At 6.45 am this morning,
My beautiful and brave mam,
breathed gently and then breathed no more.

We said our goodbyes to her, and she left us,
brokenhearted, but  in the knowledge she
is at peace, and with her family gone before,
in gods arms.

Bye bye Mam, love you always,

Maria.

My mam has surpassed all the deadlines we have been given,
we were told no way would she see christmas,
and here it is christmas eve and she still battles,

It is so hard, and you know what it feels like
God is so cruel,
but then that sounds awful, like I dont want my mam
here, which I do, but not like this,

I think Im giving up on life, not living now,
just life, and hope and joy,
I dont know why they abandoned me,
I must be like, what him, and some of my overstressed family
think, a megga bitch,
I just dont feel like one, but they cant all be wrong,
can they?

Yes it is a definite poor me moment.
Sorry.

M

The getting mam home, didnt happen,
She is still with us defying the odds,
as she did with every illness she every had,
so I suppose it shouldnt really be surprising,
she stays with us and every day is another day.

My mam has a favourite song, and I think
I now know why, her song is one day at a time,
and that is how her and us are living it now,
one day at a time.

She is without doubt, a mighty warrior,
she has come back into her old self,
mostly and only occasionally wanders
away from us. That I tell you is a true
blessing, and I am so glad for it.

Each day she grows weaker in herself,
and each night we are afraid, and each
morning she is there its painfully wonderful.

My dad is struggling, his grief is in the here and now,
and he wants her to be here with him, but it is not
to be so, she is too weak to travel, we have to accept that,
to bring her home, would cause her too much pain and
she has accepted that she is in the hospital, now that they
have given her, her own room, and one of us is with her always,
she is more settled, and less confused.

So we take it, as it is, and are glad of it,
one more day at a time.

M

The last post shows how quickly things change,
how life is so unexpected and complicated,
or so it seems to me anyway,

Mam of course has deteriorated, she had some
good days, mostly good mind days.
It was like her mind had come back to us,
as her body was leaving, it kinda made it easier.

The last two days has not been as kind,
especially yesterday, and then last night.
Mam is so confused, disorientated and
because of this distressed, we too are distressed.
Especially my dad, who cannot bear to see her this way,
I dont know what the heck to say or do sometimes,
Does a rub on the back or a hug help?
I doubt it, but its all I can do, and its so flippin cruel.

We need to get her home, hospital is so confusing,
there is too much going on, she has no routine, and
routine is vital to her, the patients and nurses faces change
to frequently and as long as she is there that can't be changed,
So we shall see, hopefully today, it was supposed to be
yesterday, but the team were unavailable, can you believe it
unavailable, the health service in Ireland is a shambles,
and the people suffering are the ones that always suffer,
the vunerable, the weak,
it is to the shame of humankind.

M

My Mam actually has less senior moments now,
or maybe we are just more tolerant, I dont know,
but her old wit is back, and sometimes it is so hilarious,

She is not eating at all, and hardly drinking,
yesterday the nurse was giving out to her (telling her off)
You are not drinking your tea, she said,
Mam made a face and turned to my daughter who
was sitting opposite her,
"More chance of me drinking cats piss than that muck"
My daughter almost fell off the chair laughing,
and Mam was delighted, and it perked her up.

Perked us all up.

M

My Mam is still with us,
she is a warrior, I told her this the other day,
she says, I dont want to warriorer any more,
its hard not to cry in front of her,
sometimes she knows how ill she is,
mostimes she doesnt.

My sister and I are working to taking mam home from hospital
it will be hard, but not as hard as hearing her say everyday,
I want to go home.

Tomorrow, we are meeting with the pallitive care people,
and we are going to try to get her home, if they say
its medically okay, then it is happening, we will manage,
My mam deserves to be in her home, in her comfort,
and whilst the care she is receiving in hospital is great,
its not home, and its not where she wants to be.

For those of us who gets the chance to say goodbye,
to be with our loved one in their last days, no stone should
be left unturned, no effort should be too hard,
Sometimes you only get one time to say,
I love you, sometimes you get loads,
You should take each time.

M

So far, it hasnt left my head that song,
so Shall I tell you about my life,

This last few weeks, I have mentioned my mam and that she
is ill, she is worse than ill, she has liver cancer,
and  last weekend we were told there is nothing, no treatment,
no hope.

How do you do that accept that there is no hope,
that your mam, is terminally ill, times is all she has,
and that the time that she has is limited.

Yesterday, we were told it is more likely days
than weeks, but they cannot commit, I understand that,
they do not know the will of god, more importantly they
do not know the will of my mam,
Unfortunately, desperately they do know the
will of the liver,
and when it stops
everything stops.

I do not know how you accept it,
My mam has moderate alzemheirs,
she has been getting worse, and sometimes
I do not deny, that I use to despair, and say
I would hate her to slowly disapper from us
to live in a body minus a mind, and deep down,
for me I probably still feel like that, but right
now, when I look at my brave and beautiful mam
(for she was a stunner as a young woman, and does
not look her 70years).

I look at my mam, whom I
have always loved even in her nuttiest moments (quite a few)
and I want her to stay here on this earth with us,
with my dad,
with me.

M

I think I mentioned before,
how music has a massive affect on me,
it catches my emotions, and I respond
with laughter, smiles, or as it has been lately
tears.

For the last week or so, the
first line of a song has been going through
my head over and over, and I dont ever
get by the first line, but when a song does,
that my logic, tries to figure out what the heck
is my emotions trying to tell me now.

So the words in my head are,
Fleetwood Mac, good music anyway,
'shall I tell you about my life'

Now thats a weird one, because,
I am telling you about my life, so
it cant be that, so what is it.

My eldest girl asked me, what was I up too,
as I may be going mad, she says, every so often
mam you sing one line of a song, so I just
tell her, this song is in my head, and wont
get the hell out, and I put it on Utube for her,
(I am so modern), she says its familiar,
but I dont know where Ive heard it.

My girl obviously takes after her mam,
and that song kept annoying her, and then
she said, Mam, I know its from the ad on the
tv, you know the car ad.

Im thinking maybe Ford, or some brand car use it,
and she is no mam, the road safety ad, where there
is a car crash, Im sure its played in the background.

I still couldnt see the relevance to me, why or what the
hell that song was bugging me, what the heck it meant,
and then last night, my, it makes sense voice spoke to me
'Shall I tell you about your life, Maria, its a goddam car crash'

So I understand know, and Im writing it down, in the hope
that like every other headwrecking thing I wrote about,
it leaves my head then.

I'l let you know, and in my next post,
I'l tell you my latest car crash story.

M

Where do I get posts like the last one,
when I spend ages avoiding the poor me,
suffer the martyr syndrome.

Thats an easy one to answer,
I went to see a friend, she opened a bottle,
we talked, I opened the box,
my poor me, and my misery box.

Dammit, I either give up the misery,
or give up the few bevvies,
the bevvies is the usual one, I stay away
from but sometimes, I just like to unwind,
so I guess, its up to me now,
to try and give up the misery,

Ah sometimes, a bit of an aul wallow,
it does release some of the misery,
one day, I hope that box will be empty,
one day.

M

So, I haven't posted in awhile,
why? is it because I have nothing to say,
Nope, of course not, I always have something to say, haha

It is because things have been so goddam awful
I havent wanted to share or burden the misery with anyone,
but the lighthearted jokes just dont cut it anymore.

My mam is seriously ill, thats all I want to say,
life sometimes make you wonder, you know,
the worst thing you can think is jeez, things are so
hard, it couldnt get any harder, because when you think that
its jinxed and
things just get harder.

The priorities in life with me have always been family,
always.
I think that there is nothing wrong with that, although I
recognise that sometimes the family that was prioritized was
sometimes my extended family, like mam and dad, and sisters,
and I still dont see like he did, that it was wrong,
but it seems to me that what you hold dearest to you,
is easiest hurt, broken or destroyed.

The worst thing I have seen in the time since I found out about
him and whore, and the whole sorry saga,
is the loss the destruction,
the falling apart of my family,
dont get me wrong as four we are together,
my kids are my life, they know I am there for them,
I know they love and  respect me,
but the dent in our life is palpable,
its obvious
it is irreplaceable.

So we looked to our extended family, my sister, my dad, my mam
(although her illness made us her support rather than ours)
and now she is ill, and again I am afraid,
I want her to be okay, to heal,
to be well again.

I feel selfish too, like how much more can we take,
why does the shit have to hit
again, give us a break, give me a break,
let me rebuild, I have had enough.

How selfish is that?
how selfish am I.?

M

So I did two kerryman jokes that came
from way back in the recess of my mind,
sometimes when I open those recesses,
the divil in them wont go away,
so the worst jokes from my childhood are obviously
the only ones I remember and they want out too.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Cause it saw the zebra crossing!

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
cause it didnt see the truck coming!

Why the did other hedgehog cross the road?
cause it wanted to see its flat mate!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
cause it was the chickens day off!

Hopefully now that I have got them
down in print they stay outta my head!!!

M

Where I work there are two separate sections,
one is the compound were the maintenance crew work out of,
this is quite a bit away from the main area.

