So here I am, another year passed,
and as I wished for it passed quickly.

I cannot believe the year has gone,
and how much happened, the sad points,
the glad points.

I miss my mam so much.

People dont know,
for I do not say,
but I miss you mam,
every single day.

Then I have the glad points,
the thank god Im alive points.

My kids, my family,
My dad, my earth angel sister.

The guy I told you about before,
that Im still seeing, who makes me
feel, you know, like a woman,
for myself, not any other reason,
He is a nice guy, we are enjoying
each other, and its nice in so many ways.
So yeah Im very glad to have him too.

Things are still hard, sometimes,
headwreckingly so, but the above things,
are what makes it worthwhile, sure the one thing about
struggle and strife, it makes you aware, you are alive,
nothing boring about my life, thats a fact.

Im hoping 2013 brings a better year,
but whatever it brings, Im glad to be in it,
and to have the people in my life,
in it with me....

So hohohoho, Merry Christmas,
good will to all.

M

Last week, my lovely big boy, graduated from college.
He makes me so proud just by being on this earth,
for he is a good kind, not a saint,
but then neither is his mam or dad.

He was well reared,
and is living up to our hopes
our dreams.

He is a good lad.
My pride, my joy,
my baby boy.....

xx
M

So time ticks on,
life keeps going,
all is okay.

That can sometimes be as good as it gets,
and sometimes okay is good enough.

M

Always, there is drama, crisis,
it folllows me around I think.

Well really that is very selfcentered of me,
because this was not my drama
not my crisis,
I am just on the sidelines watching,
hurting,
wanting to help,
but can do nothing,
can say nothing,
for nothing helps,
it probably never will.

My lovely kind Godson, also my nephew,
lost his childhood sweetheart last thursday.

She had cancer a long time, she won many many battles,
and achieved so much, in such a short space of time,
but she did not win the war,
Cancer cruelly took her from him,
from her family
from us all.

It is another of the unexplainable deaths,
the what good can it do, how can that help,
the why her, that beautiful, kind, good girl.

I cant make sense of it,
no one can.
We just have to get on with it.

My dad who is still heartbroken from the loss of mam,
was so upset, but he still says,
Life is for the Living, Maria, make it all count, keep going,
so I do, so we do,  poor Shane my wonderful nephew,
who is without his love, thats what he is trying to do.

He got a tatoo about six months ago, it says
"God gave us burdens.... and shoulders to carry them"
I guess he is right, he is just carrying a different burden now.

My youngest said, this world needs good people,
God shouldn't have taken her.

I agree.

God Bless you Ciara,
may you Rest In Peace.

M

My best big girl, as I call her,
well she is off to college next week,
she will be living miles away,
in a bedsit, on her own.

Who is more scared, her or me,
yep you guessed it me!!

However,
I get feel good vibes about the whole thing,
I think, I hope, I pray,
this is going to do her the world of good.

Although she is my quiet one,
she is steady and strong,
has her mothers good sense,
(most of the time, for her and me)
She does not get in a flap at the drop of a hat
(not like me there)
in fairness she gets that from her dad,
a good point,
how about that...

She is quiet, she will sit back sometimes,
and whilst that can be good,
on occassions it can be not bad,
but sometimes doing nothing has no benefit.

Im sure that a few weeks out there,
 in the big wide world,
she will come into her own, she will have to,
but I can see it in her, I always have, its there,
the thought, the twinkle, the independence,
the smile, the wit.

When she doesnt have to look
or wait for the go on do it...
the approval, the why dont you do that,
she will take ownership.

I believe,
the best for her
is about to come,
I believe
the best of her
is about to come.

Come on the world,
be good to my best big girl,
she will be good to you.

M

Im still doing good,
sometimes its scary when that happens.
Im kinda waiting for the next drama,
but then maybe Im getting a rest from all that,
in my new lets be positive mood, thats what Im
aiming and hoping for.

M

My best big girl, as I call her, to her face.
(no favouritism, I have a best boy, and best little girl)
Anyway she got great news today.

She passed her leaving cert, and come monday
we will know which college she will be heading to,
and a whole new chapter in her life will open.

I am so proud of my kids, despite all the drama and
heartache, in the past two years they have measured up,
they are my pride and joy, and my reason for keeping going.

I thank the lord for the wonderful gift he gave me, and treasure
them everyday, even when they are brats, which is getting less often!!

So to my big girl, I say onwards and upwards baby
Reach for those stars.

X

M.

So Im doing good,
Ive been going out lately as you know,
I am seeing a guy, he is nice.

It is not serious,
well he is not seeing anyone else,
and doesnt intend to,
I am not seeing anyone else,
and dont intend to.

We like each other, thats probably
the best definition.
We are not in love, in like, we just like.

We are having fun together,
alot of fun!
Its enough for the moment,
and probably exactly what
we both need at this time.

I say, Good, and
that will do for now.

M

So how have things been for me,
Okay I guess,
well, it depends on which question
I am asking about,
My great kids are doing great,
they are getting on really well at the moment.
Thank God!!

