Sometimes, I find it hard to decide what type of luck I have,
am I lucky or unlucky.
There has been events in my life that are
glass half full, or glass half empty moments.

You probably have these moments yourself,
I just seem to get lots of them,
and I do mean lots!

The latest was a few days ago,
I had to have a scope down into my
as I like to call them inners.

Anyway, as I was going to be out of it,
I needed a lift home, so of course my earth angel sister
was there for me.
I swear she is the best human being I have
ever met, and I thank God that she is my sister,
my friend, my strength.

So, we are driving to the hospital, and we were just there,
I thought I could smell burning,
'whats that smell', I says, 'its
like something is burning'?
Now my sis has severe sinusitis, and
was not impressed with the question.
"Fecks sake, I can't smell anything,
I wish people would stop saying they smell something in this car",
(not very angelic, that bit).

So I was good (for once) and said nothing,
we came to a corner, and she went to turn, suddenly there was smoke
everywhere, the car was billowing smoke,
we jumped out and she flagged down
a passing car.

He was a really helpful taxi driver!, he popped the bonnet, and was ready with
his fire extinguisher, but the fire died, and it was just smoke,
the gearbox had burnt out, so between us we pushed it to the side, and then
we had to sort out what to do next.

I was only a few minutes walk from the hospital,
so I had to leave her
my appointment was ten minutes away,
I felt so bad leaving, she felt so bad staying,
the car had to be looked after, and so did I,
so in I went and out she stayed.

She got to come in after she spoke to the insurance company, and
they were going to send a recovery truck out, she would have to go
with it, or she would not get it home that day, so she stayed with me
until the truck came and by then we had sorted my friend out to come pick
me up later after the procedure, so it all worked out in the end.
(it was much more dramatic than it reads by the way)

Hence, the half full half empty, lucky unlucky, question.

1a lucky we had just reached the hospital when the car went on fire
1b unlucky the car went on fire.
2a lucky the car had breakdown recovery
2b unlucky she had to go with the car
3a lucky my friend was on a day off and could pick me up
3b unlucky my stomach is giving me enough jif, to have to be scoped.

So do I breathe a sigh of relief, that worse doesnt happen,
or do I inhale a sharp breath that things do happen.

The truth, I want to be positive and go with the half full,
lucky it wasnt worse idea,
but sometimes,
I am sick of the half empty moments,
which I really could do without.

The end of this is even after writing it down, I'm no wiser,
So between the sigh of relief, and the intake of breath.

I am just going to keep breathing,
and carry on regardless...

M

The Butterfly Tree

In my family for many years now,
Butterflies have had a special meaning.

I myself have always loved butterflies,
even as a smallie, but when my father in law died,
ten years ago, the significance was for all of us.

We were in the church, and it was almost the end of his funeral service,
the part when the priest blesses the coffin, there was a family wreath on
the top of his coffin, and when the priest blessed it a butterfly rose up
out of the wreath flew around the coffin and then out onto the altar.

It was for us a very special moment, there were many meanings we took from it,
but we knew that he was happy, he was at peace, and it was comforting.
My kids always took it that the butterfly came from Holy Gods' garden,
sent by their grandad, to look after us, you know what that description settled
well with us.

Ever since that day, butterflies have been with us, maybe people will snort and
say, coincidence, that doesnt matter to us, in our hearts it felt good.

I remember the first day I went back to work after Gerry and I split,
I walked through the carpark, and five butterflies came around me, it
brought me to tears, but I said out loud, thank you!
(really Im so soppy sometimes)
I did feel like they were there for me,
and all through that summer they were
about me, and often when I was at my saddest,
one would just appear and I didnt
feel so alone at that moment.

When one of the lads said, those butterflies
are weird why are they hanging around,
and the maintenance guy said, ah yeah there
is a nest of them in the gantry wall thats why,
I said nothing, it didnt change
my opinion they were there for me.

When I redid my room up, you've read that saga,
anyway, I moved the bed and it left me with an
overhead panel that was blank, and nothing I had
seemed to look right in it, so I often looked in
DIY or knick knack shops for something.

Last month I saw a shop I hadnt been in, so I
just love a browse and in I went, and there hanging
on the wall in front of me, there it was my panel filler,
my significance,
My Butterfly Tree.

It is made from copper, I think!
Its a tree and in that tree,
I saw three butterflies,
2 red and one green.
My two girls, and one boy.

I felt it was right, but when I looked at the price,
I was like no way, it was too dear, so I walked out.

I came home and was telling the kids, they were like,
Mam, buy it, go on.
I am too cautious about spending on stuff like
that, so I resisted, but that tree called me for a month,
then yesterday I was out and I passed the shop again.

So I went in, and looked at my tree, and it was marked down,
now, suitable, beautiful and a bargain,
that I cannot resist, to be honest
I dont think I was gonna come out of that shop
without my tree,
So I bought it, when I was paying the girl said,
oh yeah the four butterflies,
I said no three, she smiled said look again, there
is a special butterfly, same colour as the leaves, its there,

I looked where she pointed at,
there it was my fourth butterfly,
My full family,
two red, one green, one bronzy gold.
My daughters, my son and me.

Thanks for sending it to me.

M

Things are as Im known for saying
Grand!,
life is back settled into routine
again.

Kids are schooling,
Im working, we are busy bees,
Im trying to get them to commit to
what they want for christmas, so I can
do my usual, shop around, save like mad stint.

