I am much better, thank goodness.
Better from the head cold, and better from
the head wrecking of last week and him.

Its like I took the 100 steps backwards then,
and today, I am taking the steps forward,
more than than one step,
I think Im probably in and around fourteen or fifteen steps.

Its all about mindset,
I have to give myself a good talking to every so often.
The, this is the way it is talk, sometimes I am driving in the car,
sometimes looking in the mirror talking to myself,
kinda fruity really, as in loopers I guess.
Sometimes I decide I'm going to ignore the logic and the sense
I am telling myself, and go with the stupid actions,
such as last week,
and sometimes the sense does prevail and I don't text,
don't engage in the battle,
like this week.

I'm hoping to continue, because it is for the best, for me,
for the kids, and I suppose for him also,
although as you have no doubt noticed,
he is last on the list.
That too has to be the way it is,
because I have to disassociate myself from him,
and look after us, because that is what he wants, what he has done himself.

I am hoping when the legal separation comes in, it will settle both of us.
I will know what I am getting by law, and will know that every week, I don't have
to hope he has paid, as he will pay, because he has to by law.

Its not about winning, there is no winners in this, its about surviving,
hopefully doing more than just surviving at the end of it, and that
we will all move on, live a better life, without each other, and that
most important of all, our kids will be looked after without battle, bitching,
or moaning, and that they come first,
because they are what makes it all worthwhile,
and if they are okay, then for us all,
life will be okay again.

I have not had time to blog, over the few days,
Sometimes life just has a madness in it, and the
days are so full, I dont get time to pee, never mind write.

I am still struggling with this flipping cold, its all in my head,
and its very annoying, and also exhausting.
Rudolph would not get a look in with me,
I have a hooter on me that would also act as a lighthouse
if I lay on the cliffside.

All has not been great for me, in the him and me saga, either.
I was cleaning out a cupboard the other day, and I found some
documents belonging to him, work stuff etc, anyway, there was some
stuff from his meetings in Germany, the ones that actually existed!!
There is black and white was whore, name, email address, position on committee board, phone numbers from the job.
Remembering that I am in a Better Place where he is
concerned, I of course put it to one side for him to pick up
NAH, I stupidly started a text battle, I knew I shouldn't but
couldnt stop myself, what a numpty.

So I texted him, It is nice to have these details,
he texts don't threaten me, I replied, no threat,
he goes good, at the same time I sent the its a Promise text,
as you can guess, it went downhill from there.

Eventually, after we had vented our bitterness to each other,
I texted forget it, and silence ensued.

Two days later, he had to call to pick up some stuff,
I had put together from the cupboard, needless to say
the relevant documents where not included,
he never asked for them anyway. Truth is I think
I'm wrecking his head, he asked me was I going to haunt
hime forever, whilst that hurt on reflection I suppose that
is how he feels. I told him I had seen a solicitor and was
going ahead with the legal separation, and hopefully it would
be over as quickly as it could be for both of us.

I told him, that finding that stuff in my house had
upset me, and what did he expect, now get this, he says,
I need to realise that I am not the only victim in this situtation,
I said I did, that there was three other victims, our children,
He lost the plot, said I would never cop on that he was a victim
he was suffering too.

I told him he was mistaken, he was not the victim he was the
perpatrator, he did not like that, he was sick of me,
I didn't care, it was obvious I had never cared, otherwise
I wouldnt have got over him so quick, my talk proved what he
had known all along that I never really cared anyway.
Have I used that word in awhile, it definitely applies here
SAP.

He stormed out, and then had his final say in a text,
"I havnt got a shillin r a place to call home.
But I not gonna stand there + listen to u preachin.
See ya. Bye."

So I was wound up again, and distressed and hurt,
and mad as hell, but I just put down the phone,
swore a bit at the poor phone sitting on the table,
then rang my best sister, who also called him a sap,
well actually it was worse than a sap she called him,
but with her help, I resisted the urge to start up
communications with him again, and I am still there,
resisting.
Its soooo hard sometimes.