My son passed his exams and got his degree,
he is now an official software engineer, (he tells me that
is the most understandable term for it, obviously its a high
fulenting name) which I of course dont get to grips with,
but anyway thats what he can do.

He is working away, and getting ready to move out
into the real world, :-( but then that is what we worked all
these years towards, to make him an independent man,
its just hard to let him go.

My girls are hanging out and doing feck all, which has its
good and bad points, no housework been done, I am nagging them,
constantly, and they are ignoring me constantly, I think its time to
play hardball with them, shake their lazy butts.

Soon my eldest girls results will be out, and we hope she gets
the placement she wants in college, we shall see, fingers
and all crossed for that one. We are filling out all the forms,
red tape is such a pain, but I am getting used to it, it seems to
fill alot of my time these days.

Him the ex, Gerry,
I thought we had made progress with each other,
it came from my misguided belief that he had accepted
that the state and condition of our life,
was because of him.

That he had made these choices
that were bad for us as a family,
bad for me as a wife,
if they are bad for him
well tough titty,
at least he made them


I find that no that is not so,
 it was my doing,
I pushed him out,
and therein lies the demise of
it all, its still my fault,
and he is having a bad time
and it is my fault.


So I say to him,
Fxxk off,
and now again
Im done,
only this time, its not out of pain, or love, or heartbreak.

Its whats the freaking point.
There is no sense of morality or responsibility
in this man, he is whatever he is,
why do I need him to accept responsibility?
what will it change?
what will it make better?
In real and financial terms
nothing,
In emotional and mental terms
everything.

So where does that leave me,
right back where I started?
No.
because Im done,
it matters but I cant change it,
I cannot change him,
or his denial, or his reasoning..

So like my love for him,
for us, its over, move on, get real,
stop looking for the unachieveable,
accept the unacceptable,
reason the unreasonable,
blah blah blah.

By the way, he is a grade A dick,
thats as good as he gets.
Im worth so much more

Forget it  Gerry,
it doesn't matter anymore,

Im done.


M

I have been quiet for the last two weeks,
its because I haven't had time to scratch.

The girls well the youngest came home yesterday,
looking glorious, rested and sunned, not impressed that
her genetic red hair is showing stronger through her natural
colour blonde, she expected the sun to blonde her more,
instead my lovely natural red showed up, I said it looks great,
she was still not enamoured to it.
When her older sister comes home later today, with her
full glorious red head it will calm her. (I hope)
She is just in case, using the blonde shampoo anyway.

The weather here in Ireland is pathetic, I and everyone
I talk to is fed up with it, yesterday was a nice day, warm
enough not to have a jacket on during the day, I even got
the garden done, well the grass mowed...
Today with high hopes I went to put the washing out,
no joy, its raining.
This would be a great country..
if it only had a roof!

I should be gone to pick my oldest girl from
the airport, but her flight has been delayed by french
baggage controllers striking, I mean seriously,
do they not know I havent seen my baby for two whole weeks
and she was in the wilds of Africa I want her home..NOW!!

Mammy moment there.

Chat soon,
M.

It has been a couple of crazy weeks.
My two girls where doing their exams,
and my son finished his and is starting work.

The house was silent because everyone was studying.

Hah, it was like a minefield,
be careful where you walk, how you talk,
how you look, ask questions, dont ask questions.

I dont know who ended up more stressed me or them,
although I think we are on equal par for that one.

Thank God, today is the last day,
and then my two girls are off galivanting,
the oldest her long awaited trip to Zambia,
is on friday, and the youngest is getting a free trip
to Spain, by her aunt.
My son is home very little, b&b would be
an adquate comment, only he doesnt eat breakfast.


Me well I will be home alone!!
Who knows what I will get up to.......

M

Tuesday was my dads' birthday.
He was not in form for it, naturally,
I was working, all my sisters came to visit.

He had a great day, and something happened
that made us know our mam was making sure,
she was part of his day without doubt.

Remember the white rose story, back in feb,
well the bush had started to bud again, but
the small buds that were on it are actually yellow,
and that was how I had remembered that bush
as a yellow one not white.

When I finished work, I went into dad, some
of the family were still there,  of course, Noreen,
my earth angel and her two lads were there, and
another sister, they had waited to go out to the grave
for me.

As I went in Noreen was watching for me, and came out,
she saw my face as I walked up the garden path,
we both smiled with tears in our eyes,
for there on the front of the yellow rose bush
in full bloom again was a single white rose.

Dad was upset and delighted at the same time,
but he is old stock, so he doesnt know what to believe,
Noreen and me, well we are in no doubt, we know,
our mam was taking part in his day, no way would she
miss out anyway.

I take all the comfort and validation I can get in this world
and once again I get to say,

Thanks Mam,
Love you, Miss you always!

Maria

After, actually two days after, my daughter finishes her leaving cert,
she is off to Zambia, with her youth group, nine of them are going to help
in a orphanage for children with special needs, and she was lucky enough
to be one of the chosen few.

She is well deserving of it, and I'm whilst delighted for her to have the chance
to do something wonderful and rewarding, when the time comes for her to go
I will be rattling until she is safe back home.

Part of the trip is funded through the youth organisation, and she had to raise
money herself, we organised some events, and bummed sponsership
from friends and family.

