This weekend I went to a memorial night for a friend of mine's husband.
He died two years ago in January. My friend and I have spent many times talking,
I have mentioned her sometimes in my blog, this one and hismidlifemycrisis.

When Gerry and me split and my friend and I would sit and chat,
and yeah cry for our own loss, my friend would say to me,
"I am better off than you Maria, at least mine fought tooth and nail,
to stay with me, and when he died, I knew he loved me, and he did
not want to go, I console myself with that, I miss him so much"

Back then I agreed with her,
I thought she was better off too.
When we were at the do the other night,
I saw how good she is doing but how much she still hangs on to what they had,
and how much she still
misses him, (of course she should),
but what I also see is that she is no further on in her grief,
in her life, in her heart.

I on the other hand,
well for the past two years I grieved for what I had lost,
the life I thought I had, and would have, the person I thought he was,
and what we had together.

About a month after mam died, I woke up one morning
and I knew it was time for me to do that, wake up.
I knew that life is so short, so unexpected, so fragile,
that whilst we have to take time to heal, we cannot take
too long, life passes us by, to fast, to soon.
Whilst it is okay to sit for awhile,I cannot stay there
as life will continue past me, without me.

I want to live a full and active life,
I want to be loved and love again,
I want to be important to me,
and important to someone else,
someone who is not of me, my children, my family.
Someone who wants me, who I am good enough for,
who is good enough for me.

I went through the pain, the grief, the loss,
most of it was so goddam awful, the before,
the after, but this is where I am different from my friend,
because where we thought she was better off
than me, because he died, and did not chose to leave their life together,
their family, their past their future, and Gerry did.
I am better off, because my feelings for him changed,
and my heart has almost healed,
it wants to be loved,
and I want to be loved.

When the hurt,grief, humilation, anger, went through me,
what was left was love, and I didnt have that for him anymore,
sometimes I didnt even like him.
Who he had become, the things he said and did.
The decisions he made, that affected me and our kids,
I guess the pedestal broke,
the one that I had for him,
as my good man,
my lover,
my friend,
my soul mate.

I realised that I am worth more than what he gave me,
and worth much more than what he took away, for
it was not eternal love, it was not forever, and because
he didnt die, he chose to love someone else,
I could too,
I have to become me without him.

I told him recently I do not hate him, I dont think I ever
really hated him, I hated some of the crappy stunts he pulled,
still do, but I dont hate him.
I am sad about it but its realisation of what is, sad,
not horrible heartbreaking sad.

I guess that s because I no longer love him,
no longer lament the loss of us,
I think that is a pretty okay place to be with him,
and I want it to be okay for our kids between us.
They are the important ones now.

So our life is now different
we are no more.
I accept it.
and hopefully on my journey forwards
I will love again.

We shall see.

M