How depressing was that last post,
sorry!!
Dont get me wrong,
as awful as I feel, and I do feel awful,
I do feel sad, I guess I am lamenting, grieving,
I'm not sure what the hell I am doing, but
I know that a new life will build,
I dont know what, how or even when,
but I am a surviver, really, I think
I am a struggler, and I will keep going
and life will change for me, and definitely
for my kids.
The young recover, yes it changes them,
but deep down, they had a lovely childhood,
a strong foundation,
we both did that,
and when they get over the hurt,
they will still have that foundation,
I think, young people are built
in a way, that they recover from hurt, and adapt
and accept change, its their survival instinct.
Thank God.
I do however hope they learn from it, I wish I had
had my eyes wide open before.
For the future
I know, never to become complacent with trust, ever,
does that make me harder, paranoid, maybe,
but guess what, it doesnt make me stupid,
or a fool, been there done that.
You live and learn, and I learnt the
hard way, so I wont be forgetting that lesson, ever.
Anyway, I shall live like my new motto,
Carry on regardless.
Its all I can do, that and hope for happiness
in my life, in my childrens lives, and
in MY new familys life.
M.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
A friend asked me the other day,
How are you doing, Maria?
I said I was fine, you know okay.
She said do you feel like talking,
now anyone who knows me, really,
I always feel like talking, probably
one of my virtures and vices wrapped up together.
So we talked a little while, I told her my woes,
Ive had a few lately, haha.
She asked me, whats the worse for you,
Is it the lies, or the loneliness,
I did one of my think about it for a moment
and answered as best I could,
Its the loss, I said, thats the worse.
The loss, of the life I had, the love I had,
the trust I had, in fact everything I had, or
really everything I thought I had.
Thats a loss.
The sitting in a hospital waiting room alone,
knowing that he should be there, being my strength,
my support, and he is not, and frigging Michael Jackson,
singing you are not alone in my head, and my eyes, know
as I look around, yes I am.
Thats a loss.
Now I have my beautiful sister
who wanted to drag her sick ass up to be with me, but I said
no, and it was the right thing to do, because it shouldnt have
been her, it should have been him, and the next time I see him,
he didnt even ask, but then why should he, he doesnt care anyway.
Thats a loss.
The kids playing up, and I cant call him to bitch at them,
to say they are brats, or Im worried about the youngest,
when its not about how they are feeling towards him,
Thats a loss.
My mam and her senior moments, and she misses him, and
she thought he was great, and she cant believe he did
that, sure he loved us, her.
Thats a loss.
My dad and his illness, and his right to have his say,
moments, when he says he doesnt believe in divorce or
splitting up, and people dont work hard at marriage anymore,
and its not right, he should be here.
Thats a loss.
My youngest shouting at me, during a row over nothing to
do with him, He Cheated on us too, me too, its not just
you Mam, You should have told us from day 1.
Thats a loss.
Waking up alone, sleeping alone,
kids all gone for the day, alone,
Thats a loss.
The past, where I no longer know where it started to end,
which bits are true, which bits are lies,
Thats a loss.
The future, the shared joy, the shared sorrows,
the retiring to Spain, the growing old together,
Thats a loss.
The pride I had in my family as a unit, that pulled
together, especially him and me, and the tough
times I thought we went through that made us stronger,
and he thought they weakened us.
Thats a loss.
Mostly, and yeah Im really in morbid poor me mode,
the loss, I feel is me,
I am a loss, I am at a loss, maybe I am even lost.
The most important thing to me in my life, is my family,
my kids, noreen, my mam,dad, sisters, brother,my nieces and
nephews, and all extended family, I have always loved it,
but what me and him had, us,our family, him and me,our children
I see it now, and it is so broken, so hurt, and it is a struggle
to try and put it together, because of the missing piece, or the
piece that no longer fits to complete that picture, the pattern,
the family.
That is the biggest, horribliest, and worst,
Thats the loss.
M
How are you doing, Maria?
I said I was fine, you know okay.
She said do you feel like talking,
now anyone who knows me, really,
I always feel like talking, probably
one of my virtures and vices wrapped up together.
So we talked a little while, I told her my woes,
Ive had a few lately, haha.
She asked me, whats the worse for you,
Is it the lies, or the loneliness,
I did one of my think about it for a moment
and answered as best I could,
Its the loss, I said, thats the worse.
The loss, of the life I had, the love I had,
the trust I had, in fact everything I had, or
really everything I thought I had.
Thats a loss.
The sitting in a hospital waiting room alone,
knowing that he should be there, being my strength,
my support, and he is not, and frigging Michael Jackson,
singing you are not alone in my head, and my eyes, know
as I look around, yes I am.
Thats a loss.