She did great and the money is raised, one of the events was on
last wednesday.  I have mentioned many times in this and hismidlifemycrisis,
about my funny girl friend, now she is funny in that she has amazing wit, funny
that she is kind and loving and yet dark in humour, (bit like meself), she is a 
professional comedian, and like most comedians, has to work hard to get gigs,
and earn her crust.

I remember once she said to me, I dont do charity, I need charity,
(tongue in cheek, and she was kidding me), this was proved last wednesday, because
she, herself organised a comedy gig, and got some of her comedian mates, to come
on board, and we had a great night out, and money was raised, and all is well for
my girl to head to Zambia, for probably hopefully one of the best experiences
of her life.

It is the people we meet, and the things we do for each other,
that define the type of people we are, kindness, goodness,
appreciation and love, make a truly beautiful person,
I am glad to say that my daughter has experienced all of those things
in her young life, and is returning them back to people she meets,
and things she does.

Thank you, my funny girl friend, for your goodness and kindness
to me and my girl, see you soon.

M

My eldest girl had her graduation night last night,
it is an all girls, mainly catholic school, and they had a lovely
service in our local church.

As they have such a large number of pupils,
only parents were invited, and then tea and refreshments
were served in the school later on.

It was a long service, I think the priest was glad to have such a large captive audience,
and was making the most of it!
However it did not drag out, it was so nice, the girls put
alot of effort into the service and it was very personal and touching.

I am so proud of my girl, she is such a lovely girl,
and it was great to see her amongst her friends having fun,
yet being mature about it.

I was working before, so was tight for time,
I got there as the church was almost full,
It did not surprise me however, that I could stand
at the back of the church, and still recognise her father,
by the back of his head, so I went and sat with him.
We were both there for her, and it was fitting that we
sat together.

I was a bit weirded out at first, you know, I wanted to
lean over whisper something or just reach out and hold hands,
like I would have in the past, but that bit was gone now,
so rather than dwell on that  I told myself off,
" you can either suffer the martyr all night, or sit back
enjoy it, and know that you are here for her, and he is here
for her and thats all it is about, Maria" and it worked,
thats what I did, and the truth is
that is probably what he did too.

After that we went for the refreshements but did not stay long
as all the girls were heading to an arranged disco and we were
most definetly not invited.

Another milestone reached, and successfully passed,
What a busy world I live in.

Thank God.

M

This weekend I went to a memorial night for a friend of mine's husband.
He died two years ago in January. My friend and I have spent many times talking,
I have mentioned her sometimes in my blog, this one and hismidlifemycrisis.

When Gerry and me split and my friend and I would sit and chat,
and yeah cry for our own loss, my friend would say to me,
"I am better off than you Maria, at least mine fought tooth and nail,
to stay with me, and when he died, I knew he loved me, and he did
not want to go, I console myself with that, I miss him so much"

Back then I agreed with her,
I thought she was better off too.
When we were at the do the other night,
I saw how good she is doing but how much she still hangs on to what they had,
and how much she still
misses him, (of course she should),
but what I also see is that she is no further on in her grief,
in her life, in her heart.

I on the other hand,
well for the past two years I grieved for what I had lost,
the life I thought I had, and would have, the person I thought he was,
and what we had together.

About a month after mam died, I woke up one morning
and I knew it was time for me to do that, wake up.
I knew that life is so short, so unexpected, so fragile,
that whilst we have to take time to heal, we cannot take
too long, life passes us by, to fast, to soon.
Whilst it is okay to sit for awhile,I cannot stay there
as life will continue past me, without me.

I want to live a full and active life,
I want to be loved and love again,
I want to be important to me,
and important to someone else,
someone who is not of me, my children, my family.
Someone who wants me, who I am good enough for,
who is good enough for me.

I went through the pain, the grief, the loss,
most of it was so goddam awful, the before,
the after, but this is where I am different from my friend,
because where we thought she was better off
than me, because he died, and did not chose to leave their life together,
their family, their past their future, and Gerry did.
I am better off, because my feelings for him changed,
and my heart has almost healed,
it wants to be loved,
and I want to be loved.

When the hurt,grief, humilation, anger, went through me,
what was left was love, and I didnt have that for him anymore,
sometimes I didnt even like him.
Who he had become, the things he said and did.
The decisions he made, that affected me and our kids,
I guess the pedestal broke,
the one that I had for him,
as my good man,
my lover,
my friend,
my soul mate.

I realised that I am worth more than what he gave me,
and worth much more than what he took away, for
it was not eternal love, it was not forever, and because
he didnt die, he chose to love someone else,
I could too,
I have to become me without him.

I told him recently I do not hate him, I dont think I ever
really hated him, I hated some of the crappy stunts he pulled,
still do, but I dont hate him.
I am sad about it but its realisation of what is, sad,
not horrible heartbreaking sad.

I guess that s because I no longer love him,
no longer lament the loss of us,
I think that is a pretty okay place to be with him,
and I want it to be okay for our kids between us.
They are the important ones now.

So our life is now different
we are no more.
I accept it.
and hopefully on my journey forwards
I will love again.

