I spoke with my returned home friend,
She tells me it is so good to be home,
and the kids where great with her, so was
her ex, and they are taking it very slowly.

I told her again I am so happy for her, and to
take it one step at a time, if she needs to call me
just pick up the phone, she will, so I tell her
I am praying all goes okay for her, and she knows I
am not a great one for prayer, and will only say it if I am
actually going to pray. She is very religious not ott,
but gets great strength from her faith, so it meant alot
to her.

She tells me she is praying for me, that she is praying for
me to have the strength to forgive what G did. She also says
I need to forgive him, I think that it is probably beyond my
character to forgive, she says its too soon, but you need to work
on it, it will come, I told her I dont think I want to forgive, why
should I, she reckons it is vital that I forgive him for me to recover,
for me to move on. I say cant I move on and just not forgive, she reckons
no. One wont happen without the other.

This is not the first time this has been put to me.
and unfortunately I dont feel any different than the
last time I had that conversation, maybe its because
I dont want to forgive him, maybe thats because
I am being a bitch about it, maybe its my defence
mechanism, maybe it is just too soon,
I dont know, but I think its because, I dont want
to tell him its okay, what you did, I forgive, its
okay, what you said I forgive, its okay you hurt me
and my family, so much I forgive. Its okay that since
I found out what you have done you have been horrible
to me, and made the agreement so hard, I forgive,
Its okay, that our kids are so hurt by what you did
I forgive.

I feel it lessens the act, lessens the betrayel.
I'm maybe too black and white, but for me, at this time
and probably for quite some time, I cant see forgiveness
in my heart or my mind for him. There just seems to much
to forgive, but then is he really sorry, I have not seen that
so maybe he doesnt need my forgiveness. My friends' point is
that its not what he needs, its for me, this forgiveness will
make me stronger, make me better, make me open to a new life
without him, maybe with someone else.
I understand what she is saying, which is probably new for me.
a plus, Im just not up for it, I tell her all this.

So we finished our conversation, and she tells me
she is going to pray anyway, I said okay, thank you,
I love you, take care, be strong, and hang up.

I spend the day and today, wondering will I forgive
ever, or is a failing on my part, one of my flaws,
that will stay with me forever, or will her prayers
be answered. Who knows, I think I am just concentrating
on the truce, and getting the legalities sorted.
That is enough for me right now.