I have as you probably noticed a few horrible days,
they were also probably self inflicted, maybe I was
a nun in a former life, they were into self flagellation,
Thankfully, I only beat myself up with words and thoughts,
I am certainly not into physical torture, mental is enough.

It really started when my oldest girl was so distressed,
and I got her into school counselling, when I told
him, he didnt see it, not that he didnt believe me,
but he thought they were grand, grand, jesus, that
just riled me, then upset me.

Next then, the other two tell me they dont hear from
him very often during the week, maybe a group text,
or a text the other one gets but a name change, he is
not ringing them much. They say, sure it doesnt matter
Im not bothered, sometimes when he does ring, I dont even
want to talk to him.

See that does not hearten me, I want
my kids to have a dad, they need him, its not for him,
believe me, its for them, the negative affect of losing
their dad, because they think he doesnt care enough, or they
dont matter, will stay with them forever.

It is a great fear I have, I witnessed the destruction
of a good family because the dad walked away and made
a new life for himself minus his kids, and back then
it broke my heart, I am going to fight tooth and nail
to make sure my kids do not suffer that loss.

So every so often I call him, we meet or I tell
him what they are thinking feeling, well I didnt tell
him they sometimes dont want to talk to him, what good
would that do. That might just push him further away
from them, he says he will be here as long as they
need him, or want him, what does he know,
I am forty six years of age,
I still want and need my dad.