So I only get to really communicate with them via phone,
they check in each morning.

On my shift when the boss checks in,
he and I have a routine conversation,
which I think I actually started.

He rings I answer, Hey Ben, how are you today?
he goes, good Maria, and how are you?
Well Ben, I'm still upright, so that has to be a good start!!
He laughs congratulates me for being upright,
says thank God for that and I'll talk to you tomorrow,
I say, bye Ben and laugh back.

Every day, I thank God that I'm upright,
and on the right side of the grass!
Its such a good place to be.

 M

How do you get a kerry man
onto the roof of a pub?,
Tell him the drinks are
on the house!!

M

I would like to post a funny story,
a cheer me upper, to take the dulldrums
after the last few post, but
nothing funny happened.

However, I am as I say upright,
and above the ground, so I am grand,
and life moves on, and so am I.

I could do a typical Irish joke,

'how do you confuse a kerryman,
put three shovels in a hole and
tell him to take his pick!!'

(apologies to any kerry reader,
but Im a dub and its what I was reared on)

M

Although, I'm as I say grand,
I have been affected by the events of last week
in the court.

I find myself down in the dumps,
not depressed because I rarely do depressed,
there is not enough of me to give to depression anyway,
and that is definitely in a glass half full category.

He is of course the reason behind this,
his refusal to come or communicate on the day
of court was bad enough, but much much worse than
that was his failure to communicate with his kids,
its like he plays a pathetic game with them, he waits for
one of them to contact him, then says he hasnt heard from the others
doesnt he realise, its up to him, to heal their pain,
They are kids, he is suppose to be the adult,
he is the one who is not here, he should be fighting for their
love, their attention, their forgiveness,
not them.

I suppose that may be because he is also down in the dumps,
life isnt the fabulous life he must have imagined it would be
without us, or maybe he is happy, it doesnt seem so,
or maybe he is happier without me, and not without the rest,
the kids, our home, his job, I dont really know,
what I do know is I am definitely not happy, and until all
this I was, and I do hold him and whore completely responsible,
but have accepted that it is what is is, I am where I am,
and I have got to make the most or best of it.

The thing is sometimes stuff affects me, like sad stories,
happy stories, but mostly I am affected by music.

There are a few artists who have perfected the art of touching
my heart, Adele is one she is great, the other is Christina Perri,
she with one song in particular, brings emotions out in me,
its called Jar of Hearts.

Some of the song does not apply to me,
but most of it so does,
I guess all of it would except in my life
he is not trying to get back in, but if he was,
I would be follow her train of thought, because
the trust would be gone, and I trusted him with me,
with us, with our love, life, our family, and he gave it away,
he gave it away, without remorse, without second thought,
without bother.

One of the verses from this song is,

'who do you think you are,
running 'round leaving scars,
collecting your jar of hearts
and tearing love apart
Your going to catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul, (then the bit that never refers to me)
So dont come back for me,
who do you think you are'.

When I hear this, especially the
your going to catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul, bit

I feel like shouting, it will be pneumonia, because the ice,
in his case, is in his eyes, his head and especially his heart.

Another part is 'I've learned to live half alive,'
well thats not true, I would change that from half alive,
to half a life,
because thats what it feels like to me, half my life as I knew
it, is missing, its gone, it shows in many ways, the most obvious is
no partner, but he was more than that to me, he was my other
half, why did he not know that, how could he not see that.

He was part of our family every day, every moment, and while
I may not have been hanging out of him, constantly telling him
I loved him, holding his hand, I guess that was my failing,
I understand that, but what did those things mean anyway,
he did those things with me, always, and when the truth
came out, he told me, that he thought I would never find out,
but I was the problem, really, as I didnt show him enough love,
didnt go out enough with him, put others first.

It didnt feel like that to me, and I tell you what,
to hear from a man, who has cheated on you, for years,
that you didnt show him enough love, is sickening,
and not acceptable, because love is being there,
love is sticking around when the hard times hit,
love is truth, love is loyalty, love is non transferable,
and with me it was real.

So when he went with whore, he wasnt showing me enough love,
he wasnt going out with me enough, and he certainly put others first,
and me and my beautiful children, family, came paddy last.

Not good enough.

Who do you think you are.

Today was always going to be a bad day for me,
He however decided
that bad just wasnt bad enough.

Our judicial separation date was today,
I went there, yeah our marriage is over,
I know that, but it was I knew going to be
a tough one, tough because I cared,
tough because he didnt.

So anyway, I thought I was prepared,
you know, psyched up,
ready for whatever he brought on.
I thought nothing he said
or did could shock me,
I guess I was right,
except what shocked me was
he did nothing,
he brought nothing on.
He never showed.

Jesus, 24 years of marriage,
and he didnt even have the manners or
consideration for me to attend.
Or even to let me know,
either personally or through
the solicitor, he wasnt even bothered attending.

The fact that the case was to be heard early morning,
meant his no show gave leeway for him to be contacted,
or attempt to contact him,
we were sent away from the
judge to try and get hold of him,
to make sure he was a no show,
to give him his chance,
to be fair to him.

Fair to him, what about fair to me???
yes it is a pity the poor sap me moment,
but I had to sit there, all day,
and wait to give him his chance,
for him to ignore all calls and texts,
to demoralise me, to humiliate me,
to show me once again,
how little I or our marriage meant
to him, and then go before everyone in that room,
and know, see and feel in my heart in my soul and in my eyes,
the insult and pain this man once again brought to me.

I dont even know anymore did he ever love me,
or how I feel now, hate, hurt, distress,
but its not like in the beginning when
I felt the emptiness, that big gaping hole
in my chest.

Today, well today, my heart hurt
so much, and I felt so, so insignificant,
so I dont even know how to express the emotion,
how do you wrap into words the
abandonment, hostility, unfeeling, the disregard,
that this man showed to me today,
so Im using just that one word,
the one that
I guess really does wrap it all up
Pain.

At the end of this long day, I came away with
my separation, and as its family law, I cannot
discuss the details anyway, and Im so wrecked
by the day, I dont want to, anyway,
he reads this.

However today, other people
cared for me, three of them were
legal eagles, thank god they were there,
and of course my earth angel.

Noreen, I say
thank god,
she says,
Maria,
god doesnt care,
but I tell you this,
he must, little sister

for he sent me you.

As for you gerry,

you are a dog,
and she deserves you completely,

So in my glass half full, consideration,
Im lucky,

I'm rid of you!

Sometimes, I find it hard to decide what type of luck I have,
am I lucky or unlucky.
There has been events in my life that are
glass half full, or glass half empty moments.

You probably have these moments yourself,
I just seem to get lots of them,
and I do mean lots!

The latest was a few days ago,
I had to have a scope down into my
as I like to call them inners.

Anyway, as I was going to be out of it,
I needed a lift home, so of course my earth angel sister
was there for me.
I swear she is the best human being I have
ever met, and I thank God that she is my sister,
my friend, my strength.

So, we are driving to the hospital, and we were just there,
I thought I could smell burning,
'whats that smell', I says, 'its
like something is burning'?
Now my sis has severe sinusitis, and
was not impressed with the question.
"Fecks sake, I can't smell anything,
I wish people would stop saying they smell something in this car",
(not very angelic, that bit).

So I was good (for once) and said nothing,
we came to a corner, and she went to turn, suddenly there was smoke
everywhere, the car was billowing smoke,
we jumped out and she flagged down
a passing car.

He was a really helpful taxi driver!, he popped the bonnet, and was ready with
his fire extinguisher, but the fire died, and it was just smoke,
the gearbox had burnt out, so between us we pushed it to the side, and then
we had to sort out what to do next.

I was only a few minutes walk from the hospital,
so I had to leave her
my appointment was ten minutes away,
I felt so bad leaving, she felt so bad staying,
the car had to be looked after, and so did I,
so in I went and out she stayed.

She got to come in after she spoke to the insurance company, and
they were going to send a recovery truck out, she would have to go
with it, or she would not get it home that day, so she stayed with me
until the truck came and by then we had sorted my friend out to come pick
me up later after the procedure, so it all worked out in the end.
(it was much more dramatic than it reads by the way)

Hence, the half full half empty, lucky unlucky, question.

1a lucky we had just reached the hospital when the car went on fire
1b unlucky the car went on fire.
2a lucky the car had breakdown recovery
2b unlucky she had to go with the car
3a lucky my friend was on a day off and could pick me up
3b unlucky my stomach is giving me enough jif, to have to be scoped.

So do I breathe a sigh of relief, that worse doesnt happen,
or do I inhale a sharp breath that things do happen.

The truth, I want to be positive and go with the half full,
lucky it wasnt worse idea,
but sometimes,
I am sick of the half empty moments,
which I really could do without.

The end of this is even after writing it down, I'm no wiser,
So between the sigh of relief, and the intake of breath.

I am just going to keep breathing,
and carry on regardless...

M

The Butterfly Tree

In my family for many years now,
Butterflies have had a special meaning.

I myself have always loved butterflies,
even as a smallie, but when my father in law died,
ten years ago, the significance was for all of us.

