So, I haven't posted in awhile,
why? is it because I have nothing to say,
Nope, of course not, I always have something to say, haha

It is because things have been so goddam awful
I havent wanted to share or burden the misery with anyone,
but the lighthearted jokes just dont cut it anymore.

My mam is seriously ill, thats all I want to say,
life sometimes make you wonder, you know,
the worst thing you can think is jeez, things are so
hard, it couldnt get any harder, because when you think that
its jinxed and
things just get harder.

The priorities in life with me have always been family,
always.
I think that there is nothing wrong with that, although I
recognise that sometimes the family that was prioritized was
sometimes my extended family, like mam and dad, and sisters,
and I still dont see like he did, that it was wrong,
but it seems to me that what you hold dearest to you,
is easiest hurt, broken or destroyed.

The worst thing I have seen in the time since I found out about
him and whore, and the whole sorry saga,
is the loss the destruction,
the falling apart of my family,
dont get me wrong as four we are together,
my kids are my life, they know I am there for them,
I know they love and  respect me,
but the dent in our life is palpable,
its obvious
it is irreplaceable.

So we looked to our extended family, my sister, my dad, my mam
(although her illness made us her support rather than ours)
and now she is ill, and again I am afraid,
I want her to be okay, to heal,
to be well again.

I feel selfish too, like how much more can we take,
why does the shit have to hit
again, give us a break, give me a break,
let me rebuild, I have had enough.

How selfish is that?
how selfish am I.?

M