Im too gobby, thats the problem.
I want him to know how I feel, to acknowledge what he has done,
when I should know he doesnt care how I feel,
he is only bothered about him and his feelings.
I will have to accept again, that it is all about
him for him, and he is not going to acknowledge full
responsibility, and I am going to have to get over that,
and get on with it.
Its just not easy in real time, in
retrospect yeah, but in front of him, he just makes me
sooo mad.

This morning I wake up with a head cold,
Not as bad as a full body cold, or flu,
but earache, headache throat ache,
and a nose thats like a drippy tap,
hardly a sight to behold,
but as I am back in on the day 1 of work roster
I thank the inventors of cold and flu tablets,
these mean, I can present a reasonable face to the outside world.

Strepsils they too are a bonus to the throat,
Im liking the intensive ones,
Im not sure my co workers agree,
they gave me back my voice!

Anyway snotting and blowing aside,
I make it through my working day, come home and face the bad mood son,
he is doing exams at the moment, and
they are quite heavy duty,
Its weird to see him stressed because usually he isnt
he kinda like shrugs everything off,
but this week has taken its toll on him.

He has been up at 6am most mornings and studying late into the night,
I have tried to tell him, ease up for a while,
take some breaks,
but what do I know right!

Imagine he even has an exam on saturday morning,
now I think that is a bit much meslef,
I thought these college days were monday to friday, I think he did too.
He is not impressed as he reckons he should have got the weekend to study.

In my day, hah another getting old mama statement,
anyway in my day it was quoted to me many times,
If you dont know it now, you've left it too late,
guess what,
I didnt go there with sunshine of my life.

I'm making the proper non committal noises, and telling him to hang in there,
I think that pees him off also, but what the heck, I'm keeping him fed and watered
and leaving him to it.

Roll on midterm.

My car was making very funny noises for the last week,
I of course being a woman driver, knew it was the exhaust,
well I knew when it rattled like hell, when stopped at the traffic lights
that all was not well with the underbelly.

I am blaming tesco's car park ramp, it is very high
and my little car, and a boot and back seat full of shopping,
weighing it down, well they had a disagreement.
The ramp won.

I got out of my car, mortified with the noise of it, and stuck my head under
the back, yep there kinda suspended on nothing was the remains of the back pipe,
I got the brother in law to pass his experienced eye under also, and he confirmed
yep its f..ked!

I drove it to a garage he had a look,
said yep it f..ked, and sorry we dont have the part listed.
Go to fastfit, they will sort you out no problem.
I personally think he was up to his tonsils,
and not in form for a damsel in distress senario.

Although, that could be very assumptive of me,
because fastfit didnt have the part either,
and it had to be ordered,
I was so happy when the rattly bit, actually fell off
and the blissful silence of my exhaust meant I could drive for a few days
without mortification, until the part came in.

Where am I going with this,
well I guess I wanted to share my first experience as a single lady of being chatted up.
It was by the nice mechanic, who fitted the exhaust,
and seemed to enjoy my sense of humour,
it was okay, I guess, nice even,
but definitely felt weird, because, I knew he was flirting,
and I was participating, and I appreciated his effort,
because I am now a single woman, and men that are going to be interested,
I'm going to have to consider the yeah or nay thought.

My friend, said, you know he was flirting with you, I think he liked you,
I smiled and said yeah, I noticed,
she asked me how did I feel, I did say a bit weird
but the truth is
I was and still am scared shitless at the thoughts of it...

Im back at work full time tomorrow
I've only done one day since christmas eve,
as I took extra time for the holidays and the birthday celebrations
It is hard to go back,
wish list number two was that I didnt have to work,
that is almost as impossible as wish number one,
which is that the shit that happened last year never happened,
well not that I didnt find out that he was a lying cheating scumbag,
(me being nice of course), but that
he wasnt one, that he was actually the man I thought he was,
but that is really a useless wish,
and Im not one for useless wishes.

