A friend asked me the other day,
How are you doing, Maria?
I said I was fine, you know okay.

She said do you feel like talking,
now anyone who knows me, really,
I always feel like talking, probably
one of my virtures and vices wrapped up together.

So we talked a little while, I told her my woes,
Ive had a few lately, haha.
She asked me, whats the worse for you,
Is it the lies, or the loneliness,
I did one of my think about it for a moment
and answered as best I could,

Its the loss, I said, thats the worse.

The loss, of the life I had, the love I had,
the trust I had, in fact everything I had, or
really everything I thought I had.
Thats a loss.

The sitting in a hospital waiting room alone,
knowing that he should be there, being my strength,
my support, and he is not, and frigging Michael Jackson,
singing you are not alone in my head, and my eyes, know
as I look around, yes I am.
Thats a loss.

Now I have my beautiful sister
who wanted to drag her sick ass up to be with me, but I said
no, and it was the right thing to do, because it shouldnt have
been her, it should have been him, and the next time I see him,
he didnt even ask, but then why should he, he doesnt care anyway.
Thats a loss.

The kids playing up, and I cant call him to bitch at them,
to say they are brats, or Im worried about the youngest,
when its not about how they are feeling towards him,
Thats a loss.

My mam and her senior moments, and she misses him, and
she thought he was great, and she cant believe he did
that, sure he loved us, her.
Thats a loss.

My dad and his illness, and his right to have his say,
moments, when he says he doesnt believe in divorce or
splitting up, and people dont work hard at marriage anymore,
and its not right, he should be here.
Thats a loss.

My youngest shouting at me, during a row over nothing to
do with him, He Cheated on us too, me too, its not just
you Mam, You should have told us from day 1.
Thats a loss.

Waking up alone, sleeping alone,
kids all gone for the day, alone,
Thats a loss.

The past, where I no longer know where it started to end,
which bits are true, which bits are lies,
Thats a loss.

The future, the shared joy, the shared sorrows,
the retiring to Spain, the growing old together,
Thats a loss.

The pride I had in my family as a unit, that pulled
together, especially him and me, and the tough
times I thought we went through that made us stronger,
and he thought they weakened us.
Thats a loss.

Mostly, and yeah Im really in morbid poor me mode,
the loss, I feel is me,
I am a loss, I am at a loss, maybe I am even lost.

The most important thing to me in my life, is my family,
my kids, noreen, my mam,dad, sisters, brother,my nieces and
nephews, and all extended family, I have always loved it,
but what me and him had, us,our family, him and me,our children
I see it now, and it is so broken, so hurt, and it is a struggle
to try and put it together, because of the missing piece, or the
piece that no longer fits to complete that picture, the pattern,
the family.

That is the biggest, horribliest, and worst,

Thats the loss.


M