We shall see.

M

I had a great weekend,
I think what best sums it up
was a song that was sang to me
during the weekend.

The hills are alive with the sound of music!

How nice to feel like that.

M

Along with the emotional  changes I have made in my life,
I have also made changes to my apperance,
from the short haired red head, I am now long black hair,
(I am trying to refrain from the my widow look comment lately)

I have also reverted back to my maiden name,
before I did this I spoke with my kids, they had to be
okay with it before I would make such a change.

I am glad that they were, because it was important to me,
I am no longer her Mrs Maria ......, I am me on my own,
Ms Maria ......, I am always going to be their Mam, as he will
always be their Dad, but I am no longer part of him, officially.

It is actually easier to change back than I thought it would be,
because my maiden name is regarded as my actual legal given name.
So I get to be all me.

I have my new passport, driving licence, bank details, payroll,
almost all the utility bills sorted, it just a matter of breaking the
habit of signing the married name, because inside that girl is gone
and now outside she's gone too.


For the best I think.

M

So, how are things going for me,
Okay really, actually okay is probably even too insipid a word for it,
I guess Grand is pretty good.

Im working away, Im getting out, Im living life,
having fun, not too much dramas,
the kids are heads down studying,
most of the time...

I am I suppose living my motto,
carrying on regardless, and it is sitting okay for me.

I think I am opening up to the new me, the out there,
I am me, Maria, not the suffer the martyr poor me
(most times anyway)

It has been two years, the pain, hurt, humilation,
have subsided, survival has passed, and I think the
revivial is on.

I do hope so.

I think it is time, I am worried in case I meet
another Gerry, someone who might take all I have,
and then say it wasnt enough anyway, but then
I have changed, some of what I didnt realise I was
doing wrong has been taken on board, and I know,
what to watch out for, complacency, stupidity, gullibility,
and I know that I need to be careful if I do get into a
new relationship.

I need to be a little more showing with my
feelings, not that I am a cold fish, but I think, because,
I thought that we were together forever, and I was secure
in his feelings for me, I didnt need to show him, that he was secure too,

Maybe it is ego boosting, confidence boosting, or just plain soppy,
but words and deeds are not enough, constant effort,
going out, holding hands, kissing in public (kinda dont like that bit)
these are very important reassurances to the other person,
so I hope I have learned these lessons, and hope I get the
opportunity to use them.

M

We had joy brought to our family on Tuesday,
baby Abigail was born, lets just say very early in the morning.

My sister rang to tell me, so I called her granny,
she says hah thats scary but you are a GREAT aunt,
I said, but that is nothing new, I have always been a
great aunt!!

So she called me a bitch and I left it at that,
its lovely for them, and they will make great grandparents
so welcome to this crazy world and this crazy family Abigail.
Welcome.

Number two child, my eldest daughter, was 18 yesterday,
I find it unbelievable how fast time has gone, and
how much she has grown, if feels like a blink of the eye,
and the time has passed for us.

Wow 18 years, and for me
when I look back it feels a cross between 18 minutes, 18 days,
and then 18 years.
I do of course feel it in my bones,
if not in my brain....

Anyway she had a great party, has found her first real sweetheart,
and is a happy bunny all round.
I'm glad, I hope her year continues, to be a good one.
She is one gorgeous, loving, kind, sensitive young woman.

Of course she gets all that from me!!...
(Almost complete tongue in cheek for that comment)

M

The weekend just gone, was Easter.
It was nice because I was off,
I like to spend special days at home,
it feels like I'm being a good mammy,
not off working, I'm doing what I am suppose
to do, I'm with my family, and even though
I drive them mad sometimes I know
they like it when I am here
on those special days too.

I'm not sure if it is still awkward for them
that he is not here too, I think it is but
maybe that is because it still awkward for me
and I presume it is for them too, but young people
accept things as different quicker, I think, or
maybe I'm presuming that too,
Guess what? I don't know,
Im winging it.

I actually started this post about Easter,
thinking I would be chatting about how
I went out, had a good night, had a laugh.
Missed mam, spent time with my earth angel,
our kids, their mates, dad, all of these things
I did, and then I typed about him and the poor me again,
Sorry,
I'll try better next time.

M

I had another great night out last night,
I went to a party, now the only almost freaked me out
thing about this party, is that I have gone up a decade.

I am now attending 50th parties, up to this year,
they had been either friends 40s or their childrens 21st,
So I am growing old, however, I am glad to say not gracefully.

The music was a blast from the past, I was back in my youth,
I swear that its been a pretty long time since I rocked non stop,
with heavy rock, and AC/DC were always top of my list, to
shake my head too, now, the best bit is since I grew my hair,
it gives such a great feeling to headbang, yes, headbang,
when your hair rocks as much as the rest of you.

I loved it, and ended up having great craic with some
long haired denim clad bikers, no need to be young again,
because the people who were young with me, are much better
fun now we arent trying to impress anyone, or be cool, its nice
to be myself, well maybe a little more relaxed than my normal behaviour.

What the hell, I have learned nothing is for sure, enjoy what is enjoyable,
and do what is doable, live, laugh, hope to love, and embrace the moments!!