We were in the church, and it was almost the end of his funeral service,
the part when the priest blesses the coffin, there was a family wreath on
the top of his coffin, and when the priest blessed it a butterfly rose up
out of the wreath flew around the coffin and then out onto the altar.

It was for us a very special moment, there were many meanings we took from it,
but we knew that he was happy, he was at peace, and it was comforting.
My kids always took it that the butterfly came from Holy Gods' garden,
sent by their grandad, to look after us, you know what that description settled
well with us.

Ever since that day, butterflies have been with us, maybe people will snort and
say, coincidence, that doesnt matter to us, in our hearts it felt good.

I remember the first day I went back to work after Gerry and I split,
I walked through the carpark, and five butterflies came around me, it
brought me to tears, but I said out loud, thank you!
(really Im so soppy sometimes)
I did feel like they were there for me,
and all through that summer they were
about me, and often when I was at my saddest,
one would just appear and I didnt
feel so alone at that moment.

When one of the lads said, those butterflies
are weird why are they hanging around,
and the maintenance guy said, ah yeah there
is a nest of them in the gantry wall thats why,
I said nothing, it didnt change
my opinion they were there for me.

When I redid my room up, you've read that saga,
anyway, I moved the bed and it left me with an
overhead panel that was blank, and nothing I had
seemed to look right in it, so I often looked in
DIY or knick knack shops for something.

Last month I saw a shop I hadnt been in, so I
just love a browse and in I went, and there hanging
on the wall in front of me, there it was my panel filler,
my significance,
My Butterfly Tree.

It is made from copper, I think!
Its a tree and in that tree,
I saw three butterflies,
2 red and one green.
My two girls, and one boy.

I felt it was right, but when I looked at the price,
I was like no way, it was too dear, so I walked out.

I came home and was telling the kids, they were like,
Mam, buy it, go on.
I am too cautious about spending on stuff like
that, so I resisted, but that tree called me for a month,
then yesterday I was out and I passed the shop again.

So I went in, and looked at my tree, and it was marked down,
now, suitable, beautiful and a bargain,
that I cannot resist, to be honest
I dont think I was gonna come out of that shop
without my tree,
So I bought it, when I was paying the girl said,
oh yeah the four butterflies,
I said no three, she smiled said look again, there
is a special butterfly, same colour as the leaves, its there,

I looked where she pointed at,
there it was my fourth butterfly,
My full family,
two red, one green, one bronzy gold.
My daughters, my son and me.

Thanks for sending it to me.

M

Things are as Im known for saying
Grand!,
life is back settled into routine
again.

Kids are schooling,
Im working, we are busy bees,
Im trying to get them to commit to
what they want for christmas, so I can
do my usual, shop around, save like mad stint.

The lack of interest in it all doesnt really surprise me,
Santa's magic isnt about us anymore, they are in the teen
what about money, mode, and Im not having that, I hate
giving money, I dont mind a few bob, but it should not be
the main present, I want something they can have for some time,
even if its a new phone, so,
they are thinking about it.

Im sure they will come up with something!!!


M

So he has been home a few days,
the kids are still hurting,
I dont know how or when that will change.

I just wish it would, unfortunately, I can do
absolutely nothing about it, and its hard to accept
that, but that is how it is.

Its up to him really, and them of course,
they have to come to terms with the way it is,
I just wish it was easier for them,
I wish he made it easier for them,
I have alot of wishes, most of them relate to him,
and most of them are foolish and unrealistic.
Oh yeah and unatainable.

The thing about me, is that logic,
internal or external, either guides
or blocks my choices in life,
and the logic in me, knows,
the shit hit the fan,
the blowout from the fan was massive,
and the fecking fan is still on.

M

So its his birthday today,
do I want to wish him happy birthday,
No.
Why
Well of course there is the obvious reason
the standard, lying cheating ba.tard reason,
and then there is the reason,

My youngest went to town last weekend,
she came home and said to me, Mam,
I bought dad a present for his birthday,
she showed it to me, and I told her it was
a great pressie, he would love it, and
he would know she really thought about
what he liked to buy him that.

It was a big step for her, she had been
so mad at him for a long time now,
I was so happy to see her do this,
I gave her a big hug, told her she was
a great girl, and asked her when was she
going to give it to him, she said
Eh, on his birthday, in that
for gods sake mam,
when do you think tone,
that teens perfect at fourteen!!

She said she might maybe get the other two to spend that day
with him, it had been a long time so maybe because it was his
birthday they would do that and see how it goes.

My eldest girl said she would think about it to her,
but to me she said, I will go, but I bet he wont even be here
remember last year?
Oh shit, I do, he went to whore for his birthday,
it caused major upset with the kids, they were so hurt,
I remember telling him it was a mistake for him to go then,
and he told me I was wrong they would be grand,
I remember
that he was wrong.

Anyway, I asked her would she check with him,
she was not impressed
I said if you dont want to you can say no,
and then I will, but we dont really have contact with each other anymore,
I would prefer it
if you asked, she was not keen but said,
I will.

The next day, my youngest was still making plans,
about the maybe we will spend the day,
but the maybe was not as big a maybe,
so I asked the eldest did you text him, she said no,
I said please, she felt pressured I knew this, I felt
bad putting her in that position and should have texted him,
but I was trying not to,
also I knew he would take it as me stirring.

Anyway she told me she texted,
will you be here the weekend
and he didnt reply, I said he will.
He did four hours later, he replied,
No, Im not around.
oh shit again!!

When we were at dinner, the youngest mentioned it,
so I said, he wont be here, Im so sorry
so she texted him
when are you going to germany
and when will you be back
he replied thursday to monday,
it was tuesday, so he was going in two days,
and hadnt told them til now,
the sap,
she flipped,
thats it, that is it, he blew his last chance,
the pressie is going back, F..k him,
I told her not to curse, and calm down
and blah blah blah, she told me,
but he knew last year,
he knew how hurt we were
you told him,
and he went again, he went again,
why does he do that?

How do you explain to someone you love,
that their dad is putting himself first,
above everyone
how do you tell them
that the most important person
in his life is him,
and he is so wrapped up in himself
that he is all that matters,
how do you say that
without breaking their hearts
more than he is already breaking them.

So I told her,
well its his birthday,
he will be wanting
his birthday ride!!

Mam, they said together,
Mam, thats gross,
Yep I said, gross.
The conversation was over,
the dinner was binned,
the pressie, I havent seen it since,
and the damage is done.

Im hoping she gives him the pressie
when he comes home,
but its a faint hope,
when he reads this as he does
Im hoping he will cop on,
but its a no hope,

So do I wish him happy birthday
No.


M

Today was a sad day for my family,

We said goodbye to our aunt, my dads sister
Lily,

Lily was a beautiful person, she was 85 years young and
she was as the priest
called her a child of the Light.

I remember visiting Lily as a young child myself,
Many many times my dad and mam brought us to the home
Lily lived in, it was strange when I look back now, but then
well then it just seemed normal.

We used to bring her dolls and bangles and necklaces, and
handbags, she liked handbags
she loved cups, for she loved her tea.

My most pressing memory of Lily was how she used to sing to us
she sang two songs,
one for her and one for us,

'Lily the Pink, and, How much is that doggie in the window?'
I have never heard those songs without thinking of Lily and always
the thought brought a smile and a nice feeling to my mind and heart.

My fourteen year old daughter told me today, that those songs
have exactly the same affect on her, so did my sisters,
my dad, mam and everyone
who knew and loved Lily.

Today at the end of her simply beautiful service,
the friends Lily had made in her long life in the community care home
broke into song,
that song was,
how much is that doggie in the window,
and we all smiled
and sang with them,
and my dad stood up and smiled and waved, and cried,
and we all had tears in our eyes and smiles in our hearts
as we said goodbye
to Lily the Pink.

May she rest, as she lived,
A happy peaceful Soul,
God bless you Lily.
Night Night.

I had a good weekend,
Saturday myself and my earth angel sister,
went to see a bee gees tribute night in Dublin.

It was the birthday present my kids had bought us,
and Noreen was the second person ticket,
they know she is now my other half anyway,
and it was bought with her and me in mind,
sure we are a couple of old
cronies now anyway...

Anyway it was great, the craic was brilliant,
and yes to our shame, well not ours, maybe the kids if
they had seen us, we were, yes indeed,
we were dancing in the aisles,
and on the chairs,

we had a ball.

Thanks kids
it was a great great idea,
you know your mam!!

By the way,

Today should have been my 24th wedding anniversary,
it wasnt!

How did I do, okay,

First thing it was a bit hard, I thought my head was
going to be wrecked, then I went to work, I got busy,
had some craic, over the DUBS winning the All Ireland,
its sweet when we finally win after 16 years of trying hard.

After that I had a school meeting to attend to,
so it was almost nine pm when I got home for dinner,
and by then time I got sorted afterwards with tidying,
lunches and nagging the kids (not quite a joke)
it is now bedtime, and the day is almost done, almost gone,

I think I done good.
Im glad, sad, and yeah sometimes still mad,
but its okay, I guess thats the way it should be.

Lets hope it continues to get easier.

