After, actually two days after, my daughter finishes her leaving cert,
she is off to Zambia, with her youth group, nine of them are going to help
in a orphanage for children with special needs, and she was lucky enough
to be one of the chosen few.

She is well deserving of it, and I'm whilst delighted for her to have the chance
to do something wonderful and rewarding, when the time comes for her to go
I will be rattling until she is safe back home.

Part of the trip is funded through the youth organisation, and she had to raise
money herself, we organised some events, and bummed sponsership
from friends and family.

She did great and the money is raised, one of the events was on
last wednesday.  I have mentioned many times in this and hismidlifemycrisis,
about my funny girl friend, now she is funny in that she has amazing wit, funny
that she is kind and loving and yet dark in humour, (bit like meself), she is a 
professional comedian, and like most comedians, has to work hard to get gigs,
and earn her crust.

I remember once she said to me, I dont do charity, I need charity,
(tongue in cheek, and she was kidding me), this was proved last wednesday, because
she, herself organised a comedy gig, and got some of her comedian mates, to come
on board, and we had a great night out, and money was raised, and all is well for
my girl to head to Zambia, for probably hopefully one of the best experiences
of her life.

It is the people we meet, and the things we do for each other,
that define the type of people we are, kindness, goodness,
appreciation and love, make a truly beautiful person,
I am glad to say that my daughter has experienced all of those things
in her young life, and is returning them back to people she meets,
and things she does.

Thank you, my funny girl friend, for your goodness and kindness
to me and my girl, see you soon.

M

My eldest girl had her graduation night last night,
it is an all girls, mainly catholic school, and they had a lovely
service in our local church.

As they have such a large number of pupils,
only parents were invited, and then tea and refreshments
were served in the school later on.

It was a long service, I think the priest was glad to have such a large captive audience,
and was making the most of it!
However it did not drag out, it was so nice, the girls put
alot of effort into the service and it was very personal and touching.

I am so proud of my girl, she is such a lovely girl,
and it was great to see her amongst her friends having fun,
yet being mature about it.

I was working before, so was tight for time,
I got there as the church was almost full,
It did not surprise me however, that I could stand
at the back of the church, and still recognise her father,
by the back of his head, so I went and sat with him.
We were both there for her, and it was fitting that we
sat together.

I was a bit weirded out at first, you know, I wanted to
lean over whisper something or just reach out and hold hands,
like I would have in the past, but that bit was gone now,
so rather than dwell on that  I told myself off,
" you can either suffer the martyr all night, or sit back
enjoy it, and know that you are here for her, and he is here
for her and thats all it is about, Maria" and it worked,
thats what I did, and the truth is
that is probably what he did too.

After that we went for the refreshements but did not stay long
as all the girls were heading to an arranged disco and we were
most definetly not invited.

Another milestone reached, and successfully passed,
What a busy world I live in.

Thank God.

M

This weekend I went to a memorial night for a friend of mine's husband.
He died two years ago in January. My friend and I have spent many times talking,
I have mentioned her sometimes in my blog, this one and hismidlifemycrisis.

When Gerry and me split and my friend and I would sit and chat,
and yeah cry for our own loss, my friend would say to me,
"I am better off than you Maria, at least mine fought tooth and nail,
to stay with me, and when he died, I knew he loved me, and he did
not want to go, I console myself with that, I miss him so much"

Back then I agreed with her,
I thought she was better off too.
When we were at the do the other night,
I saw how good she is doing but how much she still hangs on to what they had,
and how much she still
misses him, (of course she should),
but what I also see is that she is no further on in her grief,
in her life, in her heart.

I on the other hand,
well for the past two years I grieved for what I had lost,
the life I thought I had, and would have, the person I thought he was,
and what we had together.

About a month after mam died, I woke up one morning
and I knew it was time for me to do that, wake up.
I knew that life is so short, so unexpected, so fragile,
that whilst we have to take time to heal, we cannot take
too long, life passes us by, to fast, to soon.
Whilst it is okay to sit for awhile,I cannot stay there
as life will continue past me, without me.

