Last night I had a long night,
its been awhile, so it surprised me,
no sleep, and I mean like none,

What was keeping me awake? ME,
yeah, just me, my head, and I..

I was caught up in a feeling I have not acknowledged
for some time now, that feeling, disbelief.
I just couldnt shake it.
Not the couldnt, shouldnt, wouldnt
emotions about him,
just the disbelief.

I think it runs within me all the time,
disbelief, that he could just walk away,
leave his life with our family,
him, me, the kids.

I think it is because all along, we thought,
and I mean we, my kids, and I, anyway, we thought
he was the best thing since slice bread,
how do you do that,
make people see something for so long
that is so untrue.
Even if it was true to him, at the time
because he was living the two lives,
how is it that, those
things suddenly become untrue,
that he is now not a good man,
a good dad, a good husband.

I think that is the disbelief,
I can see the lies, about whore,
sure that is easy, that is what midlife crisis's do
they make a liar and cheater out of what used to be a good man,
but when the lies are out,
how is it that the lie was not about whore,
but about us, about his life with us,
and we, them and me,
where the wrongdoing,
the wrong choice, the wrong lie to live.

So when I write it down after a sleepless night,
I know, Im still
there in the dark, in disbelief..

To add to it,
I am also here in the day, in total knowledge,
in wide awake about this whole horrible story,
and that is most definitely a better place to be,
than believing,
sleeping
and living in the dark.

M