The lack of interest in it all doesnt really surprise me,
Santa's magic isnt about us anymore, they are in the teen
what about money, mode, and Im not having that, I hate
giving money, I dont mind a few bob, but it should not be
the main present, I want something they can have for some time,
even if its a new phone, so,
they are thinking about it.

Im sure they will come up with something!!!


M

So he has been home a few days,
the kids are still hurting,
I dont know how or when that will change.

I just wish it would, unfortunately, I can do
absolutely nothing about it, and its hard to accept
that, but that is how it is.

Its up to him really, and them of course,
they have to come to terms with the way it is,
I just wish it was easier for them,
I wish he made it easier for them,
I have alot of wishes, most of them relate to him,
and most of them are foolish and unrealistic.
Oh yeah and unatainable.

The thing about me, is that logic,
internal or external, either guides
or blocks my choices in life,
and the logic in me, knows,
the shit hit the fan,
the blowout from the fan was massive,
and the fecking fan is still on.

M

So its his birthday today,
do I want to wish him happy birthday,
No.
Why
Well of course there is the obvious reason
the standard, lying cheating ba.tard reason,
and then there is the reason,

My youngest went to town last weekend,
she came home and said to me, Mam,
I bought dad a present for his birthday,
she showed it to me, and I told her it was
a great pressie, he would love it, and
he would know she really thought about
what he liked to buy him that.

It was a big step for her, she had been
so mad at him for a long time now,
I was so happy to see her do this,
I gave her a big hug, told her she was
a great girl, and asked her when was she
going to give it to him, she said
Eh, on his birthday, in that
for gods sake mam,
when do you think tone,
that teens perfect at fourteen!!

She said she might maybe get the other two to spend that day
with him, it had been a long time so maybe because it was his
birthday they would do that and see how it goes.

My eldest girl said she would think about it to her,
but to me she said, I will go, but I bet he wont even be here
remember last year?
Oh shit, I do, he went to whore for his birthday,
it caused major upset with the kids, they were so hurt,
I remember telling him it was a mistake for him to go then,
and he told me I was wrong they would be grand,
I remember
that he was wrong.

Anyway, I asked her would she check with him,
she was not impressed
I said if you dont want to you can say no,
and then I will, but we dont really have contact with each other anymore,
I would prefer it
if you asked, she was not keen but said,
I will.

The next day, my youngest was still making plans,
about the maybe we will spend the day,
but the maybe was not as big a maybe,
so I asked the eldest did you text him, she said no,
I said please, she felt pressured I knew this, I felt
bad putting her in that position and should have texted him,
but I was trying not to,
also I knew he would take it as me stirring.

Anyway she told me she texted,
will you be here the weekend
and he didnt reply, I said he will.
He did four hours later, he replied,
No, Im not around.
oh shit again!!

When we were at dinner, the youngest mentioned it,
so I said, he wont be here, Im so sorry
so she texted him
when are you going to germany
and when will you be back
he replied thursday to monday,
it was tuesday, so he was going in two days,
and hadnt told them til now,
the sap,
she flipped,
thats it, that is it, he blew his last chance,
the pressie is going back, F..k him,
I told her not to curse, and calm down
and blah blah blah, she told me,
but he knew last year,
he knew how hurt we were
you told him,
and he went again, he went again,
why does he do that?

How do you explain to someone you love,
that their dad is putting himself first,
above everyone
how do you tell them
that the most important person
in his life is him,
and he is so wrapped up in himself
that he is all that matters,
how do you say that
without breaking their hearts
more than he is already breaking them.

So I told her,
well its his birthday,
he will be wanting
his birthday ride!!

Mam, they said together,
Mam, thats gross,
Yep I said, gross.
The conversation was over,
the dinner was binned,
the pressie, I havent seen it since,
and the damage is done.

Im hoping she gives him the pressie
when he comes home,
but its a faint hope,
when he reads this as he does
Im hoping he will cop on,
but its a no hope,

So do I wish him happy birthday
No.


M

Today was a sad day for my family,

We said goodbye to our aunt, my dads sister
Lily,

Lily was a beautiful person, she was 85 years young and
she was as the priest
called her a child of the Light.

I remember visiting Lily as a young child myself,
Many many times my dad and mam brought us to the home
Lily lived in, it was strange when I look back now, but then
well then it just seemed normal.

We used to bring her dolls and bangles and necklaces, and
handbags, she liked handbags
she loved cups, for she loved her tea.

My most pressing memory of Lily was how she used to sing to us
she sang two songs,
one for her and one for us,

'Lily the Pink, and, How much is that doggie in the window?'
I have never heard those songs without thinking of Lily and always
the thought brought a smile and a nice feeling to my mind and heart.

My fourteen year old daughter told me today, that those songs
have exactly the same affect on her, so did my sisters,
my dad, mam and everyone
who knew and loved Lily.

Today at the end of her simply beautiful service,
the friends Lily had made in her long life in the community care home
broke into song,
that song was,
how much is that doggie in the window,
and we all smiled
and sang with them,
and my dad stood up and smiled and waved, and cried,
and we all had tears in our eyes and smiles in our hearts
as we said goodbye
to Lily the Pink.

May she rest, as she lived,
A happy peaceful Soul,
God bless you Lily.
Night Night.