That is what I am striving for anyway.

M

Ireland is enjoying beautiful weather,
and with the beautiful weather,
comes a feel good factor.

Yesterday myself and a friend went to lunch,
we were both driving so there was no drinking
other than soft drinks, and I dont like afternoon
drinking anyway, it makes me sleepy.
Must be the forty plus syndrome,
I could do it no problem teens, twentys, thirtys.
Now not a hope!

So we sat in the sunshine, for lunch, and then
cancelled all plans for the afternoon, went for a short walk,
and a long chat, solved ours and the worlds problems,
and had a lovely lovely day.
Was it the sun, that warmed the soul, or the soul
that embraced the sun? bit of both I think.

Anyway,
Please God, both will stay warm for us.


M

I can be a stubborn mule at times,
I do not like defeat,
it does not settle too well with me.

So my latest culinary disaster peed me off,
the banoffee pie, however was off limits to me,
the kids were like nah mam, lets not go there,
bananas are for sandwiches, or snacks anyway.

So I baked an apple pie, two in fact,
one without sugar for dad, and one with plenty
for us.

My mad to get me cooking mate, told me
no matter what flour you use, half the amount
of butter, and you cannot go wrong.

Guess what???

She was right the pies where delicious,
and I am redeemed.

Basic foods for a basic gal.

M

I took a few days off work, 9 in fact,
I think I was in dire need of it.
I have been banjaxed and bewildered for awhile now,
and it has done me the world of good.

I had the usual dramas, fights, and thank goodness delights,
in my nine days, I went out a few nights, especially over this
weekend it being St Patricks day, and Mothers day and a bank holiday
all in the one weekend.

The kids are still not impressed that I am going out more often,
and the son is telling me too be careful out there, and that is funny,
1 because I am always careful, even with drinks on me, and 2 because
thats what I say to him when he goes out, a bit of role reversal I think.
then he says make sure you dont be where I am.
Hah a challenge I think!!

Anyway I'm back to the real world, of all work,
and little play tomorrow, and I am going to stick
with my efforts to get out when I am off and
play with the grown ups.
another challenge lol


M

So my culinary skills are at best, basic!
well basic in the fact that basically Im known for
my lack of culinary skills..

I of course can feed the family,
and rarely burn the dinners now,
its really the lack of concentration towards the pots
I think, like they are on the hob, water is in them,
and Ive turned them down, so why cant they just
simmer nicely and wait until Ive done the two other more interesting jobs,
Im doing at the same time.

I think thats the problem,
lack of interest, now Im not sure if the lack of interest was brought about
by the lack of success, or vice versa, but I think they are going hand in hand
most days now.

Anyways, one of my friends in work, is an excellent cook,
I mean divine, you should see what she can whip up,
and she is always recruiting into the domestic fold.

She has tried with me many times, and mostly I have resisted,
but she must have caught me at a weak moment recently,
because I promised her I would try, and she told me
a simple recipe for banoffee pie.

It simple not much baking and sweet, you'll love it,

Hah.  So I get the ingredients, and get stuck in,
remembering that I had wrote down what she said,
reading it step by step.

Slice the bananas  melt the butter, crunch up the biscuits,
combine together, press into tray, oven for ten minutes,
cover with caramel, place sliced bananas on,  wait a minute,
I combined the bananas with the biscuits and the butter,
what the heck, so I re read it, never noticed
Slice the bananas.  Melt the butter, crunch up the biscuits,
combine the two together, oops,

Anyway, I laughed more when I read it, than I had since
the cousins night out, I am such a numpty, the kids thought
I was losing it, sure it wasnt that funny, and would the pie be ruined,
Of course not, its just in different order, going into the mouth, it
will be all the same to the stomach, ( good recovery huh).

Well two of them ate a bit, the youngest little miss pickey eater,
no way was she trying it, she thinks I should stick to the
basics, she only wants chicken , waffles and beans,
anyway, whats the big deal!!

My friend in work, thought like I did, it was hilarious,
and wondered how did it actually taste, I said nearly edible
but think Ill give experiments a miss for a while,
she wants me to try scones, says I have the basics in hand,
the fruit goes in this mixture!


M

As you have seen,
I have moments of sadness,
maybe it is the blues, but sometimes it is just
that I want to put them down, they are real,
they are me, but I worry about being a constant moan,
misery whatever.

Do not despair for the saddo me,
I have many fun moments, many upbeat moments,
and because of the events that have happened in my life
over the past two years, I also have many sad moments.

I try not to let the sad beat the funny, and know that
I still have a good life, a better life than some, in fact
probably than many, sometimes, I just have a moan,
a whinge, it helps because I get it outside me instead of inside,
you know?

I guess when I spoke about understanding dads' lonliness
it was very close to home, probably apart from losing mam,
the worst part for me, was in the quiet moments, when I felt
down or sad, I just wanted to reach out and hold on to someone
who cared that I was blue, and who was there just for me,
to pat me on my back or shoulder, to hug me, or just
say, its okay I'm here, you are not alone,
but I am,
he is not here, and his choice was for it to be that way,
that is the hardest bit, the lonliest bit, and apart from being
sad for mam, sad for dad, I guess I am back to being a bit
sad for me too.