M

I have a friend,
I call her my forever friend,
one because we have been friends forever,
two because we will be friends forever.

We do however at times try each others patience!!

Last time was her time to try mine.

She is into religion, big time,
that is not a problem, I am thankful for it,
because sometimes without her religion she would be
a mess, also she puts a good word in with the lord,for me.
I need it.

Anyway, she is also into forgiveness, we have had many discussions
in the past regarding forgiveness, I am not as good at it as she is.

She feels this is a massive failing for me on this point,
I think it is one of my character traits, I am strong, but
I hurt, and I do not like it if people who deliberately hurt
me or mine, and when it is deliberate, I do not forgive easily,
and sometimes I do not even consider forgiving at all.

Do is make me harsh, maybe, but I am straight, loyal and true,
why can all people not be like that, then there would be no
need for forgiving for deliberate hurts, they would not happen!!

Yes a foolish dream I know, but there you are, it is on record,
I have been a fool already, whats new.

Anyway, that is the background to our testing my patience this time.

We were chatting, about him, me, and what is ahead, will I go into
a new relationship, if the opportunity presents itself,
and she comes out with a gem, a real goddam gem.

You will not be getting an opportunity, anyway,
I said "What", she goes, no not until you forgive him,
I do the roll my eyes, not that shite again, look,
and then she tops it, I mean she really tops it.

She says
"no man will want to go with you, your eyes are full of bitterness"
Holy God, I thought either she needs help or I do,
Both is probably true.

Anyway, I of course have a quick smart mouth, and had a reply,

I said, Are You For REAL, do you know nothing,about MEN,
When I do go out into that scene and I will you know,
I will be dressed up, looking good, and MEN, will look,
and they will look, but they will look at my tits and my ass,
not my frigging eyes!!, and anyway, I am not bitter to all men,
just him, the ex, Gerry.

She stared at me for a few minutes, dumbfounded maybe,
I sat and waited, and then at the same time, we both
burst out laughing at what I had said, and I forgave her,
because she thought she was helping, even if it hurt.

PS, I asked three other friends, who know me well,
Do I have bitterness in my eyes, all the time,
please tell me,
They say no, not at all, sometimes you look sad,
sometimes you look tired, and sometimes you laugh,
but mostly you just look like you!!

So that will do me.

(Im still going to wear a short skirt, when I venture out,
just in case they dont know where to look.

M

Yesterday was my birthday,
I had a nice day, in fact
I had a nice weekend,
My earth angel sister of course
came up, and her hubby,and son.

My friend from the states who shares
the same birthday was here, we had a day
out with friends, and then yesterday
I went to dinner with my folks,
it was nice.

I am forty seven years old now,
and yep
I feel every minute of it.
:-)

Last night I had a long night,
its been awhile, so it surprised me,
no sleep, and I mean like none,

What was keeping me awake? ME,
yeah, just me, my head, and I..

I was caught up in a feeling I have not acknowledged
for some time now, that feeling, disbelief.
I just couldnt shake it.
Not the couldnt, shouldnt, wouldnt
emotions about him,
just the disbelief.

I think it runs within me all the time,
disbelief, that he could just walk away,
leave his life with our family,
him, me, the kids.

I think it is because all along, we thought,
and I mean we, my kids, and I, anyway, we thought
he was the best thing since slice bread,
how do you do that,
make people see something for so long
that is so untrue.
Even if it was true to him, at the time
because he was living the two lives,
how is it that, those
things suddenly become untrue,
that he is now not a good man,
a good dad, a good husband.

I think that is the disbelief,
I can see the lies, about whore,
sure that is easy, that is what midlife crisis's do
they make a liar and cheater out of what used to be a good man,
but when the lies are out,
how is it that the lie was not about whore,
but about us, about his life with us,
and we, them and me,
where the wrongdoing,
the wrong choice, the wrong lie to live.

So when I write it down after a sleepless night,
I know, Im still
there in the dark, in disbelief..

To add to it,
I am also here in the day, in total knowledge,
in wide awake about this whole horrible story,
and that is most definitely a better place to be,
than believing,
sleeping
and living in the dark.

M

its been a funny few weeks for me,
Not funny haha, funny strange,
well ups and downs I should really say.

I did a bit of redecorating,
My youngest did up her room, she wanted
rid of the pink, no surprise there with a 14yr old.

She went for a really nice blue, kinda an electric blue,
I like it, more importantly she likes it, even more importantly
to her, her mates like it.

Whilst she was painting it herself, and her best friend forever,
they got paint all over the place, including the pink carpet,
(a ploy I think), anyway, she got a new carpet a remenant,
so it was cheap, and anyway my earth angel, and her best aunt,
paid for it. She is so good.xx

So we are grey and blue, with a bit of teal thrown in on the duvet,
She is happy, thats what counts.

Then I had the decorating bug, my room hasnt been touched really
since after we moved in, so it was overdue, also I wanted
to as my sister said,
get all of him out of there.

I went down to the shed and found half tins of paint left from
when we did up the kitchen/dining room in 2009, so I mixed two
paints together and got a caramel colour, no its not gross, its
actually nice and because they were a silk sheen they looked good.

I repainted the wardrobes white,cheap yeah but cheerful, (I promise).
When I was doing this I moved the bed around, Im half way round moving
this feckin kingsize wooden bed and I hear a crack, followed by a groan,
(the groan was me), and yep I d done it DIY Destroy it yourself, Id
broken the bed, and where I broke it on his side, at the receiver for the
support and leg and headboard, there was no going back with that one.

When it broke, it was like, well that doesnt surprise me, it doesnt fecking
surprise me at all, it is an omen anyway, what more did I expect.
So I wallowed for about ten minutes, then coped myself on,
and kept going with the painting, the bed would have to wait.

So I got my dad to look and the bed and pass an opinion on it,
yep he said, its f..ked!!,
marvellous.
So now what, I priced new beds, no way could I afford it,
so I did more DIY, that is I rebuilt the bed in a smaller form,
using the underneath storage and the wooden slats from the broken
bed, and now I have a new bed, that fits better in the room,
I still have the storage, and its not our old bed,
it is completely revamped,
like the room,
like me??

We had great craic last night
Myself my two girls and my best sister,
went to see Grease the musical.

My son had bought us the tickets as a surprise
it was a great idea, the show is brilliant,
Now there were some surprised faces,
its quite not explicit, because its harmless,
but innuendo is to gentle a word,
there is quite obvious its all about teenage
lets say high jinks haha.

My sister and I had many laughs
and some of them were at the expense
of the two girls red faces,
its is a definite show to go and see with
a gang of girls,
We loved it.

I have a few days off.
It gives me so much joy,
yep thats the word,
joy to be with the girls,
so Im hoping to relax and hang out with them
without driving them too mad with my presence.
It can be a very fine line for them,
but Im learning.
(hopefully so are they)

I had a good few days,
My three rostered off, fell handy,
my youngest wanted to get meet and greet tickets
for Jedward, (google them, they are brilliant, funny, positive)
and young.

She thinks they are gas, and great, anyway, she queued
in the shopping centre til 12am, thursday, and was able to
greet and meet with them on saturday, she wanted to stay overnight
in the shopping centre on friday with a few of the gang,
guess what, NO WAY!!

Anyway she got up early and I dropped her and another girl
with a sensible (meaning boring) mam, down,
They werent to far back in the queue anway.

I went home had a bit of brekkie, got my other girl up,
and we went back down to watch the craic from the railings
It was hilarious, these guys are so much fun, so into their
fans they spent a couple of minutes which each person and let
them take pictures video on phone, and the autographed everything
put in front of them, even clothes the kids had on them.

I have to say, they impressed me, with their efforts, fair play to
them, no wonder they are so popular.

The eldest girl and me did the food shop, a chore which she hates
and I put up with, but it was actually good the two of us,
we had a laugh and she got as much junk food as she wanted.

It is so easy to please me sometimes, I just want us to have
happy family time, alot of the time its me nagging them to do
their chores (and them rolling their eyes up and not doing their chores)
which of course leads to more nagging and more eye rolling.

Normal mam, teen, stuff, I know, I suppose because Im the only
one nagging them now, it seems like its all the time to me and
them, so it was good to break that cycle and have a laugh.

She called it bonding time, so I guess she realises we are
missing that sometimes, I must try and nag less, and chill out
more.
I may struggle with that one.

How are things for me
I guess okay is a good word,
I kinda know where I stand now,
its on my own, he has shown us,
all of us, he doesnt give a shit,
his priority is at it has been for
what is since I found out, over a year,
anyway, his priority is him, (oh yeah and whore)


He is off on another trip to whore valley,
My son told me he was going,
I thought I would be upset,
I guess this is new, I just accepted it,
even though he had told me they were finished,
doesnt he know, the lies are no longer necessary,
maybe it just comes so naturally to him, or maybe
he cant tell the truth from the lies anymore, or
maybe he just cant tell the truth.

Whatever it is, I guess its him as he is now,
I accept that, I understand that, he is not any where
near the man I thought him to be, and that was the man
I loved, lost and mourned, this receptacle body is not
the husband/man I had judged him to be, I accept that
I was wrong I have bad judgement, lets hope I have learned
from that.