Now I have my beautiful sister
who wanted to drag her sick ass up to be with me, but I said
no, and it was the right thing to do, because it shouldnt have
been her, it should have been him, and the next time I see him,
he didnt even ask, but then why should he, he doesnt care anyway.
Thats a loss.
The kids playing up, and I cant call him to bitch at them,
to say they are brats, or Im worried about the youngest,
when its not about how they are feeling towards him,
Thats a loss.
My mam and her senior moments, and she misses him, and
she thought he was great, and she cant believe he did
that, sure he loved us, her.
Thats a loss.
My dad and his illness, and his right to have his say,
moments, when he says he doesnt believe in divorce or
splitting up, and people dont work hard at marriage anymore,
and its not right, he should be here.
Thats a loss.
My youngest shouting at me, during a row over nothing to
do with him, He Cheated on us too, me too, its not just
you Mam, You should have told us from day 1.
Thats a loss.
Waking up alone, sleeping alone,
kids all gone for the day, alone,
Thats a loss.
The past, where I no longer know where it started to end,
which bits are true, which bits are lies,
Thats a loss.
The future, the shared joy, the shared sorrows,
the retiring to Spain, the growing old together,
Thats a loss.
The pride I had in my family as a unit, that pulled
together, especially him and me, and the tough
times I thought we went through that made us stronger,
and he thought they weakened us.
Thats a loss.
Mostly, and yeah Im really in morbid poor me mode,
the loss, I feel is me,
I am a loss, I am at a loss, maybe I am even lost.
The most important thing to me in my life, is my family,
my kids, noreen, my mam,dad, sisters, brother,my nieces and
nephews, and all extended family, I have always loved it,
but what me and him had, us,our family, him and me,our children
I see it now, and it is so broken, so hurt, and it is a struggle
to try and put it together, because of the missing piece, or the
piece that no longer fits to complete that picture, the pattern,
the family.
That is the biggest, horribliest, and worst,
Thats the loss.
M
Saturday, May 14, 2011
I knew this girl,
We weren't really friends,
I knew her and I knew her family,
one of her sisters I would say I would
have talked to regularly, not sure if she would
classify me as a friend, I like her and I think she
likes me, lets say we are friends then.
Anyway, last week this girl and her friends
where having a few drinks before they went out,
kinda a girlie thing they did, the girl was coming
down the stairs and she fell a few steps, hit her head,
and shortly after that, she died.
She was 41 years old,
and what anyone who knew her friend or otherwise,
would call a character, a gas woman,
the life and soul of everything, and everyone.
Her death is such a shock, and her loss immense
to her family, her young children, her sisters,and
everyone who knew her.
In Ireland we have a tradition, its a house wake,
I think it is a wonderful, painful tradition,
so myself and a friend went around, just to say,
goodbye to her, and to show our respects and thoughts
to her family.
I never ever before, understood about the saying
the life and soul, until I stood beside her, for
she was no more, it was hard to see her there,
I mean her the person, because her life and soul
was truly gone,and it made me see the body is really
just a shell, it is who we are within that people
see, the good person, the fun person, the lively person
and when she was alive she was all of them, and it was
shining from her everyday, any day I saw her, I saw her
light, her soul, her energy.
The places she belonged, the people in her life,
its darker now her light is gone.
I think that is a wonderful testament to the person
she was, I think she would like that.
God bless, Susan and Rest In Peace.
M
We weren't really friends,
I knew her and I knew her family,
one of her sisters I would say I would
have talked to regularly, not sure if she would
classify me as a friend, I like her and I think she
likes me, lets say we are friends then.
Anyway, last week this girl and her friends
where having a few drinks before they went out,
kinda a girlie thing they did, the girl was coming
down the stairs and she fell a few steps, hit her head,
and shortly after that, she died.
She was 41 years old,
and what anyone who knew her friend or otherwise,
would call a character, a gas woman,
the life and soul of everything, and everyone.
Her death is such a shock, and her loss immense
to her family, her young children, her sisters,and
everyone who knew her.
In Ireland we have a tradition, its a house wake,
I think it is a wonderful, painful tradition,
so myself and a friend went around, just to say,
goodbye to her, and to show our respects and thoughts
to her family.
I never ever before, understood about the saying
the life and soul, until I stood beside her, for
she was no more, it was hard to see her there,
I mean her the person, because her life and soul
was truly gone,and it made me see the body is really
just a shell, it is who we are within that people
see, the good person, the fun person, the lively person
and when she was alive she was all of them, and it was
shining from her everyday, any day I saw her, I saw her
light, her soul, her energy.
The places she belonged, the people in her life,
its darker now her light is gone.
I think that is a wonderful testament to the person
she was, I think she would like that.
God bless, Susan and Rest In Peace.
M
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