The difference nowdays is that I am working towards
understanding it, I have accepted it, and coped with it,
and am trying to do the moving on with it, maybe when I
do all that the understanding it will come too.

My next post will be a funny, I promise, because it will
be about my attempt to be a domestic goddess, and how
you should always read the full method of baking a cake,
in case you misread the first paragraph.

M

The time has ticked by as usual,
I cant believe that it is almost the middle of march already.
Our weather has been mild and that is nice.

My dad is doing better physically, emotionally
he is still in pain and distress and missing mam,
as we all are, but for him of course, it is multiplied
a hundredfold, maybe a millionfold.

He is however, hanging in there, being strong,
but so sad, lonliness is a horrible feeling,
I know this, and I see how lonely and horrible
he is feeling, and we all try and gee him up,
and he responds well, but at night he is home,
and she is not, and he misses her and that is when
it hurts the most, that and Fridays, at 6.45 am,
for that is the day and time, mam went from us.

I hope and pray he will get past this,
thankfully he is also a warrior, and he
like me is carrying on regardless,
sure what else can we do.

Enjoy the nice times,
its what makes it all
worthwhile.

M

Last night I had a great night.
A cousins night was organised,
it has been talked about for about 5 years now,
and usually nothing was done about it.

Mam was always slagging one of my cousins who
in particular would always say when there was a family gathering
Yeah we are going to do it, definitely. When mam was in hospital,
and Tommy came to visit, she told him, he was never going to do it,
it would always be next time.

So at mam's funeral, we decided it would happen, and it would happen soon.
Lo and behold, it did, it was last night, and it was the best craic, I have had
in about 2 years, I got home at about 4.45am, and was in great form.

Not everyone of the cousins came, but as I told one of the main cousin night organisers,
those that matter came, and the ones that didnt come dont matter!
That may seem a bit harsh, but the truth is thats how I feel, ye cant be
fretting about why didnt they come, and that they should have,
Enjoy those that are there, they are the important ones.

Anyway, we sang, danced, talked, ate and drank, and most importantly
for me anyway, we laughed, I laughed so much at one stage my face and belly
were sore, the stories from years ago, and from today, were flowing,

So my new years resolution is in fine condition, I am out there,
I am being part of the world, I am having fun, Im living not just alive.
I am very glad to be here.

M

Even more good news from me,
My dad has been in hospital for a couple of weeks,
he has had a blockage in all places, the bile duct!

The difference between him and mam's blockage
is that dads was a large gallstone,
and mams well mams was unbeatable, unmovable cancer.

So we fretted and worried, and kept the jolly side out,
and we were all bricking it, but yesterday evening, they
did a procedure and out it came, and we are all relieved
especially dad.

So he should be home in the next few days
Great! GREAT.

M

The White Rose

Last week my friends and I were talking,
mostly we talked about Rachel and Mam,
and how much we missed them,
and how sad it was that they were gone.

My friends said they have had symbols that Rachel
is still with them, the three of them each got white feathers
in unexpected places, and it touched them and they knew
they were sent from Rachel.

 I said I havent received any signs any symbols,
but that a white feather would not be from my Mam,
it wouldnt have the significance for me about Mam that it had for them
about Rachel.

I also said, that I felt mam was at peace and resting,
and maybe I wouldnt get a sign, maybe mam wasnt into that.

I was wrong.

My mam was a yorkshire lass, and at her funeral,
her sister explained that yorkshires lasses are represented
by the white rose, and she placed a white rose in with mam,
and on her grave.

I thought it was nice, I like roses anyway,
and white ones I find particularly lovely, anyway, yesterday,
my youngest said to me, ' Mam, have you seen nannys garden'
now I walked in and out of there everyday this week of course
I have seen nannys garden, so I said yeah why, she said, no go
and look, I was being a bit of a lazy mare, so I said why,
she insists I get up and look, so I did, and there, in a early spring garden,
on a rose bush, with nothing else growing,
is one single full
beautiful white rose.





Hi mam,
thanks,                    
Love and miss you.

M.

I decided to do two things this weekend,
however, dont get too excited,
I decided against the kissed,
and instead got pissed twice.

I enjoyed myself, had a laugh,
it made a difference, the kids are
not to sure whether they are happy
about it or not, but I have decided
to get my ass back out into the real world.

Lets see how that goes, for me,
I'm off for the next two weekends
so as my forever friend said
Hold on world Im coming!

M

It certainely was an unexpected weekend for me,
definitely out of the ordinary,

I got pissed !
and kissed!,
and I am considering doing one of the two again
this weekend,  I'm just not sure which one!

M

My forever friend is home at the moment,
soon she is coming home for good.

I am disappointed for her that things did not
work out for her in the states, some things are just
not meant to be I guess.
Anyway, we went out and about the other day,
she is a good person with a good heart.
Sometimes it works in tandem with what she is
trying to do, sometimes not.

