I spoke with my earth angel sister today,
of course it was about the site my friend showed me
yesterday, we had a big discussion, it kinda went like this.

What are you going to do, keep looking at the site,
No I replied, no I'm not, I wish my friend hadnt even shown it to
me, actually I dont know why she did.  Nors agreed with me,
she didnt know why either.

I had been having such a hard day anyway, what with the weekend
my friend passing, Mams months mind, that day, it was obvious
I was struggling, and have been struggling for the whole month.

I told Nors I am going to tell her not to show me anything like that again,
I dont need it, and anyway, its none of my business, we are separated,
he is free, obviously not with whore anymore, so he says anyway.

So it is as I said none of my business, I have no right or need to
keep tabs on him, and I dont want to anymore, yes it still hurts,
but thats just me being a saddo.

How will I move on, if I dont let go.
So no more date site pooching, unless for myself, (not a hope, I dont trust them)
Onwards and maybe upwards.

M

Its a funny life really,
I like songs, I have mentioned this before.

Sometimes, songs make me sad,
sometimes, songs make me happy,
they rarely leave me unaffected,
even if its just a little nice feeling,
and I rarely dont like a song,
any song.

I usually am affected by songs myself,
I dont get my attention drawn to them
by someone else.

Today someone decided that they
would show me something, on the internet,
it was non malicious, but probably non thoughtful
non realistic, definitely non helpful.

It was a used quote from a song,
it mocked me, and now
I will never like it again.

"Its a new day, its a new dawn,
and I'm feeling good".

It fills me with the question,
Why do you look for what you already
had? when you threw what you already had away.

Been there done that!

Look for something new,
I am.

M

The dynamics of the Lords thinking is beyond me.

My mam  is gone from us a month today,
Miss you Mam,
the only thing about mams passing,
was its part of lifes cycle, you are born, you live a full
active life, you get old, you die. (unemotional information there)
I grasped that, I understood, and the fact that mam did those things,
helped me accept her passing.

This weekend, I got to experience the other side, the non explainatory,
the unacceptable parts of Gods great plan.

I have a friend, she has had a hard life,
she twenty years ago lost her 18 month old son after an  operation,
which he was suppose to survive.

She faced that adversety, and continued to live her life,
with a smile on her face and a kind word for everyone.

She married the man she loved, had three children with him,
he was a numpty who did not cherish the love he had,
and almost two years ago their marraige ended.
Although she still loved the bones of him, she made the best of
her situtation, and went around with a smile on her face, and a kind
word for everyone.

Nine months ago she was diagnosed with cancer, she was
determined and positive she would beat this latest challenge,
she was strong, she had so much to live for.

She faced that adversety and continued to live her life,
with a smile on her face and a kind word for everyone.

On Thursday morning at 6.28am,
my friend left this world,
she did not go easy and fought to stay with the family she loved,
but it was not to be for her, for them.

I visited my friend at home on Friday afternoon,
She had a gentle smile on her face,
and the kindness was visible
even though her eyes were closed,
and her spirit was no longer
in her body, it was in the room,
I felt it,
everyone felt it.

For the life of me though,
I cannot understand it,
I find it hard to accept it,
It is not right. It is not fair.

It makes me so sad, it makes me so grateful,
for there but for the grace of God,
goes each of us.

Rest In Peace Rachel.

I went to see a Christina Perri concert at the weekend,
she sings Jar of Hearts, it pulled deeply at my soul that song.

She is not downbeat, or sorrowful,
she is uplifting, positive,vibrant, young of course, and so talented,
if you ever get a chance go and see her,
it will gladden your heart,
and as I am almost an aul wan,
and my friend that was with me is almost an aul wan too,
she must be something special,
she got a standing ovation at the end,
she is something special.


M

Yesterday the house was full of bawling young people,
one because she had to make dinner,
one because her sister wouldnt make her a different dinner,
one because he was studying and they were making noise.

None of these where probably the real reasons but
that is what they were pushing for, so my brain said
shut the f..k up, and be nice to each other.

Then I opened my mouth said,
Listen to each other, stop shouting,
help each other,be nice.

When that didnt work I let my brain talk.