Anyway, I of course haven't really let go,
Im still having suffering the martyr moments,
my family and friends tell me Im entitled to,
he tells me its my own fault,
I tell myself, whatever I feel today,
Im feeling it,
ce cera cera,
haha.boohoo,
whatever!!

Oh yeah, I bailed on the date, but then I think if you
have been reading this, and hismidlifemycrisis you probably
could have put money on the fact that I wouldn't go anyway,
to soon for me, to soon for my kids, to soon for my head, and
yep you've guessed it
way to soon for my heart.

Some day??

Happy Birthday Noreen :-)
Thank you for your love and support and your strength.

Sorry today was not about celebrating your birthday
it so should have been, the rest of it should have been
put were it belongs in the trash.

we will go out the weekend, and lets have an all about you night.

Love always little sister.

M

On my three day off, the girls and I went to the cinema,
we saw Deathly Hallows, Part 2, the final film
in the Harry Potter saga.

I read all the Harry Potter books,
I loved them, I started reading because
my son was reading it, and I wanted to make sure
it was okay for him to read, I think he was about
ten, but that cant really be, because it was only
yesterday!!

I remember I was hooked, when Dumbledore died, I was horrified,
I didnt see that coming, JK Rowling really knows how to tell a story
and to keep people reading through seven books, wow.

Anyway the films, were a very good adaptation on the books,and
the actors really were just as I imagined them in my minds eye,
so I was sad for the last film to come, but looked forward to it
also, Im not sure whether the girls came for me, or I went for them,
but I have a suspicion it was a bit of both, (but more them for me)...

We sat in the cinema, and for almost two hours and fifteen minutes there
was hardly a word from anyone, I only saw two people go to the loo,
and at the end of the film there was spontaneous applause,
how good was that.

Another good day all round.

M

So how interesting is this,

I got asked out on a date. Was it a woowoo moment,
No, I was kinda horrified, taken aback and pleased,
all at the one moment, he is a nice guy, but not my type,
Jeez do I have a type, its twenty five years since I looked
romantically towards any man other than himself.

Yep I have a type, anyway, I said not this week Im busy,
maybe next week give me a text, he is a nice guy,
but I really dont think Im ready to go there, and when I am,
it will have to be my type, plus at least 10 years background
history known to me.

I think I might be limiting myself too much, we'll see.

Oh the thoughts of it.

M

Today I went bowling with the girls,
their cousin and a friend,
we had a laugh, it is amazing
how competitive everyone was,
even though no one said it,
everyone was watching their score,
and not impressed when someone beat their own score.

I of course was beat hands down. boo hoo

Next time its crazy golf,

Im insisting!!

Late last week I met with him
I was trying to arrange to meet an old
friend on the same day, she lives in the
town he now lives in, unfortunately she was working
when I was in town so we couldnt meet.

Anyway the next day she texted me how did you get on.
I did the usual moan, I cant believe him,
he is a horrible stranger.

Her reply has stayed with me, Maria, its been a year
you are a strong woman, you will be grand.

To be honest, I think she meant to say,
'shut the f..k up'
I think maybe she is right, people must be sick
of the constant whinge by now, so I am going to try and
shut the f..k up,
I will try and go back to
the moved on from this new year start blog.

I do have good times, funny times, loving family times
So I am going to try and stick to them,
they will probably do me good,
probably do anyone who reads them good too.

Lets hope it lasts.

M

This week I got mad at him, really mad
there was a good reason for this, I guess there usually is.
Anyway, because of decisions he made, to keep me in the dark
about his losing his job, almost four months ago,
and when I found out, suddenly he has no cash to pay,
no redundancy left, conveniently, now I and my kids and our home
are up shit creek without a paddle.

I guess the only thing is I was expecting it to happen, just not
for another while, I was hoping to get their big exams out of the
way next year first.

So yep, I got mad, and when I fronted him about it one of the days,
Mr Horrible came out, told me back to square one that it was my fault,
he was in this position, my blah,blah, blah, and you know what, well
Mrs Horrible came out also.

The problem for me now is, that she stayed, she looked at this guy,
and for the first time in this god awful saga, I hated him.

My son was in the upstairs bathroom and he heard some of the crap
this guy was spouting, and he knew I was upset, but what can you do,
what can anyone do. So a new me has developed from all this
and she is not a nice new me,
She is cranky, she is hard, and she is mean, and I dont like her
very much, and I am struggling to get past this meanness.
Unfortunately she surfaces when we meet. It doesnt go down well with
him, actually it doesnt go down well with me either, but I am beyond
fighting the hostility towards him.

Another mean thing I did was to email whore, and some of her colleagues
the blog address, why did I do this, well I guess I wanted whore especially
to know the devastation she had caused, yes I do know there were two of them
involved, but as I have said before, If it wasnt for women like whore there
wouldnt be women like me.

Did I hear back, no, well he tells me she is going to sue me if I dont
remove whore name from hismidlifemycrisis, so I told him to pass this message
on, bring it on, you cant sue for libel or slander if its the truth, and everything
I wrote was the truth of my feelings, or what I know.

Anyway I also told him, that I would look forward to reading about it in
the german and Irish national papers.

So I told him the best thing she could do, was hang her head in shame, and keep her
mouth shut.

He tells me they are no longer together, she dumped him, wait for it because of me.
I told him she dumped him because of him, not me, because he was no use to whore
anymore, he had no job, no money, no credit card to splash out, she was done with
him.

I myself am delighted to hear that news, I never wished them any happiness together,
so she wrecked my marriage, my kids and I are devasted, my home is in jeopardy, and
for what to walk away when the going got tough.

Money cant buy you love, but no money can sure lose the love quick.

The sickner is I would have stayed with him, FOREVER.
Does that make him the fool, or me.

Ah well, thats the way it is now.

Its very simple,
sometimes I think I have a shite life.
However I know that is not really true.

I have shitty things happen in my life,
I have shitty things done to me by shitty people,
and they have a shitty effect on me and my life,
but in real terms, I have a good life.

I have lovely lovely children, who KNOW I love more than anything in the world.
and I KNOW they love me too
I have parents who are still on this earth
who love me and know I love them.

I have the best sister in the world my earth angel whom
I mentioned frequently in my blogs, her husband, who
is my crisis in the home manager, my DIY saviour
I have siblings who I love and mostly we rub along okay.

My extended family cousins, aunts, uncles,
nephews and nieces and my favourite aunt
who is actually an in-law aunt,
but since the day I met
her we got on great.

I have good friends, and a good job, and I work
with some lovely people, friends and colleauges.

So although sometimes I feel like it is all falling
apart, and it is a shitty life,
(and some of the shitty things,
are really shitty), believe me.

I know I have good things,
good people, and I thank god, the universe,
whoever, whatever, that I have these things
they keep me going, they keep me strong.

So yeah I have shitty things done by shitty people,
and shitty moments.

But

I have a good life.

Maria

Lately I have just been all doom and gloom,
Not that that has changed, but I thought you might
like to partake of another nice night I had.

My oldest daughter, well actually both of them,
love to sing, the oldest girl is in the choir in school,
they take it very serious in her school, and were in a
choir competition in the locality last night.

Usually they are much further afield and I dont get to go.
Anyway last night I went with the youngest and a friend of hers,
and sat and listened and loved the singing, the peace and the whole
youthful, refreshing and hope filled atmosphere.

I watched her sing her heart out, she looked so composed,
so serene, and yet you knew her and her friends and peers,
were having a ball.

The even better end to it was they won, but then they are
pretty fab anyway.

A good day all round.

M

How depressing was that last post,
sorry!!

Dont get me wrong,
as awful as I feel, and I do feel awful,
I do feel sad, I guess I am lamenting, grieving,
I'm not sure what the hell I am doing, but
I know that a new life will build,

I dont know what, how or even when,
but I am a surviver, really, I think
I am a struggler, and I will keep going
and life will change for me, and definitely
for my kids.

The young recover, yes it changes them,
but deep down, they had a lovely childhood,
a strong foundation,
we both did that,
and when they get over the hurt,
they will still have that foundation,
I think, young people are built
in a way, that they recover from hurt, and adapt
and accept change, its their survival instinct.
Thank God.

I do however hope they learn from it, I wish I had
had my eyes wide open before.
For the future
I know, never to become complacent with trust, ever,
does that make me harder, paranoid, maybe,
but guess what, it doesnt make me stupid,
or a fool, been there done that.
You live and learn, and I learnt the
hard way, so I wont be forgetting that lesson, ever.

Anyway, I shall live like my new motto,
Carry on regardless.
Its all I can do, that and hope for happiness
in my life, in my childrens lives, and
in MY new familys life.

M.

A friend asked me the other day,
How are you doing, Maria?
I said I was fine, you know okay.

She said do you feel like talking,
now anyone who knows me, really,
I always feel like talking, probably
one of my virtures and vices wrapped up together.

So we talked a little while, I told her my woes,
Ive had a few lately, haha.
She asked me, whats the worse for you,
Is it the lies, or the loneliness,
I did one of my think about it for a moment
and answered as best I could,

Its the loss, I said, thats the worse.

