I have not had time to blog, over the few days,
Sometimes life just has a madness in it, and the
days are so full, I dont get time to pee, never mind write.

I am still struggling with this flipping cold, its all in my head,
and its very annoying, and also exhausting.
Rudolph would not get a look in with me,
I have a hooter on me that would also act as a lighthouse
if I lay on the cliffside.

All has not been great for me, in the him and me saga, either.
I was cleaning out a cupboard the other day, and I found some
documents belonging to him, work stuff etc, anyway, there was some
stuff from his meetings in Germany, the ones that actually existed!!
There is black and white was whore, name, email address, position on committee board, phone numbers from the job.
Remembering that I am in a Better Place where he is
concerned, I of course put it to one side for him to pick up
NAH, I stupidly started a text battle, I knew I shouldn't but
couldnt stop myself, what a numpty.

So I texted him, It is nice to have these details,
he texts don't threaten me, I replied, no threat,
he goes good, at the same time I sent the its a Promise text,
as you can guess, it went downhill from there.

Eventually, after we had vented our bitterness to each other,
I texted forget it, and silence ensued.

Two days later, he had to call to pick up some stuff,
I had put together from the cupboard, needless to say
the relevant documents where not included,
he never asked for them anyway. Truth is I think
I'm wrecking his head, he asked me was I going to haunt
hime forever, whilst that hurt on reflection I suppose that
is how he feels. I told him I had seen a solicitor and was
going ahead with the legal separation, and hopefully it would
be over as quickly as it could be for both of us.

I told him, that finding that stuff in my house had
upset me, and what did he expect, now get this, he says,
I need to realise that I am not the only victim in this situtation,
I said I did, that there was three other victims, our children,
He lost the plot, said I would never cop on that he was a victim
he was suffering too.

I told him he was mistaken, he was not the victim he was the
perpatrator, he did not like that, he was sick of me,
I didn't care, it was obvious I had never cared, otherwise
I wouldnt have got over him so quick, my talk proved what he
had known all along that I never really cared anyway.
Have I used that word in awhile, it definitely applies here
SAP.

He stormed out, and then had his final say in a text,
"I havnt got a shillin r a place to call home.
But I not gonna stand there + listen to u preachin.
See ya. Bye."

So I was wound up again, and distressed and hurt,
and mad as hell, but I just put down the phone,
swore a bit at the poor phone sitting on the table,
then rang my best sister, who also called him a sap,
well actually it was worse than a sap she called him,
but with her help, I resisted the urge to start up
communications with him again, and I am still there,
resisting.
Its soooo hard sometimes.

Im too gobby, thats the problem.
I want him to know how I feel, to acknowledge what he has done,
when I should know he doesnt care how I feel,
he is only bothered about him and his feelings.
I will have to accept again, that it is all about
him for him, and he is not going to acknowledge full
responsibility, and I am going to have to get over that,
and get on with it.
Its just not easy in real time, in
retrospect yeah, but in front of him, he just makes me
sooo mad.