Funny what gets listened to sometimes.

M

Did you know that yesterday was officially
Blue Monday, the most depressing day of
the year.

I do now.

M

So I am back at work.
Carrying on as normal,
and not doing to so hot shit at it.

I am here and I want to be at home,
I want to be there for the kids,
to cook their dinners, to wash their clothes
to drive them nuts.
To be their Mam.

I am here and I want to be with dad,
he is struggling, he is heartbroken,
and he is so lonely, I know all this,
because I see it, and he says it.
Then he says, I dont want to be a burden,
go home, be with your kids, you have your own life.

He feels bad about asking me to be there or
letting me do stuff, because I am the poor me,
the lone parent, the suffer the  martyr.

Yes I am, but I am used to that now,
I am dealing with that a year and nine months
and I know excatly how many days, but I am
not counting them out loud anymore. (Hah)
I want to help I told him, let me help, let me be there.

He just sighs, and puts his head down,

I know how he feels.

So, I am here, I will be here tomorrow,
and please god I will be here every other
day I am supposed to be, and the days will pass,
and the bills will be paid, and life will go on,
and it will be another new normal for us all.

I still miss him, and he chose to leave,
he walked away,
he gave us up.
He didnt care enough.

My Mam I guess,
I will miss forever,
she struggled to stay,
she stayed beyond medical understanding of human endurance.
She wanted to be with us,
She loved so much.

Which is harder to deal with, at the moment Mam.
 Him, maybe always, who knows.

My son was 22 years old the other day,
It was a funny kinda day, because he is the
oh dont embarrass me with a cake or anything kinda of lad (normal that is)

I gave him the dosh,
sure thats what 22 year old lads that are in college want and need.
His godmother did the same, and his grandad with a card that said,
from grandad and thoughts of nanny, it was nice and it was sad.

The two girls got him pressies, sure they wouldnt have cash to give away,
and anyway, its nice to get pressies wrapped up and handed to you too.

I told him I was so proud of him,
he had been wonderful with his nanny,
and kind and strong with his grandad.

He is a good lad, not a saint,
but then who wants a saint anyway?

Also he hadn't wound up his sisters for
the last two weeks, that is a help in the
headache department.

So another year soldiers on,
I can t wait for 2013.

Tomorrow, I go back to work,
Life goes on, that is true, but it is hard,
I am a 47 year old woman, and when I think
of my Mam gone,
I feel like a 7 year old girl.

Dad misses Mam so much,
its heartbreaking to see him sometimes,
but he says to us all,
 life is for the living, you must carry on,
get back to normal, keep going.

Sure what else can we do,
so that is what we are trying to do, all of us,
getting back to normal.
Pretending, and
carrying on.

We went to visit Noreen today,
she has been sick since the funeral, actually she
had been sick before it,
but kept going, she is so strong,
so wonderful, so brave, and like me so sad.
I was so glad to see her looking alot better,
and it put dad and mine minds at ease, and
hers about us,
we are all worry warts together.

Life is so damn strugglesome sometimes,
but we will do what we must and wait for
the easier times,
the joy times.

They just seem so far away right now.

M

On Saturday, 31st December 2011,
we did what we had been trying to do for the last the last few weeks,
and we brought our mam home.

Not the way we wanted to of course, but the way it had to be,
we could not believe how many people came to see our mam,
to see her and to say goodbye to her.

She would have loved the attention, and even in death
although serene, she had the smallest hint of a smile on her face,
it was just right, she looked exactly like her,
and it gave us peace.

We had her at home for two days, because of the bank holiday,
weekend, we had to get special permission for a monday burial,
because Dad has dialysis on a tuesday thankfully it was agreed,
So on monday morning, our Mam took her final journey,
to the church, where we held a beautiful simple ceremony,
and it gladdened our hearts to see so many friends and family there.

Then we brought her to her final resting place, in the grave where
she had buried her baby daughter 44 years ago, and there we left her,
with the birds chirping over her head, and the bright sky above her,
in a country graveyard, were of course she would never be happy,
as she was not with us, but we knew she would be at peace and
content.

God bless you mam, love you always,

Maria.