The loss, of the life I had, the love I had,
the trust I had, in fact everything I had, or
really everything I thought I had.
Thats a loss.

The sitting in a hospital waiting room alone,
knowing that he should be there, being my strength,
my support, and he is not, and frigging Michael Jackson,
singing you are not alone in my head, and my eyes, know
as I look around, yes I am.
Thats a loss.

Now I have my beautiful sister
who wanted to drag her sick ass up to be with me, but I said
no, and it was the right thing to do, because it shouldnt have
been her, it should have been him, and the next time I see him,
he didnt even ask, but then why should he, he doesnt care anyway.
Thats a loss.

The kids playing up, and I cant call him to bitch at them,
to say they are brats, or Im worried about the youngest,
when its not about how they are feeling towards him,
Thats a loss.

My mam and her senior moments, and she misses him, and
she thought he was great, and she cant believe he did
that, sure he loved us, her.
Thats a loss.

My dad and his illness, and his right to have his say,
moments, when he says he doesnt believe in divorce or
splitting up, and people dont work hard at marriage anymore,
and its not right, he should be here.
Thats a loss.

My youngest shouting at me, during a row over nothing to
do with him, He Cheated on us too, me too, its not just
you Mam, You should have told us from day 1.
Thats a loss.

Waking up alone, sleeping alone,
kids all gone for the day, alone,
Thats a loss.

The past, where I no longer know where it started to end,
which bits are true, which bits are lies,
Thats a loss.

The future, the shared joy, the shared sorrows,
the retiring to Spain, the growing old together,
Thats a loss.

The pride I had in my family as a unit, that pulled
together, especially him and me, and the tough
times I thought we went through that made us stronger,
and he thought they weakened us.
Thats a loss.

Mostly, and yeah Im really in morbid poor me mode,
the loss, I feel is me,
I am a loss, I am at a loss, maybe I am even lost.

The most important thing to me in my life, is my family,
my kids, noreen, my mam,dad, sisters, brother,my nieces and
nephews, and all extended family, I have always loved it,
but what me and him had, us,our family, him and me,our children
I see it now, and it is so broken, so hurt, and it is a struggle
to try and put it together, because of the missing piece, or the
piece that no longer fits to complete that picture, the pattern,
the family.

That is the biggest, horribliest, and worst,

Thats the loss.


M

I knew this girl,
We weren't really friends,
I knew her and I knew her family,
one of her sisters I would say I would
have talked to regularly, not sure if she would
classify me as a friend, I like her and I think she
likes me, lets say we are friends then.

Anyway, last week this girl and her friends
where having a few drinks before they went out,
kinda a girlie thing they did, the girl was coming
down the stairs and she fell a few steps, hit her head,
and shortly after that, she died.

She was 41 years old,
and what anyone who knew her friend or otherwise,
would call a character, a gas woman,
the life and soul of everything, and everyone.

Her death is such a shock, and her loss immense
to her family, her young children, her sisters,and
everyone who knew her.

In Ireland we have a tradition, its a house wake,
I think it is a wonderful, painful tradition,
so myself and a friend went around, just to say,
goodbye to her, and to show our respects and thoughts
to her family.

I never ever before, understood about the saying
the life and soul, until I stood beside her, for
she was no more, it was hard to see her there,
I mean her the person, because her life and soul
was truly gone,and it made me see the body is really
just a shell, it is who we are within that people
see, the good person, the fun person, the lively person
and when she was alive she was all of them, and it was
shining from her everyday, any day I saw her, I saw her
light, her soul, her energy.

The places she belonged, the people in her life,
its darker now her light is gone.
I think that is a wonderful testament to the person
she was, I think she would like that.

God bless, Susan and Rest In Peace.

M

I'd like to leave a message,

I wonder is he out there,
could he even read it,
sure I'll give it a go anyway,

Just in case, on the off chance,

Dear God,

Can you Please stop kicking me

Maria

so here I am again,

It has been like a groundhog week for me, I am off sick with a chest infection,
and friday he goes away, only this time, its a whole year later.

Technically its not a whole year since I found out,
that was shortly before the Friday,
but the day he left our family,
as in the kids and me and our home was this Friday
a whole year ago.

Dont get me wrong he didnt walk out, I asked him to go,
but what was I gonna do, leave him sleeping on the couch,
and pretend until the kids were eighteen, No, although
apart from sleeping with me, maybe that was his plan,
because through all of this, I know from things he said,
things he did, and the choices he made, he no longer
loved me, or wanted to be with me,
I was his easy option.

I know he can read this, but as I havent blogged for a long
time maybe he wont, anyway, he is going to be busy with
whore for a week, so he probably wont.

So how am I, truthfully, awful.
Its quite simple, whilst I am working with the kids,
on helping them to adapt, be strong,
grow a new relationship with their dad,
me I find that I am now in the box.

You know the one, the one people stick the
hurt, the pain, the horrible stuff they cant cope
with in, if you dont put it in the box, it just
drags you down each day, and then sometimes you
take it out bit by bit and deal with the issues,
and then sometimes you dont.

You just leave them in there,
and if you are like me, they probably
do harden you as a person, but at least a harden
of the heart, helps the steel in your back and
you get up each day, and go to work, or do your
chores, meet people, smile, talk, live.
Keep going.

So that is where I am at,
today, this morning probably with the
few nights lack of sleep, coughing and spluttering,
I have opened the box a little bit,
I am thinking, how am I, how do I feel,
not about the kids, or the house, or anything else
how do I feel,
the truth,
Shite.

I feel like everything I lived, worked, and fought for
for the last 24 years has been destroyed,
I feel like my family as it should have been as I thought
it was has been destroyed, the unit, the bond, the strength,
its gone, I see it, every day, the big hole in our lives,
in my life.

I miss him so much, but know who I thought he was
is not who is there now,
and I only miss the man that
I thought he was, not the man he is.

I guess also, I am so disappointed, that he gave
me away so easy, so without thought, without compassion,
without anything.
Now Im sure he had thoughts but they were probably about the kids,
Me, as soon as he went back to whore a second time, thats when
he was done with me, and then each time after he built whore
stronger and me, well then he built my faults, his dislike, his
lack of love, and eventually I no longer mattered to him.

Well I am a good mother, you know what the asshole actually told
me that once, that he had spoke to whore about me, and had never
ran me down, he told her I was a good mother, in doing so
he actually repeated what his mother had said about me,
almost 18 years previously when someone asked her what did she
think of me, that was her reply, "well she is a good mother"
He couldnt see what was wrong with that, so maybe 18 years ago,
he was already in that frame of mind.

So, am I really in groundhog day, what has changed,
apart from the physical distance,
the emotional distance is massive,
I can talk to him now, most times,
I dont cry, most times it is about the
kids anyway, I look at him, and to be honest,
its like I dont really know him
he looks different in the eyes, but that could be me in my mind.


So about him how do I feel,

I dont trust him anymore, never will again.
I dont like him anymore, dont know if I will ever again.
I dont love him anymore, never will again.

However he is lucky,

I dont hate him, (whore well she is not so lucky, whore I hate!!)

All he needs to do now, is hang in there with the kids, pay the money,
and keep us in our home. That is the unemotional fact for him.

What do I need to do.

Build a new life which does not include him for me
in other words

Get over him, move on, cop on.

M

While I have mostly resisted the urge to write,
sometimes I will give in. Its hard to silence
me, I dont really do silent!!

Things are ongoing, sure what could be new anyway,
well he is still being nice, and he is trying, and
I am resisting the comment very trying, because that
is mean and probably not true at all, its the
hurt bitch in me.

The kids are also trying, they find it very hard,
in particular the middle girl, but this week it
is the youngest girls birthday, her first without
her dad at home, and she didnt like it, it just
highlights him not being there but it is an adjustment
she will make, she will have to.

If someone asked me what would I advise a person,
who was unhappy with their life, or their lot.
I would ask them to look around, see what they have
rather than what they dont.
Look at their family, their friends, their homes,
and then imagine what it will be like without them,
or imagine what it will be like
for their family without
themselves, and if they would rather have
the what they want, instead of what they have
fair enough, otherwise, dont throw away what you
have already, because sometimes, you get what you
wish for, and sometimes well sometimes you might
thank God for unanswered prayers!

So he contacted me today by text,
told me he was sorry,
I asked him was it reading it in
black and white made him
understand, he said maybe,
he said other stuff too most of it
just sad stuff, sad stuff from me to him,
and him to me,

I would rather he hadnt found this blog,
However he did,
but there are lots of things
I would have rather didnt happen,
those things cant be changed either.

I will have to wait and see how long these
feelings remain with him, whether they are real
or just part of the misery he is in at the moment,
I spent some of today reading back hismidlifemycrisis,
seeing it with eyes that are almost a year on, didnt make
it any easier reading, why did I read it, was it to check
and see if I gave any damaging information away, no, because
I only ever wrote the truth as I saw or felt it. No regrets
about writing it, only that I had too.