So we are sitting in the car, and she gives me
a coloured envelope, I know she doesnt think its my birthday
as we are only a day apart in age. (She being the oldest)( love that bit)
I open it and there is a lovely friend card, all butterflies and birds and love hearts
kinda teen, but great, when I opened it there is lovely messages about
our friendship and how good I am (naturally), then at the end
it says happy valentines day, I laughed, I thought it was good,
funny and thoughtful, I gave her a hug and said thanks,
your so good.

She says, no you are, and the card says it all, then the
bit when the heart and the mouth move out of sync,
Anyway she says, I know you wont be getting a valentine
so I wanted you to get one.

You know, that is the truth, Im sure, or at least I wont be
surprised when I dont get one, but fecks sake,
You never know,
 I did not take the good out of it,
and only was miffed for a millisecond, and anyway
now I do have one, its on the side, full show,
somebody loves me!!
:-)

M

The other day Dad and I went to an anniversary mass
for his brother in law,
I went because dad had catharact  removed from his eye
and he is unable to drive for a few weeks,
anyway, my uncle who I never knew had died 44yrs ago.

His family remembered him every day I suppose,
but every year they held a family mass,
it was held in one of the childrens' homes,
I had never gone before, or not that I remember anyway,
but Mam and Dad regularly went, it was hard for dad to go,
I think, but hard for him not too, so we went.

It was very nice, and personal and homily, I liked it alot.
I think its a lovely idea.
Maybe we will try it, (I'll have to get friendly with a priest though)
Seriously, It was lovely.

Anyway, my cousin and I were chatting,
he asked me how was dad doing and how was I
doing, I said the usual standard, you know okay,
its hard sometimes, Dad misses mam so much,
I miss her alot, then he said to me.

You are so lucky, Maria, I have no memories,
I dont remember dad, I wish I could say things about
him, about what I miss, things that I remember,
but I have nothing like that.
He was about five when his dad died,
I told him I was so sorry for him, and he was right,
I was lucky, I had mam for so long, and had such,
good and funny, happy, sad, hilarious, beautiful memories of her,
and those were the parts she left me, left us all.

I hope and pray I can rejoice in them, and count them
for blessings that they are, and be glad of them.


M.

I spoke with my earth angel sister today,
of course it was about the site my friend showed me
yesterday, we had a big discussion, it kinda went like this.

What are you going to do, keep looking at the site,
No I replied, no I'm not, I wish my friend hadnt even shown it to
me, actually I dont know why she did.  Nors agreed with me,
she didnt know why either.

I had been having such a hard day anyway, what with the weekend
my friend passing, Mams months mind, that day, it was obvious
I was struggling, and have been struggling for the whole month.

I told Nors I am going to tell her not to show me anything like that again,
I dont need it, and anyway, its none of my business, we are separated,
he is free, obviously not with whore anymore, so he says anyway.

So it is as I said none of my business, I have no right or need to
keep tabs on him, and I dont want to anymore, yes it still hurts,
but thats just me being a saddo.

How will I move on, if I dont let go.
So no more date site pooching, unless for myself, (not a hope, I dont trust them)
Onwards and maybe upwards.

M

Its a funny life really,
I like songs, I have mentioned this before.

Sometimes, songs make me sad,
sometimes, songs make me happy,
they rarely leave me unaffected,
even if its just a little nice feeling,
and I rarely dont like a song,
any song.

I usually am affected by songs myself,
I dont get my attention drawn to them
by someone else.

Today someone decided that they
would show me something, on the internet,
it was non malicious, but probably non thoughtful
non realistic, definitely non helpful.

It was a used quote from a song,
it mocked me, and now
I will never like it again.

"Its a new day, its a new dawn,
and I'm feeling good".

It fills me with the question,
Why do you look for what you already
had? when you threw what you already had away.

Been there done that!

Look for something new,
I am.

M

The dynamics of the Lords thinking is beyond me.

My mam  is gone from us a month today,
Miss you Mam,
the only thing about mams passing,
was its part of lifes cycle, you are born, you live a full
active life, you get old, you die. (unemotional information there)
I grasped that, I understood, and the fact that mam did those things,
helped me accept her passing.

This weekend, I got to experience the other side, the non explainatory,
the unacceptable parts of Gods great plan.

I have a friend, she has had a hard life,
she twenty years ago lost her 18 month old son after an  operation,
which he was suppose to survive.

She faced that adversety, and continued to live her life,
with a smile on her face and a kind word for everyone.

She married the man she loved, had three children with him,
he was a numpty who did not cherish the love he had,
and almost two years ago their marraige ended.
Although she still loved the bones of him, she made the best of
her situtation, and went around with a smile on her face, and a kind
word for everyone.

Nine months ago she was diagnosed with cancer, she was
determined and positive she would beat this latest challenge,
she was strong, she had so much to live for.

She faced that adversety and continued to live her life,
with a smile on her face and a kind word for everyone.

On Thursday morning at 6.28am,
my friend left this world,
she did not go easy and fought to stay with the family she loved,
but it was not to be for her, for them.

I visited my friend at home on Friday afternoon,
She had a gentle smile on her face,
and the kindness was visible
even though her eyes were closed,
and her spirit was no longer
in her body, it was in the room,
I felt it,
everyone felt it.