I want to live a full and active life,
I want to be loved and love again,
I want to be important to me,
and important to someone else,
someone who is not of me, my children, my family.
Someone who wants me, who I am good enough for,
who is good enough for me.

I went through the pain, the grief, the loss,
most of it was so goddam awful, the before,
the after, but this is where I am different from my friend,
because where we thought she was better off
than me, because he died, and did not chose to leave their life together,
their family, their past their future, and Gerry did.
I am better off, because my feelings for him changed,
and my heart has almost healed,
it wants to be loved,
and I want to be loved.

When the hurt,grief, humilation, anger, went through me,
what was left was love, and I didnt have that for him anymore,
sometimes I didnt even like him.
Who he had become, the things he said and did.
The decisions he made, that affected me and our kids,
I guess the pedestal broke,
the one that I had for him,
as my good man,
my lover,
my friend,
my soul mate.

I realised that I am worth more than what he gave me,
and worth much more than what he took away, for
it was not eternal love, it was not forever, and because
he didnt die, he chose to love someone else,
I could too,
I have to become me without him.

I told him recently I do not hate him, I dont think I ever
really hated him, I hated some of the crappy stunts he pulled,
still do, but I dont hate him.
I am sad about it but its realisation of what is, sad,
not horrible heartbreaking sad.

I guess that s because I no longer love him,
no longer lament the loss of us,
I think that is a pretty okay place to be with him,
and I want it to be okay for our kids between us.
They are the important ones now.

So our life is now different
we are no more.
I accept it.
and hopefully on my journey forwards
I will love again.

We shall see.

M

I had a great weekend,
I think what best sums it up
was a song that was sang to me
during the weekend.

The hills are alive with the sound of music!

How nice to feel like that.

M

Along with the emotional  changes I have made in my life,
I have also made changes to my apperance,
from the short haired red head, I am now long black hair,
(I am trying to refrain from the my widow look comment lately)

I have also reverted back to my maiden name,
before I did this I spoke with my kids, they had to be
okay with it before I would make such a change.

I am glad that they were, because it was important to me,
I am no longer her Mrs Maria ......, I am me on my own,
Ms Maria ......, I am always going to be their Mam, as he will
always be their Dad, but I am no longer part of him, officially.

It is actually easier to change back than I thought it would be,
because my maiden name is regarded as my actual legal given name.
So I get to be all me.

I have my new passport, driving licence, bank details, payroll,
almost all the utility bills sorted, it just a matter of breaking the
habit of signing the married name, because inside that girl is gone
and now outside she's gone too.


For the best I think.

M

So, how are things going for me,
Okay really, actually okay is probably even too insipid a word for it,
I guess Grand is pretty good.

Im working away, Im getting out, Im living life,
having fun, not too much dramas,
the kids are heads down studying,
most of the time...

I am I suppose living my motto,
carrying on regardless, and it is sitting okay for me.

I think I am opening up to the new me, the out there,
I am me, Maria, not the suffer the martyr poor me
(most times anyway)

It has been two years, the pain, hurt, humilation,
have subsided, survival has passed, and I think the
revivial is on.

I do hope so.

I think it is time, I am worried in case I meet
another Gerry, someone who might take all I have,
and then say it wasnt enough anyway, but then
I have changed, some of what I didnt realise I was
doing wrong has been taken on board, and I know,
what to watch out for, complacency, stupidity, gullibility,
and I know that I need to be careful if I do get into a
new relationship.

I need to be a little more showing with my
feelings, not that I am a cold fish, but I think, because,
I thought that we were together forever, and I was secure
in his feelings for me, I didnt need to show him, that he was secure too,

Maybe it is ego boosting, confidence boosting, or just plain soppy,
but words and deeds are not enough, constant effort,
going out, holding hands, kissing in public (kinda dont like that bit)
these are very important reassurances to the other person,
so I hope I have learned these lessons, and hope I get the
opportunity to use them.

M