Of course I wont be continuing writing this,
that is a given
but as I have most definitely learnt in my life
nothing goes my way really,
so I am not surprised to lose this outlet
either,
not really.
(Definitely a poor me moment)
How will I replace it,
that I dont know, but knowing me,
something will turn up,
I will do something, before this,
I had never even heard of a blog,
so it was meant for me,
and it didnt pass me by,
and I guess it was meant for him
to find out about it,
maybe to help him realise what has
become of us, of me, who knows,
life is so mysterious to me.

Maybe an odd time I will put in a post,
maybe not.
again who knows,
certainly not me.

So for the time being thanks
for the moments,
thanks for the reading and
'Au Revoir'

Maria

Okay, so there has been a disaster for me in relation to my blog,
for some very strange reason, him the ex, Gerry, was searching the
internet for whore, he input her name, and my blog came up, if you
read down the last post, he left comments. I almost passed out when
I read it today, my stomach left its contents and decided to jump
to my throat, not a pleasant feeling I can tell you, so here is where
I am now at.

I am writing this which is nearing my last post,
whilst I am writing it I know that
it may be read by someone who was never suppose to read it,
well maybe not never, but definitely not until I was ready for him to
read it, so I am writing it aware that he is reading it, and its
not the same, its not what I would have written, and I am so sad,
that this has been taken away from me, but I am grateful that
he commented, maybe in anger, maybe in hurt, who knows, but at
least I know that he is reading it, and that is better than not
knowing, I thank him for that,
I guess, because if I had been writing
on and on and he was just reading,
it would have been another betrayal
and there has been enough of that for me.

I had a crappy day anyway,
Mam has been having some very serious senior moments
this last week, and Dad is heartbroken at the turn of events
for him and her, now he is struggling with the dialysis,
the fistula in his arm has not matured
they have been trying to get it going since last week
and it has been horrendous for him,
he is back using the chest line,
and we await a consultants opinion as
to what they are going to do next for him.
Probably another operation, we just dont know.
I am so afraid for him, and for mam, but mostly for him.
I watch him sit there, when he thinks I'm not looking
with his head in his hands despairing for the future,
I know he is worried about everything, about mam,
about me, about the kids, and about him.
My dad probably has them in that order too,
him last. My poor poor da! :-(

I was at my solicitor today, I find it so awful, so distressing,
and now I cant go into it anyway, she tells me, not to be upset
that he referred to me as "your client"
try and just think of it as legal terms,
and that he will be dealing mainly on a solicitor
to solicitor bases, and really we should not get into
discussions about the whys and wherefore
between us, please just let them sort it.
So if you are reading it, lets do that,
its happening,
its not what I wanted, its going to be hard,
just let them sort it.
Please.

Where we are at after that, he tells me he is going to whore valley,
this is not a new comment you have heard me call it that before,
all of you.
Anyway, he is struggling, I know this, I see it, but no I cant help,
because even though he doesnt see it, I am struggling too,
and I know he thinks it is partially my fault,
but I still do not accept that he
had good enough reason to do what he did
and how he did it.

I am finding this post so hard,
I am trying to close it before I was ready to do so,
I am talking to him, when I just wanted to
talk, I am reading, and typing and analyzing and its not natural,
I guess it is my fault because I named whore, but I never expected
him to be looking for whore, must be checking her out. Well you know
what I wouldnt trust the marriage wrecking bitch either.

They are both cheaters, and that is something they both know going
forward into anything, who could live with that. huh.

Yeah, yeah, I know, that one is the bitch in me, hitting out
at him for reading my damn blog in the first place.

So that wont be my last post, I probably have
a few more things to say, maybe tomorrow,
but its not good, its not nice, its not natural.

What a shame, what will I do now?

My poor Noreen, will be worn to a frazzle listening
to me at least blogging got my head on straight,
We spoke tonight, she reckons I should write a book,
funny that, he made a similar however sarcastic comment,
about penguin books
maybe I should give them a call.

Yesterday was a surprising day,
He came to pick up our youngest,
whilst he was here, number one son
was looking for some cash, you know
the mam, Im going out, any chance of a few bob.

Im like do you do this, did you do that,
now he did this, but not that.
So I was dragging it out because I want him
to understand if he doesnt help out here,
he is not going to be handed cash like as my dad used to say,
it doesnt grow on trees, it needs to be earned.

Anyway, it was also difficult for me, because someone in
admin messed up in work, and because it was a bank holiday,
for St Patricks day, the wages did not go in on time,
and it would be monday, before the cash showed in the bank.

We at work were not happy bunnies,
but what can you do, although we moaned,
it wasnt going to change the situtation, so I was telling,
my son, blah blah, anyway, he, the ex,
heard what I was saying, and asked what had happened,
so I told him, It surprised me that I did not want to tell
him, I felt like saying mind your own business,
but what the heck, I told him.

He said I will see if I can bring back some money, for you,
now that was a surprise,
so I said, sure I'll probably be okay, but whatever.

When he was gone, I gave the son a few bob transferring it online into
his account, whilst I was online, it showed up in my account
that my wages had gone in,
it seems my bank does the monday morning banking
on a saturday,
what a great bank, this week.

When he brought number 3 child home,
he handed me some money, that was a real
surprise, to be honest it went deeper than a surprise
it was a shock. I told him the bank had put in the money,
it was okay, and then I had an even bigger shock,
he told me to hold on to the cash anyway,

Holy jasus, that took some absorbing.
It is so odd how, uncomfortable
he seemed to be giving it to me,
and how uncomfortable I was to
accept it. Weird, I cant really explain it,
maybe it was because it was unexpected or maybe
it was because I dont want him to be nice
to me, I dont know, but I took it,
said you dont have to but thanks,
and put it in my emergency fund.
Of course in my mind I spoiled it, by saying to myself,
well he owed me for the shower money, and the
half towards the 21st party, maybe that is my self defense,
or maybe it is Im a bitch,
probably a bit of both.

To cheer this post up, the girls, my sister, nephew and myself,
went to Dublin to see the Tutankhamun exhibition today, and
then we had a walk about town, it was good to just do something,
together.
I love hanging out with the kids and of course with
my sister, earth angel, best bud. I am looking forward to the
summer I think we will do that a lot more as the weather improves.

Today the oldest girl is not going with her dad,
she says she doesnt want to, she saw him st pats day
she had a good time, she is grand, she just doesnt want
to go.
I told her okay, she can stay home, maybe it will help her,
maybe if she is not with him she will miss the going out.

The reply is not good, yeah, and maybe I wont!
This is my softest girl the one who waits to be asked
by her friends to hang out, the one who was always, always,
her daddys girl, still a mammys girl also, but
they were so close, in all the times before and
since the split, she would go anywhere with him.

The stupid story about him maybe moving to Germany
in the next few months that he frightened and upset
her last month, has backfired on him, she is distancing
herself from him, I see her shutting down with him
I am watching this very carefully, but I am going with her on this
because she is in counselling, and she is going to talk
about this at her next meeting.

Stupid man.

Her brother is bailing also,
I cannot make a 21 year old hang out on a saturday afternoon
with his dad, but I do talk to him about it, usually he opens
up late at night, and especially if he has a few jars on him,
He is okay, I think, well he is typically young man about it,
sure shit happens, dad is a gobshite, I'm over it. Relax Im grand.

Stupid man.

The youngest is flipping out that she has to go on her own.
She has bailed a few times in the past by making arrangements
with her mates for cinema trips etc, so I am not having it,
she is going this week, I told her look you will have time
on your own with your dad, it will be fun, just you and him.

She was not impressed, you cant make me go, what are you gonna
do drag me out kicking and screaming, now I know her, she is just
pushing her luck, I say, no but why would you have to be dragged,
you are not going to the dentist, doctor, or even a vet, (she still not
laughing),
He is your dad, he wants to spend time with you, he is trying, you
have to take part in this, it is not only up to him to work at
your relationship, you all have to make an effort, and it will
become natural, normal, it will be okay.

Her answer was, IT WAS OKAY, IT WAS NATURAL, WHY DID HE
HAVE TO CHANGE ALL THAT!?
So I hugged her, told her I know, but thats what happened,
we gotta deal with it. She is going.

Stupid man.

So I have the three different stages of grief in my children,
Hurt, Anger, Acceptance.
For me I have them three all at the same time in my head,
which is why I have good days and bad days,
For my babies, I just want it to get okay for them
I want the acceptance to be more than acceptance,
I want them to recover, to be a new normal.

I just hope Im going about it the right way,
its the fear of them not being okay, I guess
of me not being okay also, I am on a wing and
a prayer most of the time.

I have friends who help, who talk it out with me,
and of course my earth angel, Noreen, who keeps
me going.

I am still at the stage where I wish it had never happened,
not that I would go back to before I found out that my good,
loving husband, was a lying cheating scumbag, (oops there is the anger)
because I would rather be here now, lamenting, than back there
believing in him, in us.
My heart, soul, my head, wishes
he hadnt been the liar, the cheater, and we were where
we were supposed to be, a happy normal family, (there is the hurt now)
but we are not, and things are as they are, and he did what he did
and we are all living with that, including him (there is the acceptance)

Stupid man. (hurt, anger, acceptance, all at the same time)

I have as you probably noticed a few horrible days,
they were also probably self inflicted, maybe I was
a nun in a former life, they were into self flagellation,
Thankfully, I only beat myself up with words and thoughts,
I am certainly not into physical torture, mental is enough.