For the life of me though,
I cannot understand it,
I find it hard to accept it,
It is not right. It is not fair.

It makes me so sad, it makes me so grateful,
for there but for the grace of God,
goes each of us.

Rest In Peace Rachel.

I went to see a Christina Perri concert at the weekend,
she sings Jar of Hearts, it pulled deeply at my soul that song.

She is not downbeat, or sorrowful,
she is uplifting, positive,vibrant, young of course, and so talented,
if you ever get a chance go and see her,
it will gladden your heart,
and as I am almost an aul wan,
and my friend that was with me is almost an aul wan too,
she must be something special,
she got a standing ovation at the end,
she is something special.


M

Yesterday the house was full of bawling young people,
one because she had to make dinner,
one because her sister wouldnt make her a different dinner,
one because he was studying and they were making noise.

None of these where probably the real reasons but
that is what they were pushing for, so my brain said
shut the f..k up, and be nice to each other.

Then I opened my mouth said,
Listen to each other, stop shouting,
help each other,be nice.

When that didnt work I let my brain talk.

Funny what gets listened to sometimes.

M

Did you know that yesterday was officially
Blue Monday, the most depressing day of
the year.

I do now.

M

So I am back at work.
Carrying on as normal,
and not doing to so hot shit at it.

I am here and I want to be at home,
I want to be there for the kids,
to cook their dinners, to wash their clothes
to drive them nuts.
To be their Mam.

I am here and I want to be with dad,
he is struggling, he is heartbroken,
and he is so lonely, I know all this,
because I see it, and he says it.
Then he says, I dont want to be a burden,
go home, be with your kids, you have your own life.

He feels bad about asking me to be there or
letting me do stuff, because I am the poor me,
the lone parent, the suffer the  martyr.

Yes I am, but I am used to that now,
I am dealing with that a year and nine months
and I know excatly how many days, but I am
not counting them out loud anymore. (Hah)
I want to help I told him, let me help, let me be there.

He just sighs, and puts his head down,

I know how he feels.

So, I am here, I will be here tomorrow,
and please god I will be here every other
day I am supposed to be, and the days will pass,
and the bills will be paid, and life will go on,
and it will be another new normal for us all.

I still miss him, and he chose to leave,
he walked away,
he gave us up.
He didnt care enough.

My Mam I guess,
I will miss forever,
she struggled to stay,
she stayed beyond medical understanding of human endurance.
She wanted to be with us,
She loved so much.

Which is harder to deal with, at the moment Mam.
 Him, maybe always, who knows.

My son was 22 years old the other day,
It was a funny kinda day, because he is the
oh dont embarrass me with a cake or anything kinda of lad (normal that is)

I gave him the dosh,
sure thats what 22 year old lads that are in college want and need.
His godmother did the same, and his grandad with a card that said,
from grandad and thoughts of nanny, it was nice and it was sad.

The two girls got him pressies, sure they wouldnt have cash to give away,
and anyway, its nice to get pressies wrapped up and handed to you too.

I told him I was so proud of him,
he had been wonderful with his nanny,
and kind and strong with his grandad.

He is a good lad, not a saint,
but then who wants a saint anyway?

Also he hadn't wound up his sisters for
the last two weeks, that is a help in the
headache department.

So another year soldiers on,
I can t wait for 2013.

Tomorrow, I go back to work,
Life goes on, that is true, but it is hard,
I am a 47 year old woman, and when I think
of my Mam gone,
I feel like a 7 year old girl.

Dad misses Mam so much,
its heartbreaking to see him sometimes,
but he says to us all,
 life is for the living, you must carry on,
get back to normal, keep going.

Sure what else can we do,
so that is what we are trying to do, all of us,
getting back to normal.
Pretending, and
carrying on.

We went to visit Noreen today,
she has been sick since the funeral, actually she
had been sick before it,
but kept going, she is so strong,
so wonderful, so brave, and like me so sad.
I was so glad to see her looking alot better,
and it put dad and mine minds at ease, and
hers about us,
we are all worry warts together.

Life is so damn strugglesome sometimes,
but we will do what we must and wait for
the easier times,
the joy times.

They just seem so far away right now.

M

On Saturday, 31st December 2011,
we did what we had been trying to do for the last the last few weeks,
and we brought our mam home.

Not the way we wanted to of course, but the way it had to be,
we could not believe how many people came to see our mam,
to see her and to say goodbye to her.

She would have loved the attention, and even in death
although serene, she had the smallest hint of a smile on her face,
it was just right, she looked exactly like her,
and it gave us peace.

We had her at home for two days, because of the bank holiday,
weekend, we had to get special permission for a monday burial,
because Dad has dialysis on a tuesday thankfully it was agreed,
So on monday morning, our Mam took her final journey,
to the church, where we held a beautiful simple ceremony,
and it gladdened our hearts to see so many friends and family there.

Then we brought her to her final resting place, in the grave where
she had buried her baby daughter 44 years ago, and there we left her,
with the birds chirping over her head, and the bright sky above her,
in a country graveyard, were of course she would never be happy,
as she was not with us, but we knew she would be at peace and
content.

God bless you mam, love you always,

Maria.