so here I am again,

It has been like a groundhog week for me, I am off sick with a chest infection,
and friday he goes away, only this time, its a whole year later.

Technically its not a whole year since I found out,
that was shortly before the Friday,
but the day he left our family,
as in the kids and me and our home was this Friday
a whole year ago.

Dont get me wrong he didnt walk out, I asked him to go,
but what was I gonna do, leave him sleeping on the couch,
and pretend until the kids were eighteen, No, although
apart from sleeping with me, maybe that was his plan,
because through all of this, I know from things he said,
things he did, and the choices he made, he no longer
loved me, or wanted to be with me,
I was his easy option.

I know he can read this, but as I havent blogged for a long
time maybe he wont, anyway, he is going to be busy with
whore for a week, so he probably wont.

So how am I, truthfully, awful.
Its quite simple, whilst I am working with the kids,
on helping them to adapt, be strong,
grow a new relationship with their dad,
me I find that I am now in the box.

You know the one, the one people stick the
hurt, the pain, the horrible stuff they cant cope
with in, if you dont put it in the box, it just
drags you down each day, and then sometimes you
take it out bit by bit and deal with the issues,
and then sometimes you dont.

You just leave them in there,
and if you are like me, they probably
do harden you as a person, but at least a harden
of the heart, helps the steel in your back and
you get up each day, and go to work, or do your
chores, meet people, smile, talk, live.
Keep going.

So that is where I am at,
today, this morning probably with the
few nights lack of sleep, coughing and spluttering,
I have opened the box a little bit,
I am thinking, how am I, how do I feel,
not about the kids, or the house, or anything else
how do I feel,
the truth,
Shite.

I feel like everything I lived, worked, and fought for
for the last 24 years has been destroyed,
I feel like my family as it should have been as I thought
it was has been destroyed, the unit, the bond, the strength,
its gone, I see it, every day, the big hole in our lives,
in my life.

I miss him so much, but know who I thought he was
is not who is there now,
and I only miss the man that
I thought he was, not the man he is.

I guess also, I am so disappointed, that he gave
me away so easy, so without thought, without compassion,
without anything.
Now Im sure he had thoughts but they were probably about the kids,
Me, as soon as he went back to whore a second time, thats when
he was done with me, and then each time after he built whore
stronger and me, well then he built my faults, his dislike, his
lack of love, and eventually I no longer mattered to him.

Well I am a good mother, you know what the asshole actually told
me that once, that he had spoke to whore about me, and had never
ran me down, he told her I was a good mother, in doing so
he actually repeated what his mother had said about me,
almost 18 years previously when someone asked her what did she
think of me, that was her reply, "well she is a good mother"
He couldnt see what was wrong with that, so maybe 18 years ago,
he was already in that frame of mind.

So, am I really in groundhog day, what has changed,
apart from the physical distance,
the emotional distance is massive,
I can talk to him now, most times,
I dont cry, most times it is about the
kids anyway, I look at him, and to be honest,
its like I dont really know him
he looks different in the eyes, but that could be me in my mind.


So about him how do I feel,

I dont trust him anymore, never will again.
I dont like him anymore, dont know if I will ever again.
I dont love him anymore, never will again.

However he is lucky,

I dont hate him, (whore well she is not so lucky, whore I hate!!)

All he needs to do now, is hang in there with the kids, pay the money,
and keep us in our home. That is the unemotional fact for him.

What do I need to do.

Build a new life which does not include him for me
in other words

Get over him, move on, cop on.

M