In the meantime, I will keep doing the lotto,
and hope for the big win,
but at the same time, keep working,
because somehow life has told me,
I am not a winner.

Now I'm not despairing over that,
I have so many good things in my life.
My three great kids, my dad and mam,
my earth angel sister, and some good friends,
and the ability to knuckle down and get on with it.
So thats what I intend to keep doing,
knuckle down and get on with it.

M

So I thought I would be hip, cool whatever, I went on twitter,
Oh yeah, I opened an account, made a few comments, sooo with it,
My daughter happened by, Jeez Mam, what you doing, I said I just tweeted,
How did you even manage that? was her incredulous reply, then anyway, really
Mam, you are too old for that.

No way I said, its for anyone, I am not too old, have your tea,
by the way, meself and the girls are going out tonight, a few of us
down to the hotel, having a laugh.

Oh right she says, not impressed, whats on?
and right there at that moment, I blew it, yep she is right,
old is me, where was I going, BINGO, BLOODY BINGO.

I think she was still wetting herself laughing when I was going
half an hour later, worst part, I enjoyed it we had the craic.

M

Sunday was my Son's official birthday,
I was going to bring them out for the day,
but the ex, or as I often referred to in his midlife blog
him, he, the ex, wanted to spend the day with them.

I suggested we go to lunch, I thought in my new frame of mind
I was able to sit reasonable with him, and them.
He agreed, I said I would ask the kids, what they thought, I said
I would call him.
Half an hour later he called, said I wouldnt believe what had happened
he had input his bank number four times, and now his card was blocked, he couldnt get any money out.
He was right I didnt believe him.

I figured he was broke, and hadnt the cash, so I said I would
have to think about what to do the next day, the girls did not want
to go out to lunch, the probably didnt want us to be put together
I dunno know, but they didnt want to go.
I said I would let him know what we decided later.

There was no way on this earth, I was paying for dinner for him,
I guess that is the bitch in me, but to hell with it, the party had
cost me over 600 as it was. I decided to do dinner at home and we would
all sit and eat the food was there.

My dad and my sister were not happy about this, I understand why, he had been there on quite a few occassions over the last few weeks, but this was my decision and it seemed the best answer for me, for us.

So I rang him told him and he agreed, he came we ate and it was okay
in the sense that I didnt slag him off, and I didnt even feel upset, I guess I am over him. Good.


He didnt behave very well on leaving, I could tell he was upset, he had sat there for hours with the girls, our son went out with his mates, I just wanted him to hurry up and go, but I let him get the message and go himself.

I had suggested he top up our son's phone online, if his card was blocked
he seemed to get megga pissed at that idea, guess I was right about the cash not been in the bank, anyway, he got thick, said he hadnt the price of a bag of crisps these days and left.

I texted him that he had behaved like a pig, and I would not be inviting him for dinner and putting myself out like that again no way, his reply was he didnt know what I meant, and that he was not well, and I hadnt the manners to ask him was he okay, and it was obvious he was ill, he was worried about himself.
My reply was I had noticed he didnt seem well, but it wasnt my place to be asking him now was it.
Dont't think he liked that either.

My sister was relieved, she is what I call a worry wart, I think she is getting used to the new me, the accepting of the shit me, the non crying me,
That is how it is, and I guess how it will be for a long time, but the good thing is there were no tears from me, no distress,
just thats the way it is.
Me.

Last night was my son's 21st birthday party,
he is not 21 until sunday, but the party night was last
night it was easier, for everyone if it was on the weekend coming
night rather than on sunday when work, college or school was the next day.

We had a great night, it went so well I was delighted, so was he.
The ex came, stayed for the cake and a bit of the music and then went
that was okay with me, probably he would have liked to stay but I think he had
done the rounds and people had ran out of things to say to him,
without an awkward silence
however, what can he expect.

