At 6.45 am this morning,
My beautiful and brave mam,
breathed gently and then breathed no more.

We said our goodbyes to her, and she left us,
brokenhearted, but  in the knowledge she
is at peace, and with her family gone before,
in gods arms.

Bye bye Mam, love you always,

Maria.

My mam has surpassed all the deadlines we have been given,
we were told no way would she see christmas,
and here it is christmas eve and she still battles,

It is so hard, and you know what it feels like
God is so cruel,
but then that sounds awful, like I dont want my mam
here, which I do, but not like this,

I think Im giving up on life, not living now,
just life, and hope and joy,
I dont know why they abandoned me,
I must be like, what him, and some of my overstressed family
think, a megga bitch,
I just dont feel like one, but they cant all be wrong,
can they?

Yes it is a definite poor me moment.
Sorry.

M

The getting mam home, didnt happen,
She is still with us defying the odds,
as she did with every illness she every had,
so I suppose it shouldnt really be surprising,
she stays with us and every day is another day.

My mam has a favourite song, and I think
I now know why, her song is one day at a time,
and that is how her and us are living it now,
one day at a time.

She is without doubt, a mighty warrior,
she has come back into her old self,
mostly and only occasionally wanders
away from us. That I tell you is a true
blessing, and I am so glad for it.

Each day she grows weaker in herself,
and each night we are afraid, and each
morning she is there its painfully wonderful.

My dad is struggling, his grief is in the here and now,
and he wants her to be here with him, but it is not
to be so, she is too weak to travel, we have to accept that,
to bring her home, would cause her too much pain and
she has accepted that she is in the hospital, now that they
have given her, her own room, and one of us is with her always,
she is more settled, and less confused.

So we take it, as it is, and are glad of it,
one more day at a time.

M

The last post shows how quickly things change,
how life is so unexpected and complicated,
or so it seems to me anyway,

Mam of course has deteriorated, she had some
good days, mostly good mind days.
It was like her mind had come back to us,
as her body was leaving, it kinda made it easier.

The last two days has not been as kind,
especially yesterday, and then last night.
Mam is so confused, disorientated and
because of this distressed, we too are distressed.
Especially my dad, who cannot bear to see her this way,
I dont know what the heck to say or do sometimes,
Does a rub on the back or a hug help?
I doubt it, but its all I can do, and its so flippin cruel.

We need to get her home, hospital is so confusing,
there is too much going on, she has no routine, and
routine is vital to her, the patients and nurses faces change
to frequently and as long as she is there that can't be changed,
So we shall see, hopefully today, it was supposed to be
yesterday, but the team were unavailable, can you believe it
unavailable, the health service in Ireland is a shambles,
and the people suffering are the ones that always suffer,
the vunerable, the weak,
it is to the shame of humankind.

M

My Mam actually has less senior moments now,
or maybe we are just more tolerant, I dont know,
but her old wit is back, and sometimes it is so hilarious,

She is not eating at all, and hardly drinking,
yesterday the nurse was giving out to her (telling her off)
You are not drinking your tea, she said,
Mam made a face and turned to my daughter who
was sitting opposite her,
"More chance of me drinking cats piss than that muck"
My daughter almost fell off the chair laughing,
and Mam was delighted, and it perked her up.

Perked us all up.

M

My Mam is still with us,
she is a warrior, I told her this the other day,
she says, I dont want to warriorer any more,
its hard not to cry in front of her,
sometimes she knows how ill she is,
mostimes she doesnt.

My sister and I are working to taking mam home from hospital
it will be hard, but not as hard as hearing her say everyday,
I want to go home.

Tomorrow, we are meeting with the pallitive care people,
and we are going to try to get her home, if they say
its medically okay, then it is happening, we will manage,
My mam deserves to be in her home, in her comfort,
and whilst the care she is receiving in hospital is great,
its not home, and its not where she wants to be.

For those of us who gets the chance to say goodbye,
to be with our loved one in their last days, no stone should
be left unturned, no effort should be too hard,
Sometimes you only get one time to say,
I love you, sometimes you get loads,
You should take each time.

M

So far, it hasnt left my head that song,
so Shall I tell you about my life,

This last few weeks, I have mentioned my mam and that she
is ill, she is worse than ill, she has liver cancer,
and  last weekend we were told there is nothing, no treatment,
no hope.

How do you do that accept that there is no hope,
that your mam, is terminally ill, times is all she has,
and that the time that she has is limited.

Yesterday, we were told it is more likely days
than weeks, but they cannot commit, I understand that,
they do not know the will of god, more importantly they
do not know the will of my mam,
Unfortunately, desperately they do know the
will of the liver,
and when it stops
everything stops.

I do not know how you accept it,
My mam has moderate alzemheirs,
she has been getting worse, and sometimes
I do not deny, that I use to despair, and say
I would hate her to slowly disapper from us
to live in a body minus a mind, and deep down,
for me I probably still feel like that, but right
now, when I look at my brave and beautiful mam
(for she was a stunner as a young woman, and does
not look her 70years).

I look at my mam, whom I
have always loved even in her nuttiest moments (quite a few)
and I want her to stay here on this earth with us,
with my dad,
with me.

M

I think I mentioned before,
how music has a massive affect on me,
it catches my emotions, and I respond
with laughter, smiles, or as it has been lately
tears.

For the last week or so, the
first line of a song has been going through
my head over and over, and I dont ever
get by the first line, but when a song does,
that my logic, tries to figure out what the heck
is my emotions trying to tell me now.

So the words in my head are,
Fleetwood Mac, good music anyway,
'shall I tell you about my life'

Now thats a weird one, because,
I am telling you about my life, so
it cant be that, so what is it.

My eldest girl asked me, what was I up too,
as I may be going mad, she says, every so often
mam you sing one line of a song, so I just
tell her, this song is in my head, and wont
get the hell out, and I put it on Utube for her,
(I am so modern), she says its familiar,
but I dont know where Ive heard it.

My girl obviously takes after her mam,
and that song kept annoying her, and then
she said, Mam, I know its from the ad on the
tv, you know the car ad.

Im thinking maybe Ford, or some brand car use it,
and she is no mam, the road safety ad, where there
is a car crash, Im sure its played in the background.

I still couldnt see the relevance to me, why or what the
hell that song was bugging me, what the heck it meant,
and then last night, my, it makes sense voice spoke to me
'Shall I tell you about your life, Maria, its a goddam car crash'

So I understand know, and Im writing it down, in the hope
that like every other headwrecking thing I wrote about,
it leaves my head then.

I'l let you know, and in my next post,
I'l tell you my latest car crash story.

M