Although, I'm as I say grand,
I have been affected by the events of last week
in the court.

I find myself down in the dumps,
not depressed because I rarely do depressed,
there is not enough of me to give to depression anyway,
and that is definitely in a glass half full category.

He is of course the reason behind this,
his refusal to come or communicate on the day
of court was bad enough, but much much worse than
that was his failure to communicate with his kids,
its like he plays a pathetic game with them, he waits for
one of them to contact him, then says he hasnt heard from the others
doesnt he realise, its up to him, to heal their pain,
They are kids, he is suppose to be the adult,
he is the one who is not here, he should be fighting for their
love, their attention, their forgiveness,
not them.

I suppose that may be because he is also down in the dumps,
life isnt the fabulous life he must have imagined it would be
without us, or maybe he is happy, it doesnt seem so,
or maybe he is happier without me, and not without the rest,
the kids, our home, his job, I dont really know,
what I do know is I am definitely not happy, and until all
this I was, and I do hold him and whore completely responsible,
but have accepted that it is what is is, I am where I am,
and I have got to make the most or best of it.

The thing is sometimes stuff affects me, like sad stories,
happy stories, but mostly I am affected by music.

There are a few artists who have perfected the art of touching
my heart, Adele is one she is great, the other is Christina Perri,
she with one song in particular, brings emotions out in me,
its called Jar of Hearts.

Some of the song does not apply to me,
but most of it so does,
I guess all of it would except in my life
he is not trying to get back in, but if he was,
I would be follow her train of thought, because
the trust would be gone, and I trusted him with me,
with us, with our love, life, our family, and he gave it away,
he gave it away, without remorse, without second thought,
without bother.

One of the verses from this song is,

'who do you think you are,
running 'round leaving scars,
collecting your jar of hearts
and tearing love apart
Your going to catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul, (then the bit that never refers to me)
So dont come back for me,
who do you think you are'.

When I hear this, especially the
your going to catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul, bit

I feel like shouting, it will be pneumonia, because the ice,
in his case, is in his eyes, his head and especially his heart.

Another part is 'I've learned to live half alive,'
well thats not true, I would change that from half alive,
to half a life,
because thats what it feels like to me, half my life as I knew
it, is missing, its gone, it shows in many ways, the most obvious is
no partner, but he was more than that to me, he was my other
half, why did he not know that, how could he not see that.

He was part of our family every day, every moment, and while
I may not have been hanging out of him, constantly telling him
I loved him, holding his hand, I guess that was my failing,
I understand that, but what did those things mean anyway,
he did those things with me, always, and when the truth
came out, he told me, that he thought I would never find out,
but I was the problem, really, as I didnt show him enough love,
didnt go out enough with him, put others first.

It didnt feel like that to me, and I tell you what,
to hear from a man, who has cheated on you, for years,
that you didnt show him enough love, is sickening,
and not acceptable, because love is being there,
love is sticking around when the hard times hit,
love is truth, love is loyalty, love is non transferable,
and with me it was real.

So when he went with whore, he wasnt showing me enough love,
he wasnt going out with me enough, and he certainly put others first,
and me and my beautiful children, family, came paddy last.

Not good enough.

Who do you think you are.