I myself had a good night,
I stayed on the soft drinks, and
drove home, the weather was awful, bucketing it down,
no way was I walking it home, freezing
my butt off and my feet killing me,
it was great to just get in the car and come home.

A gang of my son's friends came back after the party, and
had a bit of a session it was a late night, but they were
good lads and lasses, and noone acted the maggot, and thankfully
noone puked, because once again there was no water in the taps,
as the council are conserving water, It amazes me that
in a country surrounded by water and where it rains too frigging much
we have a water shortage.
Why didnt they shovel the snow into the resevoire until it melted fill the
freaking thing up again. huh
Brainwave, nah.
M

I had a difficult day, followed by a nice day, this week,
Tuesday was the difficult day.
The girls were giving me a hard time,
actually they were giving themselves a hard time,
I didnt know what the heck was going on.

They were arguing with me, with each other,
with their mates. I lost the plot in the end,
and joined them in one of their screaming matches,
they were not impressed, then again neither was I,
I had worked hard to spend time and energy with them,
I had taken extra time off work, and we had done a fair
bit together, I had gone shopping that day, and they both
had new dresses for the party, more I might add than I had,
but they were in megga bitch mode, it was a war zone.

I ended up as mad as hell, laptops were confiscated and
tv 's were turned off, none allowed for the next day, but
whilst they were whinging I was bawling, sometimes the struggle,
seems too hard, to worthless, these moments I know dont last
long but when they come, they hurt to my core.

I realise that the fact their dad was returning from whore valley,
that night had probably affected them and this is true, but my eldest
told me that because I wasnt upset, she thought I was angry about him going there,
I told her I wasnt angry any more I had accepted it, this was a new year,
I was not going to spend another year, distressed and angry, yes I was hurt
but I had accepted it, and I was moving on.
Maybe that had a negative affect on them, maybe because I wasnt upset, distressed,
maybe they realised I was moving on and they didnt like it, it frightened them,
but that is the way it is and they will adapt and accept my changes given time,
and time I am willing to give them.

Their sap of a dad, well he came home that night, Tuesday,
phoned them Wednesday around lunchtime, and told them he would
see them Friday night, he hasnt seen them since the 29th of December,
they are off school, he doesnt work the morning time, and he will see them
Friday night, he is a jerk, and I am not making excuses for him anymore,
if he wants a good relationship with his kids, its time he does the work
without having to be told by me, he is leaving it too long to see them.

Then Wednesday, yesterday, My earth angel came,
my best sister, and she preened and pampered the heads off us,
ready for the party, she is a qualified hairdresser,
and so up to date,
so now the mood has dispelled and we are looking forward to the 21st party,
I am secretly praying lots come, there is no hassle and we have
a good night.
I think we will.

M

We are home, the house remained intact under my son's care,
thank goodness, I had a nice time down there, my sister is
so kind and caring, and also great gas.

We did go out on new years eve but came home before 12,
I was glad, I wanted to be with the girls as the new year rang in,
and I was, I kinda felt bad for my brother in law, because he must have
been bored to tears, not now that I am boring, its just normally he would have
had my ex to hang with, they were pretty good mates, and I'm sure our outings,
must highlight it for him also, he only gets to listen to my sister and me wither on.
Poor him, but he is hanging in there, so far anyway.

Friday coming should be a good night, it is my son's 21st, and I am hanging
between dreading it and delighted to be doing it, I think my son is borderline
with both of those emotions also.

I'm just hoping all goes well, and everybody is on best behaviour, especially
regarding the ex, as none of my family have really have seen him since our surprise
split, so it will be difficult for us all, but you know what we are adults, and
as shitty as the last eight months have been, Friday night is about our son,
and that has to remain the focus, and other opinions and emotions
have to be put to one side, and we just have to get on with it,
for our son,

hopefully it will be grand.