It really started when my oldest girl was so distressed,
and I got her into school counselling, when I told
him, he didnt see it, not that he didnt believe me,
but he thought they were grand, grand, jesus, that
just riled me, then upset me.

Next then, the other two tell me they dont hear from
him very often during the week, maybe a group text,
or a text the other one gets but a name change, he is
not ringing them much. They say, sure it doesnt matter
Im not bothered, sometimes when he does ring, I dont even
want to talk to him.

See that does not hearten me, I want
my kids to have a dad, they need him, its not for him,
believe me, its for them, the negative affect of losing
their dad, because they think he doesnt care enough, or they
dont matter, will stay with them forever.

It is a great fear I have, I witnessed the destruction
of a good family because the dad walked away and made
a new life for himself minus his kids, and back then
it broke my heart, I am going to fight tooth and nail
to make sure my kids do not suffer that loss.

So every so often I call him, we meet or I tell
him what they are thinking feeling, well I didnt tell
him they sometimes dont want to talk to him, what good
would that do. That might just push him further away
from them, he says he will be here as long as they
need him, or want him, what does he know,
I am forty six years of age,
I still want and need my dad.

Even though I am in what I call a poor me mode,
I as a true bred and buttered paddy,
cannot let the day go by without sending
Happy St Patricks Day greeting to all out there.

Those who are Irish and those who would like to be Irish,
from the amount of people I have met, on my travels through
life I know that there are lots of people who just love
the Irishness of us, our nature, our humour, (especially that)
our optimisim and our adaptability to get on with life.
To take knocks on the chin and come out fighting, or laughing,

Im hoping to kick start my "Orishness" into gear anyday now,
I am just doing a little bit of the wallowing, to be fair,
its being a while, Im probably due a good old wallow anyway.

Usually it doesnt last, life is too complicated and busy for
me to indulge in that for too long. In the meantime,
BEJASUS AND BEGORRAH,
May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back
and May you be in Heaven half an hour
before the devil knows you're dead.

M

I'm in work, at within an hour of starting my shift,
my buddy, eventually looked over at me, and said,
Betty, you have enough troubles of your own to be going
on with, you cannot carry the rest of the world's also.

I knew what he meant, I hadn't mentioned too much about
how I was actually feeling, he just knows me too well.

Then a little later, as Im still in saddo mode, I look
through my inbox messages on my phone, and there is one
there that I always keep but dont always look at.

Here it is,

I saw a little butterfly.
She danced along my lane,
and as she passed me by,
she fluttered out your name.

She said you must not worry,
She is giving you peace of mind,
and as she left she softly spoke,
" life will be just fine".
As I watched her fly away,
a feather floated down,
for a dove had landed on a tree
then glided to the ground,
He said he brings you a message,
from Angels up above.
He sings a little whistle to fill
your heart with love.

He wanted me to remind you, of his
precious little song, and if you
know someone who needs it, then
pass this message along.

You know what that is what I do,
and I guess Im sending it on now too.

My best sister sent that to me,
I dont know which of us is softer,
I do think its her, but I keep it
and in times of poor me, I look at it,
it helps.

I havent blogged for a few days,
Japan's disaster plays on my mind,
I am like that, I see the images on tv,
and in newspapers, and I realise how trivial
and pathetic my problems are.

I know that life works like that,
that my problems are the ones I have to deal with
but any massive disaster or event, has always made me
look at what I have and be glad for it, Its just, now,
I am still fretting about the problems I have,
and seem to be unable to shake the God help them,
how awful thoughts I have for the people in Japan.

I have had a long chat with Gerry, him, the ex, things have
been difficult with the kids, and we needed to clear
the air, well I suppose I needed to clear the air,
he was oblivious. So we talked but I just dont
want to get into the he said, I said, drama.

My head is wrecked, I guess I need to cop on,
I will try, I am back at work tomorrow, maybe
the busy days will cop me on.
I hope so.

Once again, horrible stuff happens in the world.
It brings to reality that things are not as bad for
me and my family as they could be.

My thoughts and prayers go to anyone who has been
affected by the earthquake and tsunami in Japan,
Nature is once again felt at her strongest, most
vicious. The truth is nothing will stand in her
way.

It is scary to watch the images on tv, and listen
and read the reports, May their God help them in whatever
way he can. Every human being feels sorrow and distress
about these events.

I am glad that the trouble at my door do not compare to
what is happening in Japan at the moment.

The difficulty of midweek concerts,
is the next day syndrome.

I was up at six and off to work,
they were up at eight and off to school,
by the time I came home we were all wrecked,
all of us including me were contrary bitches,
I often refer to these tired moods,
as wearing hairy knickers.
Its when everything, every moment
every move just irriates you,
the problem with last night
was three of us had hairy knicker moments
all at the same time.

So we also had screaming banshees out,
all over a hairbrush, that each one of them
needed at the same time, because its the BEST brush
for styling the hair straight in the house.

Of course it ended with floods of tears,
drama and on my end a headache.
Well probably on their end too.

So after the hairs where dried and both straight,
I chatted with both of them, told them they have
to shape up with each other, and accomadate each other,
The son did not escape either, he is doing projects
for college and to be honest even though he doesnt
wear knickers whatever he had on him must have been
hairy also. So I did my usual every so often,
family get on together we need each other rant.

Then we all went to bed, not unhappy with each other,
but probably unhappy with ourselves. Thankfully before
lights out everybody did a waltons moment, you know,
Night John Boy, Night Mary Ellen .....

They were in seventh heaven when they came out those doors
last night, the youngest couldnt even speak she was so hoarse
from screaming, thank god the tickets were too dear for me
to buy one for myself, I'm seriously not able for screaming
teens, and certainly not 20.000 of them all at the one time.

As you can guess, I chickened out of the they
can get the shuttle bus over to meet me, and
myself and my best in the whole wide world
sister hung around near the o2 in a very nice bar,
had a basket of chips, and a coke, and waited for
the concert to finish.

I am glad I did this, I am sure if they were with
a gang of young ones they would be braver, but
I know they were glad to see our faces amongst the
throngs of people when they came out.

Even if they weren't. I know my sister and I
felt happier about waiting for them there, than
worrying about them in town for the evening,
Its the mammy in us I guess.

I missed my friend's gig, for that I am sorry,
but I will arrange to go minus the sprogs some night.
Its the only way I would be comfortable about it.

Since the dry run last night of that I am sure.

Next time its Taylor Swift, I reckon there will be
alot less frenized excitement about that one though...

I got the camera, and she is delighted with it,
I also got the memory card so she can take as many
pictures as she wants.

Poor Justin will probably be blinded by all the teenagers
camera flashes going off in his innocent little face,
actually thats not sarcasm, I have seen his posters
and he is so cute looking,
now I know from when I last told my teenager her dress looked cute on her
and she stormed off and removed it, that to them it is not a compliment,
but to us aul' wans it is.

Last night was preparation day, outfits, hair all getting sorted,
as despite much pleading, they are going to school today, they
finish early every wednesday, so we will have loads of time
to get to town before the doors open. I told them they
had too many sick days already and no way were they missing
school unnecessarily, as you can guess, major pusses for about
five minutes, then they sucked it up, and got back to Justinmania.

As I only bought two tickets, the price of them, unbelievable!!
anyway, I'm leaving them to the door, and picking them up afterward,
yes I am an overprotective mam, they are used to it.

I might let them get the shuttle bus from the O2 back to the station,
I am working on my bravery for that one, we shall see, its going to
be 10.30pm in Dublin town, Im just not sure if Im up it.

I'll let you know.

Yesterday, I had a lazy bitch day,
to be honest I was well ready for it,
and glad that nothing interfered with it.

Today, Im still in slow mode, but have a few things
to do, I am doing the usual chores, slowly, but what the
heck they will be done anyway, eventually.

I am dropping my son to college in about an hour,
because I want to go and pick up a digital camera,
for the oldest girls birthday, it is going to be
an early present, but tomorrow night, one of
their christmas presents has finally arrived.

Well they had it for christmas, it is a concert ticket.
I got them three different concert tickets, this is the concert
they both like this guy. When I bought them I had no idea,
how excited the young female population of the world it seems was
about this guy. The girls are Beiber believers, or as loads of mammys
seem to call them beaver believers. I have a thought as to why they
are called beavers and I not sure it is really a misheard name!!

Justin only has to come on the radio, never mind the tv and they are
whoohooing. He is a twitter fanatic, anyway as the day approaches,
they are in seventh heaven. Its gas to see them so excited.

So anyway, her camera is broke, she wants a new one for her birthday,
and I want to surprise her with it for tomorrow night, so she can get
all of the photos on her own camera and will have them forever!!

Im picking it up today, thanks to argos on line, its a good one,
and Im hoping she likes the colour and type, but I have been
kinda sussing her out, with what about that one questions, so
I think it will be what she wants. I hope so.