Okay, so there has been a disaster for me in relation to my blog,
for some very strange reason, him the ex, Gerry, was searching the
internet for whore, he input her name, and my blog came up, if you
read down the last post, he left comments. I almost passed out when
I read it today, my stomach left its contents and decided to jump
to my throat, not a pleasant feeling I can tell you, so here is where
I am now at.

I am writing this which is nearing my last post,
whilst I am writing it I know that
it may be read by someone who was never suppose to read it,
well maybe not never, but definitely not until I was ready for him to
read it, so I am writing it aware that he is reading it, and its
not the same, its not what I would have written, and I am so sad,
that this has been taken away from me, but I am grateful that
he commented, maybe in anger, maybe in hurt, who knows, but at
least I know that he is reading it, and that is better than not
knowing, I thank him for that,
I guess, because if I had been writing
on and on and he was just reading,
it would have been another betrayal
and there has been enough of that for me.

I had a crappy day anyway,
Mam has been having some very serious senior moments
this last week, and Dad is heartbroken at the turn of events
for him and her, now he is struggling with the dialysis,
the fistula in his arm has not matured
they have been trying to get it going since last week
and it has been horrendous for him,
he is back using the chest line,
and we await a consultants opinion as
to what they are going to do next for him.
Probably another operation, we just dont know.
I am so afraid for him, and for mam, but mostly for him.
I watch him sit there, when he thinks I'm not looking
with his head in his hands despairing for the future,
I know he is worried about everything, about mam,
about me, about the kids, and about him.
My dad probably has them in that order too,
him last. My poor poor da! :-(

I was at my solicitor today, I find it so awful, so distressing,
and now I cant go into it anyway, she tells me, not to be upset
that he referred to me as "your client"
try and just think of it as legal terms,
and that he will be dealing mainly on a solicitor
to solicitor bases, and really we should not get into
discussions about the whys and wherefore
between us, please just let them sort it.
So if you are reading it, lets do that,
its happening,
its not what I wanted, its going to be hard,
just let them sort it.
Please.

Where we are at after that, he tells me he is going to whore valley,
this is not a new comment you have heard me call it that before,
all of you.
Anyway, he is struggling, I know this, I see it, but no I cant help,
because even though he doesnt see it, I am struggling too,
and I know he thinks it is partially my fault,
but I still do not accept that he
had good enough reason to do what he did
and how he did it.

I am finding this post so hard,
I am trying to close it before I was ready to do so,
I am talking to him, when I just wanted to
talk, I am reading, and typing and analyzing and its not natural,
I guess it is my fault because I named whore, but I never expected
him to be looking for whore, must be checking her out. Well you know
what I wouldnt trust the marriage wrecking bitch either.

They are both cheaters, and that is something they both know going
forward into anything, who could live with that. huh.

Yeah, yeah, I know, that one is the bitch in me, hitting out
at him for reading my damn blog in the first place.

So that wont be my last post, I probably have
a few more things to say, maybe tomorrow,
but its not good, its not nice, its not natural.

What a shame, what will I do now?

My poor Noreen, will be worn to a frazzle listening
to me at least blogging got my head on straight,
We spoke tonight, she reckons I should write a book,
funny that, he made a similar however sarcastic comment,
about penguin books
maybe I should give them a call.