bother.

One of the verses from this song is,

'who do you think you are,
running 'round leaving scars,
collecting your jar of hearts
and tearing love apart
Your going to catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul, (then the bit that never refers to me)
So dont come back for me,
who do you think you are'.

When I hear this, especially the
your going to catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul, bit

I feel like shouting, it will be pneumonia, because the ice,
in his case, is in his eyes, his head and especially his heart.

Another part is 'I've learned to live half alive,'
well thats not true, I would change that from half alive,
to half a life,
because thats what it feels like to me, half my life as I knew
it, is missing, its gone, it shows in many ways, the most obvious is
no partner, but he was more than that to me, he was my other
half, why did he not know that, how could he not see that.

He was part of our family every day, every moment, and while
I may not have been hanging out of him, constantly telling him
I loved him, holding his hand, I guess that was my failing,
I understand that, but what did those things mean anyway,
he did those things with me, always, and when the truth
came out, he told me, that he thought I would never find out,
but I was the problem, really, as I didnt show him enough love,
didnt go out enough with him, put others first.

It didnt feel like that to me, and I tell you what,
to hear from a man, who has cheated on you, for years,
that you didnt show him enough love, is sickening,
and not acceptable, because love is being there,
love is sticking around when the hard times hit,
love is truth, love is loyalty, love is non transferable,
and with me it was real.

So when he went with whore, he wasnt showing me enough love,
he wasnt going out with me enough, and he certainly put others first,
and me and my beautiful children, family, came paddy last.

Not good enough.

Who do you think you are.

Today was always going to be a bad day for me,
He however decided
that bad just wasnt bad enough.

Our judicial separation date was today,
I went there, yeah our marriage is over,
I know that, but it was I knew going to be
a tough one, tough because I cared,
tough because he didnt.

So anyway, I thought I was prepared,
you know, psyched up,
ready for whatever he brought on.
I thought nothing he said
or did could shock me,
I guess I was right,
except what shocked me was
he did nothing,
he brought nothing on.
He never showed.

Jesus, 24 years of marriage,
and he didnt even have the manners or
consideration for me to attend.
Or even to let me know,
either personally or through
the solicitor, he wasnt even bothered attending.

The fact that the case was to be heard early morning,
meant his no show gave leeway for him to be contacted,
or attempt to contact him,
we were sent away from the
judge to try and get hold of him,
to make sure he was a no show,
to give him his chance,
to be fair to him.

Fair to him, what about fair to me???
yes it is a pity the poor sap me moment,
but I had to sit there, all day,
and wait to give him his chance,
for him to ignore all calls and texts,
to demoralise me, to humiliate me,
to show me once again,
how little I or our marriage meant
to him, and then go before everyone in that room,
and know, see and feel in my heart in my soul and in my eyes,
the insult and pain this man once again brought to me.

I dont even know anymore did he ever love me,
or how I feel now, hate, hurt, distress,
but its not like in the beginning when
I felt the emptiness, that big gaping hole
in my chest.

Today, well today, my heart hurt
so much, and I felt so, so insignificant,
so I dont even know how to express the emotion,
how do you wrap into words the
abandonment, hostility, unfeeling, the disregard,
that this man showed to me today,
so Im using just that one word,
the one that
I guess really does wrap it all up
Pain.

At the end of this long day, I came away with
my separation, and as its family law, I cannot
discuss the details anyway, and Im so wrecked
by the day, I dont want to, anyway,
he reads this.

However today, other people
cared for me, three of them were
legal eagles, thank god they were there,
and of course my earth angel.

Noreen, I say
thank god,
she says,
Maria,
god doesnt care,
but I tell you this,
he must, little sister

for he sent me you.

As for you gerry,

you are a dog,
and she deserves you completely,

So in my glass half full, consideration,
Im lucky,

I'm rid of you!